Three's A Crowd

Headed to the Farm

2010-11-18T09:00:00.000-04:00

or at least the market. This morning is the last week that the farmers market will be outdoor. I have to go today to find out the new secret winter location. it's very cloak and dagger vegetable buying. I should wear a trenchcoat and a silly hat.

I am also on the hunt for a heritage turkey. Why is this so hard to find in the middle of farm country here? And the cost. Oh lord, $10/lb is a lot for a bird. Considering Shoprite is giving the bastards away. I ordered one last year and had it delivered to the grocery store, but I had to schlepp across the river. And now I can't remember what farm I got it from. Ugh.

It may have just dawned on me that Thanksgiving is a week from today. I got off easy this year with only pies and sweet potatoes to make. and a turkey to procure. Which is going so well.

maybe I can get a lead at the farmer's market. wonder if my detective disguise will be helpful in that arena. I'm not sure they remember who I am since I am sans children on Thursday mornings now. Not that I'm complaining.

Now I have to go and wake them up. Well, wake Z up. C has been trying to do the same thing for the past 20 min and it doesn't sound too successful. I so love the moaning and protesting that comes from sleepy 3 yo.

Awesome evening... and then the screaming

2010-11-10T13:26:00.000-04:00

Here's an evening that exemplifies the age of 3. and the problems of having two children who are the same age.

Yesterday after naptime (which is our typically worst time of day... they are still tired and want nothing more than to lump on the sofa and gorge themselves on Spectacular Spiderman on Netflix) I took the playdough out and got them started making people and animals and food out of playdough.

Then I started dinner while they played in the kitchen. Z helped me make 'sushi' rolls with white rice and julienned vegis. C continued to play with the dough and allowed Z to make her a roll. Then we sat at the table and ate sushi and drank tea out of the fancy china teacups and had an awesome dinner.

After dinner, while I did the dishes, the girls played an insane game where they took turns being a snake on the floor and their sister's job was to sit on their back and keep them from slithering. Whatever, no one got hurt and they laughed hysterically. And I got to clean up the kitchen.

Finally I set up the record player and had them listen to a recorded read-a-long book (yes they were mine and no, I never throw anything out) while they had a glass of milk and a cookie for desert. And that's where the utopia ended.

C is OBSESSED with the change she keeps in her little change purse. I tell her 50-teen (her words) times a day to put the money back in her purse. That it is not a toy and she can't play with money all around the house. I'm trying to impress upon her that it has some sort of value. and she understands that she can use the money to buy something at the store. But she just. doesn't. listen. at. all. She's one of those kids who just humors you and lives in her own little world where she is queen and you are an annoying noise to be tolerated temporarily until you give in and go away. And I am the biggest culprit of this. I am the High Holy Mother of Empty Threats. I came back into the room after filling up the bathtub and she had change all over the couch and floor. So I took it and put it someplace she couldn't reach it. I explained she could have it back tomorrow, but that she didn't listen to what I had already asked her many many times to do.

And she screamed for over an hour. Solid. through bathtime (she wouldn't get in the tub and I had to wrestle her on the bathroom floor to wash her up) through putting pjs on. Through book reading. And into singing with the lights off.

Z on the other hand, listened to the end of her record, turned the player off. came up the stairs with her blankie, got in the tub, washed her hair, brushed her teeth, peed on the potty, put on her pjs and sat in bed listening to stories and songs. The only time she got upset was when C tried to climb over the baby gate at the top of the stairs and Z was afraid (as was I) that she would topple over it and fall down the stairs head first.

So in an effort to be fair to Z, I basically had to ignore C's freakout. Which is not the best way to handle it for her. C isn't the kind of kid who will wind down on her own. She needs to be physically restrained and almost shaken out of it. Like in the old movies where you slap the woman out of her hysterics. But the choices are ignore it and let it escalate and continue for longer than it needs to go on, or ignore the kid who's being good and basically punish her for her sister's freakout.

Aren't these awesome choices? Last night I picked Z. Most of the time I don't. She was owed a night. And up until around 6:45 we had an awesome day. In retrospect, it's probably the chocolate milk and cookie that's setting C off at night. I'll have to ponder a way around that part of the evening routine...

Friday art

2010-11-05T08:54:00.002-03:00

squirrel (complete with snack) By: Z

"Sammy (with eyelashes)" by:C

Linen/Cat closet

Why I love my husband

2010-11-04T09:14:00.000-03:00

I woke up at 4 this morning full of vitriol. I was angry. I was hurt. There was a cat wedged in between my feet (well, that part just added to the waking up) and I wrote a letter. A long letter. A long over due letter to my father. And I wanted to post it on facebook.

Instead I decided to use a forum where I usually complain about my kids to talk about H. In bullet form because I only have 7 minutes before I have to wake up the screamies for school.

Here are all the reason why I love Howie:

1. He makes me coffee every morning before he leaves
2. He doesn't wake me up, just brews the coffee and lets me sleep.
3. He doesn't even drink coffee in the morning
4. I can leave him home all day with the kids and he can manage to feed them, entertain them and work
5. Even if the house looks like a tornado ripped through it when I get home, by the time I get up in the morning, it's spotless
6. He puts whatever soggy mess he finds in the washing machine into the dryer. Even if I don't tell him there's clothes down there
7. He taught the girls how to play jenga, bowling on the Wii, and a somewhat disproportionate love of comic books
8. He will watch whatever bizarre disturbing grisly murder show I put on the television and not complain.
9. He's put up with me. all of me. for 10 years.
10. He keeps me from being exorbitantly stupid.

So instead of plastering the internet with my two page, 9pt font, single spaced missive of hatred, i leave you instead with this man. Who carried a plastic pumpkin trick-or-treating because the girls didn't want him to be left out.

MOTY Award time, yet again

2010-10-04T15:25:00.000-03:00

the best time of day is that small window of naptime before the annoying kids next door get home from school. thankfully today it's raining and so the ear piercing screams of Florence (yes, Florence. the BOY who lives next door) will not end naptime prematurely or cause me to slam out the front door and ask him who exactly is murdering him. even though I secretly wish someone would.

oh, that's not even the worst thing I've said (or even thought) this weekend. The highlight film includes such gems as telling Z that I couldn't care less if she ate lunch or starved to death and yesterday's epic fail of me informing C that she is systematically ruining my life. starting in utero.

So, if anyone would like to pass on their mother of the year award statue, I'll be waiting patiently.

No Rest for the Weary: Why I don't have 3 children

2010-10-01T08:39:00.000-03:00

too tired for sentences. here are fragments and bullets:

H threw back out last weekend re-doing master bathroom

bathroom has many many holes in the wall

also when you turn the tub on the shower head sprays you in the face. always

the overflow from this tub may or may not drip into my basement. at some point. much like the ticking time bomb of a toilet we had upstairs, however, this time I am not expecting poop to flood my dining room. so, small improvement there.

when you do shower, the hot water runs out in under 10min.

both my girls have head colds and copious snot and coughing

i sent them to school anyway. i'm that bitch

H has been in bed since monday. he only arises to whip children into a frenzy with spiderman game for the Wii. which C rocks at. don't worry, it's only rated T. Z does NOT like the fire

Sam the furry fucknut decided the best way to get my attention at 5am is wake Z up by banging on their bedroom door.

She then noticed she had peed her diaper. like she's done everynight for the past 3 and 1/2 years

This required a trip to the potty so she could swing her feet and have Sam apologize for waking her by biting my leg

and then a new diaper

without waking C

10min after i got back in my own bed, Sam the bastardly began to cry at the basement door
apparently he is incapable of using the kitty door before sunrise and also had to pee on the potty

after falling back asleep I had charming nightmare of losing my children in an amusement park because I had too many bags to gather when exiting the tram

coffee pot went off. followed by alarm. which H turned off. not snooze. just off.

if he doesn't go to work on monday i will be seeking legal representation.

now i must go and finish my chores and daily to do list so that I can wake the children, dress them, feed them, leave a note for the sitter... who is still coming even though H is here and wait for the conversation with my mother about what is wrong with my life when she shows up here at 3 to relieve the sitter and finds H in a cocoon of apple hardware ensconced in the bedroom.

all of this makes me ponder why i didn't just have them remove my uterus. instead of my brain.

Home Alone

2010-09-24T21:40:00.002-03:00

I sent the girls to grandma's for the weekend so H and I could finish the reno on the downstairs bathroom and also so I could help and sell at the twin club tag sale.

so now I am home alone on a friday night in my pjs at 8:30. Did I mention I was alone? H is not home yet and won't be for another hour or so and I have not a soul to go out with as all my friends these days are similarly ensconced in pjs while their kids are asleep. Which makes me think....

what the hell did I do with all my free time before I had kids? I mean I had oodles of time to do absolutely nothing. and I didn't have to sit around my house tiptoeing while little people slept. i could watch TV loudly and drink.

Which is mostly what I am doing now. the drinking. but it's sad to drink alone in your pjs on a friday night. at 8:30. totally silent except for the laptop keys clicking. They might as well be home.

sigh. what has become of me?

My Review of Inflatable Aquatic Tot Trainer

2010-08-02T08:57:00.001-03:00

The Mommy Wars: Vitriol Edition

2010-07-30T15:47:00.000-03:00

This is a post that's been rolling around in my head for a day or so now, so I'm just going to put it out there all stream of consciousness like...

I think I might be some sort of mommy-aberration. Let me explain that a little.

I read. a lot. anything I can get my hands on. newspapers, magazines, books, blogs, cereal boxes. It's got words, i read it. can't help myself. So in my reading travels, I read a lot of mom-blogs. Some are twin mom specific, some are just parenting stuff. and what I want to know is, are they all full of crap, or am I some sort of freak of nature?

I don't want to spend 24/7 with my kids. they get on my nerves. they whine. a lot. the sound of children, especially mine, whining makes me want to get a shotgun and blow my face off. Don't get me wrong. My girls are funny and fun to play with. and when they are not hungry/ tired/ too hot/ too cold/ bored/ not overstimulated... etc they are awesome. But in reality, that is about 20 min in total each day. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe it's really like an hour of total time. That means that there are roughly 9 hours of each blessed day that I want to rip my own ears off and eat them.

So, you say, get out more, hire a babysitter, do something for YOU. that sounds awesome. like rock on, dude! but seriously, let me explain what the fall-out from a night out does for me. I won't even touch on the hangover that would invariably occur from the appalling amount of alcohol I would need to consume to begin. I will only talk about having to surgically remove both children from my legs this morning and throw them into the living room, run to the door and slam it in their faces so that I could leave for work this morning. Why, you ask? I'm not entirely sure, but I'll hazard a guess it'd be because I had the audacity to go out after work on Wednesday and not get home in time to tuck them in. So all day yesterday I had C crawling up my leg doing her best to re-implant in my uterus and today they both screamed enough to make themselves choke and gag because I was, gasp, leaving them with the babysitter. The same one they've had since they were 7 months old.

They are going to preschool in the fall. I can only imagine how fantabulistic that's going to be. Not to change the subject entirely, but I also can't seem to fathom the idea of 'playdates' and the guilt some people apparently have about whether or not their preschooler has enough friends. They are 3. How many of you still speak to or even remember your preschool friends? Did you have any friends? are you now a social pariah? We didn't have playdates. I had a sibling. he was 3 1/2 years younger. and a boy. and we played together! I know, the horror! how could my mother have been so cruel? playdates are a way for mom's to get together and let their kids run amok so that you, the mother, have someone to commiserate with and you don't stick your head in the oven when roasting a chicken. Don't get me wrong, that's an important reason to schedule a 'playdate'. But don't for one minute think that your child's future happiness hangs in the balance.

I really think we all need to get over ourselves. I can't stand feeling like their entire future rides on my shoulders. Start those flashcards now, or your kids will be flippin' burgers and living with you at 38. And make sure you get in enough orchestrated, carefully un-constructed 'playdates' so you don't wind up chatting it up with barbara walters about what it's like raising sociopaths. And absolutely never ever lose your cool and scream like the mother f-ing banshee or you'll wind up footing the therapy bill for the attachment disorder that explains your adult-child's inability to form a lasting relationship. Which is really the reason why they are flipping those burgers and living with you at 38. It's all your fault. You didn't love them enough.

Let me clue you in... we ALL have issues. It isn't necessary mom's fault. and it certainly isn't because she served you pancakes for dinner. and burned them. twice.

2010-07-26T13:16:00.000-03:00

Dear Internets,
Let me tell you how awesome my morning has been. no really. I'm being sincere. No, i haven't been body snatched... but the girls may have been.

Let's start at the beginning:

I went upstairs to get them up and when I opened the door, they both smiled at me and asked if it was 'just plain old mommy day' Fearing the worst, I braced myself and said it was Monday and Daddy had gone to work. no one cried. they even let me take their diapers and pj pants off. They collected which toys they wanted to bring down stairs and came down the steps.

I offered to make breakfast, but they wanted to have a tea party instead. I made a cup of decaf tea to pour into their tea pots so they could dispense it around and drink it. Then after that, they each ate a granola bar and a plum.

Next I wanted to clean up the house a little. I gave them each a feather duster and they dusted all their toys. Then picked them up so I could vacuum. and as I vacuumed, they followed me around and told the vacuum what a good job he was doing.

Finally they asked if they could relax and watch something. C picked a movie and they both sat on the couch.

Then, get ready for this... I took a SHOWER! alone. and shaved my legs. and no one came in crying or ripped the curtain open to see what I was doing in there. and I even told them where I would be. I even brushed and flossed my teeth.

Now I am sending out this amazed blog post while they finish the show. I'll make them some lunch and hopefully they'll eat it and then decide to take a nap. I wonder if I have time to mop the floor while they continue to be enchanted by whatever fairy came in the middle of the night and took pity on me.

Even Sam only bit me once this morning. and it wasn't even that hard. Should I be afraid of evil harbingers of doom? Or should I just silently pray that it will continue? Is there a light at the end of my tunnel? Or is it just the train coming?

Bed Time Blues

2010-07-20T22:38:00.000-03:00

I have decided to stop fighting with my kids about bedtime. I've been Sisyphus for far too long here trying to get my kids in bed by 7:30. For anyone who doesn't have children, this seems to be a no-brainer. Right? I mean, who fights with a 3-year old, let alone 2 of them. Just tell them to go to bed! Everyone who has kids has already sighed and poured a drink.

Here's what bedtime looks like for the un-initiated:

6:00pm: children run amok while I try to clean off the table and wrangle leftovers. When I say 'run amok' don't for a minute think I'm exaggerating. I may be prone to hyperbole (what?! I know. me! of all people. stretching the truth for entertainment) but Z actually does "running exercises" after dinner. If C won't join her in her mad dash from the front door, through the dining room, around the kitchen island and back, she just steals "stinky pink" blanket and C is forced to chase behind her crying and screaming for justice.

6:30pm: I inform children it's getting close to bath time and to please start picking up their toys. This causes immediate deafness and the inability to walk or put any toys away. Ever. When I threaten to throw away toys that have been strewn around the floor, I am cursed in secret twin language of 'Diggi'. Don't worry, even if you can't speak Diggi, you know when you've been told off. Much like Italian, there are hand gestures.

7:00pm: The Poseidon Adventure begins. Some of you may call this bath time. Make no mistake, people in the first three rows WILL be getting wet. and not just an errant splash or two. Sometimes whole buckets of water slosh over the side of the tub onto the "bather" I try to save this particular joy for when H is home or grandma's here, but it's summer and we're extra stinky when it's hot out.

7:30pm: Attempt to wrangle wet children out of the tub and into pajamas. Again with the immediate deafness and inability to walk or control any of your limbs. Also, there is the torturing of the cat to be done. No evening is complete without having to pry a retaliating furry blender off of someone's naked back, while someone else is kicking you in the chest to avoid the evil that is pajama pants.

8:00pm: (have you noticed that it's 2 hours since we started?) serve snack of warm (not too hot, not too cold, just right...) chocolate milk and graham crackers. sometimes this also involves a 'story' typically the three little pigs or bears or occasionally Rapunzel but with alternate endings that Daddy made up. Some of which I don't know.

8:15pm: Cajole, beg and finally scream at short people to get up the stairs. This is made more difficult by the aforementioned leg disorder. Then you start again by trying to herd them into the upstairs bathroom to brush the graham cracker crumbs out of their teeth. Eventually you grab them by the forehead and much like the old "flip-top head" toothbrush ads, manage to scrape most of the cookie off.

8:30pm: Finally fling children into beds. Sit on the floor in between two toddler beds and read two stories (as we cannot agree on ONE story, we must each pick our own) frequently stop reading to tell people to get back in bed, move their heads from in front of the book, or answer any myraid of questions about the illustrations.

8:45pm: Turn off light, turn on star-turtle, turn on sound machine and sit on one bed to sing a song. then sit on other child's bed to sing HER song. Give kisses, answer 16 more questions, hear 4 secrets and 1 "serious problem". Turn on ipod lullaby playlist, blow an even number of kisses from the door. attempt to sneak out of bedroom with out letting the cat in. Lock gate at the top of the stairs and trip down the first 3 steps as cat has been waiting for you. maliciously. He has not forgotten who's side you took during the cage match earlier in the dressing portion of your evening.

9:00pm: Fall on bed. Remember laundry. Write list of things you didn't finish doing. pour large glass of wine. fall asleep before you can drink it.

As you can see the entire thing takes me about 3 hours to do on my own. I swear that I am not stretching the times on this at all. So you tell me, save skipping the bath (which I do, quite frequently in the winter) how on earth could I get them in bed any earlier? So I've decided I don't care. what's the difference? they sleep until 8:30 or 9 in the morning and I can get up before them and start whatever I need to get done for the day. But for some reason, i feel like I am falling short in the "getting people to bed at a reasonable hour without screaming" department.

In an unrelated note, Sam the Man just heard H close his car door in the driveway and jumped up to greet him at the door. and possibly rat me out for my poor conduct. He's a vengeful bastard and I even gave him a mouse toy with feathers to play with today. Feathers, for God's sake! It's really not my fault that C threw it somewhere he can't seem to locate. She hides stuff at my mother's house that we're still looking for. She's good at that. But crap at remembering. Which is why I spend an inordinate amount of time scouring the house for Stinky Pink and find her in cookware, my sock drawer, a bin of dress up clothes, on the bookshelf and in my shoe.

And people wonder why I drink.

Things I will probably never understand...

2010-07-15T08:46:00.001-03:00

overheard last night:

Z: Chlo, you be the monster and chase me!

C: oooooogly-gooooooogly

Z: aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhahahahahahaha!

On an unrelated note, I bought Samuel L Kitten a water fountain yesterday. He thinks it is preposterous. But he does enjoy strewing kitten-grass around the kitchen.

6am giggle fest

2010-07-13T08:25:00.003-03:00

I wish I could understand (or explain) what is so funny at 6am. C wakes up every morning between 5:30 and 6 and laughs, sings, plays with dolls in her bed, etc until she wakes Z up. Z tell her to 'knock it off' and they both go back to sleep. Then I wake them up at 8:30 or so.

WTF?

Is this the universe telling me to get rid of my baby monitor? or is it C's public service to wake me up so I can get a jump on all the fun chores, like laundry and dishes before she gets around to getting out of bed.

Does anyone else's child do this? It's like an extended snooze button. Apparently when they stayed at G-ma's this weekend, she did the same thing. G-ma looked over at her and C said 'oh, I was just stretching and yawning, I'm going back to sleep' and she did.

And this is what they look like when I wake them up:

wha?...huh?... ok

2010-07-12T09:09:00.002-03:00

This weekend I told the girls that if it was nice weather we could go swimming in Grandma's pool. Of course it poured rain Saturday morning which made C inconsolable. But it looked like it was clearing up at naptime so I made a last minute decision to throw them (and H) into swimsuits and hit the pool.

Remember that time I was pregnant and went to the hospital with nothing packed? Yeah, like that. Just went to the pool. no change of clothes, no snacks, nada.

They REFUSED to leave grandma's. No arguments, they just decided they would have a sleepover party. With Grandma. and I could leave. or stay. meh.

H and I drove back to the house to pick up pjs, bed rails and a change of clothes. My poor little mini suv has never ever moved that fast. I think H was afraid they'd change their minds.

But they didn't. B/c grandma lets you stay up until 11pm and jump on all the beds. Somehow I do NOT remember "grandma" being quite so fun when she was just "mom"

Quite honestly, I didn't care if they never went to sleep. H and I went to the movies and then came home at 11:30 and talked loudly. in the dining room. naked. and mixed drinks. also naked. it was epic.

Sam was not amused. he would have called CPS to report us for gross negligence if he only had opposible thumbs. and they had a cyraphone for kitten. or urdu. not sure which he's more comfortable speaking on the telephone.

We went back over Sunday morning and swam in the pool again. And then tried to leave for naptime. There was a sit-in. They wanted to stay at Grandma's "forever and ever and never leave and swim everyday" So H and I left again. and ran copious errands. things you don't want to do with two chatty kids in tow. like buy an air conditioner or a car top carrier or drink a very large cup of iced coffee.

Z fell asleep at 7pm on H's lap on G-ma's couch. C made it to her car seat. I made it all the way home and was up at 1:30am catching up on my blog reading. oh and I reorganized my itunes. all 90G. Cause 20 oz of iced coffee at 5pm is an awesome idea.

under pressure

2010-07-10T09:11:00.003-03:00

ok, so I made a big bloggie announcement and now I have performance anxiety. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to write about now? The fact that my kids don't sleep...

last night they went in the bed at 8:30. notice I said 'in the bed'. not asleep. no, who needs sleep? they continued to talk and sing about the lady with the aligator purse until 10pm. Which would be when H came home. Apparently he has some kind of somnolent super power. As soon as his tires hit the driveway the blessed sounds of silence filled the house.

Until Sam started banging on the guest room/office/ craft room/winter seed nursery/gym (it's a small house people and I can cram a lot of shit into a small space) Z demanded that I close the door to aforementioned multipurpose room before she would walk past it to brush her teeth. Apparently yesterday, they were in there and found a picture of a bat. I'm still not entirely sure of what they are talking about, but according to Z, it's one scary MF.

where was I? Oh yes, sneaking up the 100 year old creaky ass stair case to free Sam the Kitten from certain death of being trapped in a room filled with miscellaneous crap and a seriously mean ass bat, the door to which had swollen to 4 times it's original size.

epic fail.

you will be happy to know it all turned out quite well as it's now 8:18am and Sam has been free to knock jewelry off my nightstand and then not eat his breakfast while I wait for the coffee to brew. But don't worry. C is upstairs singing and Z making airplane sounds as I'm sure Buzz Lightyear, Space Ranger is very busy flying around her bed.

When I go up there to get them, they will lay in bed or upon the floor and flail about proclaiming they are much much too tired to get dressed. This is precisely why I drink so much coffee. I've deemed it more responsible than gin.

re-reading old posts

2010-07-09T09:09:00.003-03:00

I was checking out the ol' blog here and realized two things that I felt the need to share with the group:

#1 I used to be a hell of a lot funnier. even when the girls were little and I was sleep deprived. Maybe that's why I was funnier.

#2 the first year of twin babies was WAAAAAY worse than the semester of orgo, biochem and genetics with fly lab. Way worse. no comparison. even counting in my post-not-really-breakup with a certain round-headed freak. And that semester I spent a fair amount of time drunk and crying on a pile of shoes on the floor of my closet. Still better than first year of babies. And I think I was thinner.

I miss the spewing forth of my vitriol on this here blog-o-rama and I am trying to get back more. The problem I have is the lack of time blocks to do so. Obviously I had LOADs of time pregnant. that's all I had. time to ponder my expanding navel. And when the girls were little little, I had quite a few naptime breaks... once they napped of course. Now I think I have my life a little more structured (hold on, I just fell off my balance ball chair writing that. A LITTLE structured. I have a friggin' schedule taped to the desk broken down into 1/2 segments. and that's just MY schedule. 'cause I'm totally free-falling and not anal. at. all) and I have some actual real-live adult humans to talk with I am less desperate to connect here. which is sad because I heart you, innernets, and I would not have made it through that first year if I didn't have some of you to commiserate with.

So I'm trying to be back and I promise to work on the picture thing. You wouldn't believe what they look like these days. like people. tiny filthy spastic haired people. 'cause that's different than before.

best laid plans

2010-07-08T13:02:00.001-03:00

This heat wave is finally getting to us. I coukd barely even get them to watch a movie this morning.

Right now they are waltzing around the dining room together humming the dance theme from Cinderella. Cute, until you realize that this ultimately ends in someone running away. At top speed.

So much for the plan of early naptime & swimming @ Gma's pool. Sigh.

Shhhhh....

2010-05-03T12:34:00.001-03:00

I'm laying on my bed while the girls watch tinkerbell. They seem to have stopped fighting over who gets to wear the purple fairy wings. Please don't tell them i'm in here. It's so hot in my house & the only room that isn't a sauna is my bedroom due to new ceiling fan. I'm sure up for Mother-of-the-year with the television brain rotting & lack of supervision, but it's monday, 80 degrees & raining and I just don't care.

reading

2010-05-03T09:59:00.001-03:00

Uploaded by www.cellspin.net

Twintuition

2010-04-27T17:45:00.001-03:00

I knew Z was sick when C told me to please sleep with her sister who needed me AND sat quietly in the doctor's office while Z got checked. If you know C at all you know this took serious self control to reign in her usual chaos.

sadly it was her level of concern for Z and not Z's complaining that made me call the ped. I trust the twin-bond way more than Z's complaining...

getting stood up

2010-04-24T11:52:00.002-03:00

I'm here at work on a beautiful saturday morning to ostensibly see patients who NEED TO HAVE GENETIC COUNSELING RIGHT!!! NOW!!!.

except my 10am decided to not show up. but I can't leave as I have two more scheduled after her.

I had such a day yesterday with the powers-that-be about scheduling patients and not having enough open appointment slots and not returning phone calls in a timely fashion that I almost told them to shove very very far.

My job is becoming more demanding than my children. And that is saying something.

Download Needed

2010-04-21T10:47:00.002-03:00

please back up all systems onto external drive if you'd like to continue running this operating system.

I have way too much on my plate right now. And my brain is not up to full running capacity. I don't know if it's clogged with pollen or just running too many programs or what. But seriously I can't remember a damn thing.

And this covering a second shift on saturdays is turning out to be a way bigger hassle than it was last time. I suspect it has less to do with the patient load and paperwork than it has to do with my ever decreasing storage space.

Seriously, has anyone invented a backup disc for the human brain? I am in sore need of one.

I will not discuss the whining and general malaise of the short people. I think they have a cold now, and it's not allergies. Although, tomato tomahto really. It's still rivers of snot. and the battle of the hair barettes as snot likes to stick hair to your face in oh-so-attractive fashion.

Perhaps if I find a way to blog from my phone better. I actually think of 108 blog posts during the day, but I'm often hanging laundry or washing dishes when this little gems poof into my head and therefore far far from the laptop. which has unionized with the other electronics and therefore is constantly 'on break'

it finally happened

2010-03-16T11:37:00.000-03:00

that blissful day people have told me about but I feared would never come.....

my children have been playing togehter without my needing to interfere or negotiate for over an hour.

I cleaned my bathroom, did a lpad of laundry, sent some emails & now I'm updating my blog!

surely I have jinxed it. since sam just ran by and bit me unprovoked

grumble

2010-03-05T11:27:00.002-04:00

I just got off the phone with chase who charged me $10 for overdraft and $1.50 in finance charges when I paid the damn overdraft the next fucking day! What is the point of overdraft protection if I have to pay multiple fees? and I had the money in my savings acct. But will they let me link my savings to my checking? Noooooo. how would they periodically scam money off of me if I had a savings link. I do realize that in the grand scheme of life $11.50 is not the end of the world, but what the fuck do I spend time clipping coupons and reading the goddamn grocery circulars for if I have to pay absurd fees? and also, what good is a text telling you that your account is about to be in overdraft if it comes the day AFTER the mother fucker has posted? Just like the street signs in jersey "You've just missed Exit 4. Nah Nah" Fuck you too!

Don't you wish you had an appointment with me today to discuss your abnormal ultrasound results?

p.s. Clearly I need a drink. or eight. and to NOT wake up to "DOC! WHERE ARE YOU DOC HUDSON?!? WHY ARE YOU UNDER ZOE'S CRIBBY?!?! ZOE!!! ZOE!!! HELP ME FIND DOC!!! OH NO!!!! HOW WILL DOC GET BACK INTO MY CRIBBY?!?! MOMMY AND DADDY!!!! DOC IS UNDER ZOE'S CRIBBY!!!! OH WON'T SOMEONE HELP ME!?!?!?!?!" at 6am. followed by a morning worth of "I'M TIRED! I NEED TO WATCH SOMEFING ON TV!! WHERE IS PINK BLANKET?! I NEED MY CARS TO WATCH ME EAT BREAKFAST! NO!!!! I HATE APPLE JUICE! WHY IS THERE NO ORANGE JUICE?! WHY ARE YOU A TERRIBLE MOMMY WHO DIDN'T BUY ME ORANGE JUICE?! GO TO SHOPRITE AND GET SOME! NOW!!!!" I actually ran out the door when the babysitter showed up. which made Chloe cry. more. as if that were even possible.

sigh

2010-01-20T21:43:00.000-04:00

I am sitting on the couch typing on my phone. my back hurts too much to get up & get my laptop & I fear if I walk into the bedroom & actually hear what's going on over the baby monitor, it may lead to homicide. H is not home yet & won't be for another hour. I forgot to buy myself milk @ the store after work today. i've had a headache since I got up... late. the babysitter forgot thay she was supposed to come today (instead of friday) and I don't have a single one of the ingredients for a sidecar. perhaps i'd be able to shake up a vodka martini, but I scammed an anti-inflammatory off my mother & I'm not quite sure if i'm ready for that hang-over. so. sigh. that is all

potty trained?

2009-11-19T11:23:00.000-04:00

yeah, so apparently i'm the only one who's potty trained. i'm oretty much trained to order people onto the toilet once an hour and dispense m& ms. does this stop z from pooping in her pants? no.

is it possible that I am washing more laundry than when they were wearing just cloth diapers?

at least sam uses the litter box. most of the time

storyhour fail

2009-10-19T12:51:00.000-03:00

in our defence, the librarian is terrible. she is never on time, doesn't engage the kids AT ALL, and insists on passive agressively chastising me for dressing the girls alike & then commenting on how people can't tell even fraternal twins apart - with multiple examples. Like we have patience for that. Then she insists on starting story hour by having the kids get out of their seats to feed a fish to the pelican puppet. 'Cause we're all going to sit nicely after WE ALL GET UP AND JUMP AROUND A PUPPET! WHO THEN SITS AT HER FEET TO "LISTEN" TO THE STORY!" Sorry, but am I the only one who sees where this is going to end?

Perhaps she enjoys re-shelving the entire children's section.

overheard

2009-10-16T14:19:00.000-03:00

When asked what they are going to be for halloween, C had this to say (in one breath):

"we going to be wadybugs and daddy is going to be a scawy spider and I will stomp on him and go grrrrrrr!"

2009-10-09T15:49:00.001-03:00

You may think that I have sped up the video. But no, sadly, this is their normal speed.

why?!

2009-09-28T17:42:00.000-03:00

why does every activity end with a melt down, thumbsucking, blankets & DVR'd sesame street?

this is the only time I don't hear shrieking. please tell me I'm not alone & that my children are not being better served by muppets.

Tuesday morning (in numbers)

2009-09-22T14:08:00.003-03:00

loads of laundry washed dried and folded - 1
times zoe threw all the socks from said laundry on the floor - 3
wardrobe changes for zoe - 3
people who pooped on the bedroom carpet - 2
times chloe sat on the potty - 8
times chloe peed on the potty - 1
times chloe peed her through her tinkerbell underwear, pants and socks - 1
pairs of tinkerbell underpants left - 0
tantrums thrown by zoe re: lack of tinkerbell underpants - 2
episodes of curious george watched - 3
catboxes cleaned - 1
ungrateful cats - who knows, can't find him
donuts eaten - 1
locksmiths H will need if he comes home at 10pm again - at least 2

Ahh... Friday

2009-07-31T11:26:00.004-03:00

I am sitting at my desk after sending a patient off to get her blood drawn when I look down at my right arm and realize I have pancake batter dried to my right forearm. And not just a dribble. A whole damn mess of it.

so professional.

Construction continues at the "house of screaming children" (as I often like to answer the phone. Ala IHOP) They have discovered that my bedroom is not actually connected to the rest of the house by anything other than gravity and good intentions. And they found a mess of papers and odd bits from 1850-ish. Newspapers, school books, a fountain pen and an unfinished letter to a cousin who had come to visit and since returned home.

Things I have learned, but do not surprise me:
1. my house is damn old
2. it should have fallen back into the earth many many years ago
3. the 3-day job is reminding me of that trip on the SS Minnow
4. it's going to cost me... about double the original estimate
4. Z does not like to sleep at Grandma's house
5. I did not pack enough cookies

They now think they will be done painting by next tuesday. next tuesday people. as in 4 more days in the future. Wherein me and the peanuts (and Sam the Man) stay at G-ma's with Michael. Who has no job. and will not. stop. speaking. ever. Yesterday Z told him to "shut up and be quiet!" at least 4 times. Z does not mince words.

C wants nothing more than to pet Buttons the 14 year-old de-clawed cat. Buttons would rather have his back claws extracted. He spends his time alternately hissing and growling at her. Does this deter C? Nope. She stands there and says "Buttons is my friend, he loves me" The girl is afraid of lint on the floor, but a cat showing all his teeth and spitting at her is her friend. who loves her. She has the full on crazy. And trust me, that kind of nutty does not come from the platypus side of the fam. That's for damn skippy.

Now Z on the other hand. She's one of us. We all would like to tell Michael to shut up and be quiet. with a few extra expletives.

Please send wine. and duct tape. or a shovel to bury the evidence.

Feeling better today

2009-07-22T13:40:00.000-03:00

mostly b/c I am at work. The whining started before they actually woke up with C yelling (in her sleep at 5am) "No Do-Do! Don't take my cookie!"

I hope H is having fun with them today. I am working tomorrow too which they are not bound to like, but I am thinking is necessary if we all expect to survive the week.

I wish I knew what all the crabbiness was about.

jumping on the couch

2009-07-21T19:01:00.002-03:00

....is preferable to beating them with the broom after they threw their dinner plates on the floor. right?

Terrible Twos or Terrible Mother?

2009-07-21T17:01:00.002-03:00

I am waiting for the pot of coffee to brew while the girls watch elmo in grouchland for the second time today. by request. I tried to sit on the floor and get them to play little people, but I couldn't stand the whining and fighting over the little elmo and grover.

I'm too tired to do it today, but I'm finding, increasingly, that I am too tired to fight with them on most days. The whining is wearing on me. Or the caffeine is wearing off. the past two days we went swimming at g-mas and they crabbed out there too.

Don't get me wrong, I still wouldn't go back to that first year where everyone screamed in my face for no apparent reason. But I'm starting to feel like all they do is scream in my face. Now they apparently have a reason. It just doesn't seem like a valid one to me.

I don't have the strength to post about potty training just yet. suffice to say that Z has added whining about M&Ms to her repertoire.

coffee's done

what's more fun?

2009-06-30T15:10:00.000-03:00

listening to C yell "wake up Do-Do!" & "Daddy? You help me and come in the window?*" while they are supposed to be napping?

or

enduring Sammy's silent judgement as he ponders the futility of my mopping the floors.

It's a toss up, really. Both have their merits in the race to fully and finally divide me from my sanity.

(and fyi, H, I did not plug in, but am sending this from my phone in an effort to avoid twi-crack at naptime. seriously, I need a church basement meeting with bad coffee to kick this. It's a disease people!)

* what the hell?! When did anyone ever come in through her 2nd story window, let alone to 'help' her? She's a nutter.

Seeking Sleep Solidarity

2009-06-12T11:22:00.001-03:00

Will someone please tell me that the screaming will eventually end?

The girls will be 2 next weekend. I work part time and leave them either with Daddy for one day and a babysitter and grandma on the other.

Last weekend H and I went away for 48 hours. That is how long we were gone. They stayed at home with grandma and reportedly did not ask one time where H and I were. They took naps for grandma and went to sleep no problem. Saturday morning, Z woke up early and G-ma let her come downstairs so that she wouldn’t wake C, but otherwise, routines were maintained.

So why then, did the last four nights of bedtime involve screaming and crying and hyperventilating and gagging, culminating last night in me yelling and drugging them with benadryl at midnight? C would not get into the crib without screaming. They would both cry for about 20 min and then stop, take a presumed nap (I don’t know what they were doing, no video monitor, but they were quiet) only to start up with the hysterics in another 20min. Seriously, this went on in a vicious cycle until 12am.

Mistakes I may have made:
1. We left while they were taking a nap. Poor planning, I know, please don’t lecture me on the importance of saying goodbye. Just tell me they will get over it before college applications come due.
2. H would go back upstairs after they started screaming again. They would sit on his lap, demand songs and calm down until he mentioned going back in the crib. Cue screaming.
3. They watched the Little Mermaid on the advice of G-ma (“It has sea creatures. They love sea creatures”) and are clearly traumatized by King Triton yelling at Ariel and breaking her statue (and yes, they have told me repeatedly that “ariel daddy breaked the spatue! That not nice!”) (also, can you tell that no one ever yells at them. Seriously, this is the part of the movie they have issue with. Not the freakish octopus lady. We love her.)
3. I have one of those twilight turtles that only stay lit for 45 minutes while they are supposedly falling asleep. This has never been a problem before as they are always asleep way before that, but the last few nights they’ve been begging to turn the stars back on.

I am mostly looking for support here and maybe a “been there, done that” Anyone who lectures me on the above mistakes will be hunted down. I am resourceful. And vengeful. Don’t make me feel any worse. Which could possibly be mistake #4 in that my children are horribly spoiled and it’s entirely my (well, and g-ma’s) fault. I think they are honestly afraid and possibly having nightmares, but I’m pretty sure there’s nothing I can do about it other than changing the subject when the freaking little mermaid comes up, and trying to replace it with elmo or curious george or blue clues or something else that has no angst or yelling.

And I’m really freakin’ tired. So if you have no advice, please send caffeine. And also, I may never go away again. So not worth it. Alas, I have a wedding in San Diego in October. May God have mercy on my soul.

Barftastic Addendum

2009-06-03T12:58:00.002-03:00

Party #1 has notified me that the birthday girl has the pox. Let's see how well this new fancy varicella vaccine works.

Anyone want to place odds on both my charming darlings being covered by itchy red welts by the time I return from reunion this weekend?

According to G-ma the pox has a 10 incubation period. so that should land squarely on Daddy Day (also known as Wednesday to the uninformed) Won't that be fun for H?

Also, I like to say pox. say it with me "a pox on both your houses" see, it's fun.

Why Do These Things Always Happen to Me?

2009-06-01T23:32:00.000-03:00

Subtitled: It's usually your fault

To make everyone laugh, I thought I'd relay a charming event that happened to us yesterday.

We (meaning I, Jeanne, mother and fool) to accept two birthday party invitations on the same day... in New Jersey. And not just New Jersey, but the first one was in Princeton. Where they were conveniently also holding commencement. Which the mother of the birthday girl failed to mention. She also failed to mention that she was serving 17 different types of baked goods.

I had to literally chase Z around the house and down the driveway, many, many times and change C's diaper twice (once after I had gotten her in the carseat) before heading to party number two.

The second party was thankfully on the way back home so we popped curious george in the portable DVD player and headed an hour and a half again (but at least it was north). Both girls sat transfixed by that naughty little monkey for the entire ride. As the credits rolled on georgie, we pulled down to the end of the cul-de-sac and Howie-started to park the car. He looked in his rear-view to check the distance and.....

wait for it......

Z barfed. Chocolate frosting spewed forth like a demonic fondue fountain.

I jumped out of the still moving vehicle and ripped open her door. Before i could get my now barf-soaked hands under the blanket she was holding to unbuckle her, she let loose again. and again. I managed to catch most of it with my hands and her blanket. I pulled her out of the car and quickly stripped her down to her socks and diaper. Then she started to cry.

But not because she had just vomited a willie-wonka-esque fountain. But because it had gotten on her blanket. Her very favorite, carry around the house, can't sleep without it, stick it up her nose whilst sucking her thumb blanket. She's essentially naked and screaming "Clean it off Mommy! Wipe off Blanket!" in my friend's driveway.

Did I mention we are three hours late to party #2 and now all the guests are leaving? Truly priceless.

Thankfully I have no shame and the mother of this birthday boy was my grad school roommate and therefore thought nothing of me tossing a vile vat of vomit into her washing machine. It's happened before. And I mean before kids.

And how was ms. Z after this debacle? She was the life of the party, running, playing and eating pretzels.

All I could think was, "thank god it was only one of them"

smile...

2009-05-06T15:06:00.000-03:00

IMG_0437
Originally uploaded by jeannedevine

today I am at work. which means I am able to drink hot beverages and eat a cookie without sharing. I am also doing the following:

balancing my checkbook
planning my menu for the week
organizing my grocery list and coupons
fixing some stuff on the website for the twin club
sending out flickr invites for the latest pics of the girls at the march of dimes walk
fixing the sync between my palm and google calendar so I can know what the hell is going on in my life

Don't worry, I'm also seeing patients, writing charts and letters, following up on outstanding tests and packing my office for the big impending move to hospital office sans windows.

Two things strike me about this list:

I am mad productive when not answering questions about Nemo, his Daddy or the Lion King and what has happened to them.
How the hell do SAHMs get anything done?

I think I would really go nutty if I didn't have a job to come to and get my personal shit done. good thing I'm a multitasker...that is most likely why I had twins in the first place.

tough week

2009-04-24T16:38:00.002-03:00

i've been surfing the blogosphere here and I am taking comfort in the fact that it has been an ugly week for a lot of people.

yesterday i took the trash out after dinner and almost kept walking down the block. when I finally got back to the door, Z was standing there looking rather concerned. I opened the door and she said "no working mommy" I think she knew I was thinking about ditching.

Perhaps that due to the fact that I cried while sweeping the floor after dinner. C&Z were eating yogurt pops I made with some leftover (read: almost spoiled) melon from last week. Why did I cry? I could think of no reason that I should not walk promptly into the bathroom and take a handful of something in a prescription bottle. I am pretty sure Sam the Mentally Insane Kitten who Bites People would have been a better parent yesterday.

Whilst I was sweeping and crying, C said "oh mommy! what wrong? why cying?" (there is no 'r' in this word) and Z tried to beep my nose. with her nasty sticky yogurt hands as she refuses to eat the icepop off the stick and requires '"pieces!" (requires being the kind way to word this so as not to expose her dictatorial nature)

I did not run away or kill myself. Or get divorced over frozen strawberries. which is another story entirely. And, I maintain, not my fault. But it was good to read around and see that there must be some astrological explanation for the ungodly horror that has been the world of mommy.

Can I have an "amen"?

TwiCrack

2009-04-01T16:21:00.005-03:00

Ok, I know this isn't "real" but good lord, I may never look away from the screen again...

also, send help or a shred of my dignity.

G.L.O.W.

2009-03-26T14:22:00.004-03:00

Does this even need subtitles?

Why I Love My Husband

2009-03-20T16:17:00.003-03:00

H has been home on 'use it or lose it' vacation time for the past two days.

Loads of laundry completed: 3 (including a load of diapers)
# of times I've seen the washing machine: 0

Meals prepared: 9
# of times I've turned on the stove: 0

Dishwasher loads washed: 2
# of times I've loaded or unloaded the dishwasher: 1

# of times someone woke up crying in the middle of the night: 6
# of times I dealt with it:0

ok, so that last one isn't any different from the norm. but I also haven't scooped a cat box or changed more than 2 or 3 diapers since Tuesday.

I also went to twin club wednesday night, went to a friend's house last night and tonight I have plans to storm Blockbuster at midnight to purchase my very own vampire movie. which I will promptly unwrap and lick.

I heart H. Who the hell else would put up with all this?

TGFSS

2009-03-05T11:02:00.002-04:00

Sesame street is a golden beacon of light. if there were no muppets, I would have jumped from a bridge long ago. Right now C&Z are catching up with murray and learning irish step dancing. I am sitting here trying to keep my face from falling off as it tries to explode from horrendous head cold. awesome.

I can only assume that this is also where Z learned to count to 11. Without prompting she has started counting things. After 11, however, things get dicey. usually it goes 18, 19, 13. Apparently 13 is the biggest number she knows. Which reminds me of sorority rush and the number 12.

ugh. have to blow my nose again. I forsee a lot of muppets today...

Hooverville

2009-02-09T14:52:00.004-04:00

In case the economic stimulus doesn't go through, we are all sorts of prepared:

This photo is actually taken from my dining room looking INTO the living room as we are also jumping on the "living small" bandwagon.

Guess who enjoyed this the most?Actually I think Sam was the biggest fan, but it was impossible to catch him on film as he was a grey blur whizzing through tents and tunnels with Z in hot pursuit. C was more into twirling around in the little house. But then, she into twirling around where ever.

Kiss 'Em Goodbye

2009-02-04T16:35:00.000-04:00

Sam is having his funbags removed.

Let us all pray this makes him calmer.

God forbid he should be less calm. He would vibrate out of existence.

Lots o' Learning

2009-01-30T12:33:00.003-04:00

Z&C are big time into numbers and letters. I would take credit for this, but they seem to say most of them in a suspicious Cookie Monster-like voice....

They are both able to point out M, G, T, P, O, A, S and D. Number wise they can spot 1 and 2 reliably, but call out other numbers while we count.

Wednesday night, H asked them how many cookies they wanted after dinner. C said "two" as this is the only number she really knows (2 babies, 2 cookies, 2 cups.... gee I wonder why that is?) Z looked at him very seriously and said "ten". Then she cracked up laughing.

C says "Doe Doe Funny" at least 30 times a day

My mother bought them a nursery rhyme book with pictures over some of the words. C is OBSESSED with Humpty Dumpty. We read it 45 times in a row last night and again this morning. It goes something like this:

J: Humpty... (pointing to picture of egg wearing pants)
C&Z: DUMPY!!!!
J: Sat on a wall (pointing to picture of wall)
C&Z: suck thumbs furiously
J: Humpty... (pointing to picture of stupid egg wearing pants)
C&Z: DUMPY!!!!
J: Had a great fall
C&Z: giggle maniacally
J: All the Kings... (points to picture of disembodied horse heads)
C&Z: PONIES!!!!
J: And all the Kings... (points to picture of tiny tin soldiers)
C&Z: BABIES!!!!
J: Couldn't put...(pointing to picture of damn egg wearing pants)
C&Z: DUMPY!!!!
J: back together again!
C: Dumpy funny mommy. Again. Pease. Again.

Funny things

2009-01-23T15:52:00.003-04:00

C now says "Okay Okay OKAY" when she is aggravated about something.

Z is obsessed with all things muppet. when she gets up in the morning, she runs to the box of little people to rescue kermit and piggy/beaker/animal. Always kermit, but his buddy for the day is flexible.

according to C, everyone is funny. but not mommy.

Z is no longer "baby". now she is "Doe-doe"

2009-01-21T15:22:00.002-04:00

Last night I had a dream that involved Kermit the Frog, an incredibly stodgy vampire who wore a lot of cologne and an disney-esque amusement park. I think I need to get out more.

Also, could someone please come to my house and explain to my children that they are, in fact, two distinct people and therefore cannot continue to be a vegetarian and a carnivore. Vitamins and protein will not miraculously flow through osmosis when you slap your sister or fall off the couch on top of her.

and finally, I had the distinct pleasure of taking in a poop sample to the vet for Sam the Man. I believe he may be knitting a sweater with his butt. I have a few guesses as to where he may have ingested bright orange yarn... the only question is was he in the crib at the time or was he being fed blankie from one of the inmates?

So much fun...

2009-01-09T16:33:00.001-04:00

They can hardly contain their joy.

Terrible One-and-a-halfs?

2009-01-07T12:43:00.003-04:00

Is it possible that my precocious little angels have decided to up the ante and enter the "terrible twos" a few months early? This morning as I was trying to leave for work, Z decided that she should wear the string of beads I had on. Woe to you who says NO to Z. She basically yelled "BEADS" for the next 20 or so minutes. So much that C had to get into the act. She didn't even know what she was pissed off about, but it was getting Z attention, so why not.

This continued through the better part of the morning and only paused while Z stuffed eggs in her face and re-started with a vengeance when I dared not share my cereal with her. Never mind that she had already eaten the following:

1 egg w/ spinach
~20 grapes
1/2 banana
1/2 slice of toast w/ cream cheese

Clearly she was starving and needed to eat Kashi G0Lean. For her diet.

And speaking of diets, mine is going crap-tacular. I need to care more about the size of my ass. The other night I was fishing under the radiator for a missing trove of little people when my butt set off the little people farm. More specifically the pig pen. So that it appeared I was oinking. I thought mom and H would fall off the couch laughing.

Send pie. dietetic pie.

Yuletide Yakking

2008-12-29T16:07:00.002-04:00

I think everyone is just about done with the Christmas Puke-a-thon. It began early Friday morning (the 19th for those of you playing the home edition) with C destroying her crib and friends and ended (we think) Friday evening (the 26th) with Z tossing her cookies into Grandma's overnight bag. Why did G-ma have an overnight bag? It seems no one was spared the virus, including poor uncle Fi. My mother had to come over and help us as H and I could barely stand up.

Yes, she who never throws up, not from pregnancy, sea-sickness, vomit inducing roller coasters, or 5 or so too many gin cocktails, yes, even I joined in the merriment.

I did so many loads of laundry and changed so many babies, it's a blur. Christmas day I slept on my mother's sofa. then Z barfed on the area rug. not on the hardwood floor, but on the 6x8 area rug. and into the coffee table drawers. She's good like that. Impeccable aim.

What about Sammy? Don't worry, he only has worms.

Please dear baby jesus, please let 2009 start off better than 2008 ended. We are running low on pepto and laundry soap.

Santa Claus is Coming...

2008-12-23T12:15:00.003-04:00

... to your living room to scare the bejesus out of your children:

What? Santa doesn't ride around on a fire truck traumatizing children with goodies in your town?

And if Santa on a fire truck doesn't traumatize you, then maybe the same event last year will:

Oh Christmas Tree

2008-12-17T13:12:00.006-04:00

Or should I say kitten tree? Sam has decided that the tree is his domain:

Needless to say there are no ornaments on it. and he has eaten a fair amount of garland. and fake tree needles. Don't lecture me about kitten digestive systems, I'm sure I'll get it from the vet when I take his poop sample in all sparkly next week.

C&Z adore the tree. The say hello to it every morning and then promptly look for "nammy" hiding in the branches. Lately they are into "huggies" for poor Sam. He likes this as much as he enjoys the hair dryer after a bath.

Ever blowdried a soggy kitten. massive good time. you should try it.

We also took the girls to get their pictures taken. More of a fiasco than last year, although, Z didn't barf on her own shirt this time. She did, however, try to escape our photo shoot and jump into other peoples. She was not very popular with the adults, but the other kids thought it was pretty funny. Then they realized there were two of them. C found the whole experience comical. The only time Z smiled was while she was chewing on an ornament. so sanitary.

So if I don't get a chance to post again, have a merry merry and happy happy whatever you celebrate. we celebrate everything.

And don't let your cat eat the tree. or the lights. or leaves he found on the floor. or old cheerios. or the candles in your christmas tree menorah. what? you don't have one of these?

oh dear...

2008-11-18T17:48:00.001-04:00

As a 1930s wife, I am
Superior

Take the test!

SAMtastic

2008-11-12T21:52:00.002-04:00

Sam is almost better. He can poop in the litter box. But now I fear he has a head cold. He just sneezed and knocked himself out of the food dish. Funny, but distressing. plus he has eye-snots. And I think he's itching fleas again.

How do i manage to pick 'em? But at least he's cute. Which is a good thing as he is right now sitting on my lap and screaming in my face. if he wakes up a baby he's going to be one sorry ass kitten.

the girls went to sleep tonight at 6:45 due to no afternoon nap and general bitchiness. that's going to bite me in teh ass tomorrow when they get up at 6:45 and I try not to shoot myself in the face. I'll let you know how that goes.

The Poop Chronicles

2008-11-04T22:07:00.003-04:00

Why oh why won't sam stop pooping? He is on week 2 of antibiotics and kitty imodium and yet he still pooped all over the bathroom tonight. and to make matters worse,

{ahem, disclaimer, this may be more information that you want about me, so avert your eyes if you don't want to hear about girlie parts}

... as I was saying, have you ever tried to change a pad while avoiding stepping in liquid cat shit and keeping a crap covered kitten from scaling your leg and sitting in your underpants, exactly where aforementioned pad should be positioned? No? Really? You are missing out. It should be an olympic sport. Or at least videotaped for some bloopers show. except you'd have to blur most of the screen where my gigantic naked ass would be.

So you can tell I'm in rare form tonight. I won't even comment on the election. I am afraid to turn on the TV and see what's going on. Instead I will leave you with two pictures. One of a very brave (but stupid) man and one of the joy that is halloween....

seriously, would you let this sit on your shoulder?

This is how C&Z went trick or treating. in the living room. with the candy for the neighborhood kids. Yeah, we're real popular these days...

As if it wasn't bad enough

2008-10-28T13:45:00.003-03:00

got a new kitten. his name is sam. he is 6 weeks old. he is a rescue. he lived in a shed. he has worms. he poops a lot. not always in his box. yesterday I cleaned up 4 separate kitten poops off carpet. I do not have a lot of carpet. sam likes to shit on carpet. or my bed. which I also had to wash. along with two t-shirts and a pair of pants. and the bathmat. three of them. sam likes to shit on carpet. sam also now has kitten hemroids. I have to put vaseline on sam's butt. good thing sam is cute.

home again home again

2008-10-16T12:14:00.005-03:00

does anyone else feel like the fat hog? After witnessing self in vacation photos, I do believe it's time to actually diet and gasp attempt to lose extra 50lbs of baby weight. i can't even post the picture as i am too rotund and my children are drinking from bottles and i don't want to hear about it. Bottles make them sleepy and they take naps. and cookies make me happy and fat.

but here's a few shots of williamsburg, twin style.

Z's rockstar shot

Toes in the water

C and her accessories... pants optional

Wherein Z runs after a horsedrawn carriage, H pursues and C runs after yelling "NoNONONONO!"

VACATION!!!

2008-10-06T12:42:00.004-03:00

We did it. We drove two toddlers 10+ hours to Virginia. And with only moderate help from our furry red friend and the portable DVD player. I'm not even sure I can type the name...

ELMO

without C running in the room and screaming at the TV. The ride was livable. Z took her two naps in the car with no complaint. C only took a morning nap and complained and chatted through the afternoon one. Once we stopped for dinner, I realized that she didn't sleep due to tragically wet pants. Bad mother. then she crashed after dinner for a half hour while Z watched a Baby Einstein DVD that's supposed to be sleep inducing. However, it has sheep. Sheep are apparently zombified monsters that scream BAAAAAAAAAA! Which is how Z imitates them. everytime one appears on screen. or in a book. or a stuffed animal. or the thought of a sheep.

We finally arrived at the timeshare resort around 10pm. They were watching E... for the 3rd time in a row and sucking thumbs madly, but not sleeping. I sent H in to register/get the key. He returned and told me I was lucky he went in. here's what followed:

J: why? stupid and southern?
H: handing me confirmation page I had written directions on the back of
J: why? what?
H: pointing to date on sheet which reads October 5, 2008
J: huh?
H: pointing to date on watch which reads 04
J: oh shit.

Yes, we arrived a day early for our reservation. Which was entirely my fault as I apparently can't read. and I drove everyone crazy friday night and saturday morning trying to get out the door. Luckily, southern hospitality (and the twin card) worked in our favor and they gave us a unit that had been vacated and cleaned earlier that day.

Do you think I have a few too many things on my mind? I am ever so slowly devolving into my poor mother who is on her umpteenth wallet and eleventybillionth set of keys.

happy belated birthday

2008-09-28T09:32:00.003-03:00

H's birthday started off with a bang. or a barf. The girls had shots the day before and chose 12:30 to barf their brains out in the cribs. They had low grade fevers and chills and spent the rest of the night in bed with us.

Here's how H's bday ended:A little better. But C still looks ill. Z looks like a pyromaniac. Which she would get from her Daddy.

life goes on

2008-09-27T17:17:00.003-03:00

sorry for the lack of posting. but life. you know, it keeps going. there are diapers to change, food to throw on the floor, laundry to fold (or unfold)

we still miss petey, but the girls have mostly stopped looking for him. I however, can't do the dishes without seeing his sad little grave. so I bought a plant today to put out there. at least it's not so sad.

the other day a squirrel was literally dancing on him. I'm sure petey rolled over. at least once.

on the baby front, chloe now has 3 1/2 teeth and zoe has just one snaggle tooth. They are both being obsessed with Elmo right now. I couldn't listen to them begging anymore. I believe H is in there with them now, but he's most likley asleep.

Speaking of sleep, there was no afternoon nap today and now that I look at the time I should probably be making them some dinner as they are going to be tired early.

I'll try to post more regularly in the future. I know that you all need your nutty twin fix :)

Petey Parker Spider Cat

2008-09-05T10:15:00.003-03:00

We all love Petey. And we will all miss Petey. He passed away yesterday and we buried him outside in the backyard, where he was always trying to get out to anyway.

He lived 31 twistie tie bopping, hair band stealing, broom chasing, toe pouncing, litter box destroying, basement exploring, eyebrow licking, baby guarding, tub drain drinking, best friend cuddling months. It wasn't enough time.

There will never be another kitten head like you, Petey Von Skippy Pants, the world's most helpful kitten. I miss you so much I think part of me died with you.

A Tribute to the Kittenest Cat:
Petey Catches A Mouse
Petey Sleeps with the Fishes
Petey Rules
Dangerous and Debonair
Blogging cat
Petey Fishes for Poop
Petey V. Body Pillow
At least he listens
Olympic Petey
Offer: One Spider Cat
Gourmet Kitten
Petey Sports a Mohawk
Toe Licking is Fun
What's Petey up to lately?

bad bad blogger

2008-08-29T16:58:00.003-03:00

not much time to post these days. girls are up and running. everywhere. and I am exhausted. but I am at work now so it's nice and relaxing and therefore...

... I have nothing to say. Let's see, some recent developments:

the upstairs nursery is done and painted and decorated and has two little girls sleeping and napping in it. They LOOOOVE it! It has mad fun animals and toys they've never seen before and a piggy bank that they can point at and say "piggy" one million times. never gets old.

yesterday I let them crawl up the stairs for both naps. also mad fun. but led to Z getting carried half the way since C was zooming and Z liked to hand me every dust ball and cat hair on the steps. Which led to me sweeping steps. bad bad housekeeper as well. Starting yesterday and this morning, I let them walk out of their bedroom and onto the landing where I plopped them on my lap on the top step and bumped our way down. I am hoping this shows them how they should go down the steps and does not lead to a cave in due to the strain of my gargantuan ass galomphing on aged stairs. Let's pray we all don't wind up in the basement. Although Petey will find that amusing. If he can manage to stay awake long enough to care.

Petey has taken up residence on the foot of my bed. on my side. and by residence I mean he only leaves this spot to sniff disdainfully at his food dish and raise an unholy racket in his litter box. next to the babies' room. while they are sleeping. awesome. His new home also means that there is no place for my feet to reside whilst I try to sleep.

At least they are sleeping better and I started reading a book that has been sitting on the shelf for almost 2 years. It's a nerdy genetic book, but I think it's awesome and I'm sure it makes H cringe. He better cringe softly and out of range since it's a hefty volume and would most likely make a dent in his already lumpy head.

Today I stopped at bedbathandabsurd to return something and buy a veggi grill pan (the one with holes in it. how have I existed for so long without you?) and a helpful employee had to go in the back to find one. As grilling is done for the year and next week they will be rolling out snow shovels. I shit you not.

Enjoy your long weekend of BBQs and fall allergies. I myself, have a $4 coupon for zyrtec. yippie.

walking

2008-08-06T21:05:00.004-03:00

C is toddling all around these days and today, Z managed a few steps on her own. Her motivation? To show C the toy she had and not let her have it. Which led to screaming.

awesome.

it is kind of cool that they can get around on their own a little better. Today I don't think I carried anyone anywhere. I let them crawl to their highchairs for meals and crawl to the bedroom for a diaper change. Mostly this was possible as H was working from home today.

I think I'd have better luck herding cats.

Just for fun, can you guess who's who? here they are "reading"

snippets

2008-07-30T23:07:00.002-03:00

so I am not cool enough to understand twitter nonsense, but here's an excerpt from an email I just wrote crazy Diana, which I have a funny feeling did not send.... anyway

"also H says that I am dramatic and pathetic when sleep deprived and that is favorite is when I lose it in the middle of the night and swear at them for waking me up. Then I threaten to throw them in the garbage. Ok, I threaten Chloe since she's the trouble maker. last night she got into bed with us (not on her own, although H claims ignorance to her crib escape) and kicked H in the face. so I told her it was time to go back in her crib. which she did. but not on her own."

the sleep situation is getting better. Z is pretty much sleeping through the night and C is only up once for a cuddle and to sneak into the big bed. The trick for us was a bottle of milk (regular buy-in-the-store-for-$6-a-gallon-organic-whole-milk) before bed. This led to night weaning which led to full out weaning. Which is awesome for me. I didn't realize how ready we all must have been to stop the breast feeding. They didn't really want to nurse during the day anymore and I was tired of listening to someone cry while they waited their turn. so whole milk it is. and more sleeping.

This weekend, H and I will be painting the nursery (what? people prepare their babies' room BEFORE they are born? What lunacy!) so that they can move upstairs and we might not have to wake up to short people staring at us and yelling "HI!!!" at top volume until you open one eye a tiny slit. Then they cry. because you aren't already holding them. both. at the same time. but not their sister. and can we pet the cat? and poke him in the eye? what about your eye? can we poke that? did you know z has a belly button? Do you have a belly button? can I find it? oh, and did you see petey? he's a cat? oh, and HI!!!

Twin Gear List

2008-07-18T16:00:00.003-03:00

A friend is expecting twins this fall/winter and asked my advice on what was a MUST HAVE for the first few months. They live in an apt in NYC so space is a premium (as it is at my house. actually, I have little sympathy as I have a feeling they have more usable sq footage than we do, but I digress). She asked me about BF and cloth diapering and I know would appreciate feedback on that as well.

Here's what I came up with, but I'm sure I forgot a few things. Actually, I just thought of something to add and have since forgotten what the hell it was. Please send help. or ginko biloba. or gin. perhaps all three.

Here’s what you need bare bones:

A place to sleep

We had only one crib at first that I pushed up next to the bed. I got it used. I couldn't see buying a co-sleeper or double bassinet that might only be used for a few months. They slept together until they were 9 or 10 months old. They are still in our bedroom. No, I do not want to discuss that ;)
4 sets of crib sheets – put 2 on at a time. That way if there’s a mess, there’s a clean sheet underneath. Saves time in the middle of the night when someone explodes. I never do this and always hate myself.
2 waterproof sheets to go underneath each crib sheet (see above)
Sheet saver – this nifty little thing looks like a tiny changing pad with 4 strings. You put it under where their heads are and if they spit up you don’t have to change the whole crib. Major time saver. Before I had that, I stuck cloth diapers under their heads (where pillows would go)
2 bouncy seats and/or swings. Ones that vibrate, play music and bouncy with your foot. The girls napped in these as the crib was made of lava. Also good staging area for the baby waiting to eat (tandem nursing was never fun for me). If it weren’t for the graco travel swings (the ones that the carseats snap into) they would have never slept and I would have jumped off the newburgh beacon bridge.
(edit: I remeber now what I forgot before... the baby sling. the one I had to have overnight shipped so that C would sleep and I could pee or eat something or pick my nose. the child continues to be a marsupial. how could I have forgotten the sling??!?)

A place to eat
Double nursing pillow
Regular boppy – this is good to prop one baby up while waiting to be fed or after being fed to reduce the vomiting. Also better to take out with you during the day for nursing.
Nursing cover – It saved my sanity by letting me leave the house with two babies and not be arrested for indecent exposure ;)
Rocking chair or glider. You absolutely NEED a comfortable place to sit with arm rests that rocks. Splurge on this. Your ass will be the shape of this seat.
? Highchairs – we have the ones that strap to your dining room chairs and turn into toddler booster seats. H would sit them in these (they recline for infants) so he could give them bottles in the middle of the night.
Starter pack of bottles – don’t buy too many. You don’t know what they will like. I’d start with born free. They have anti-gas valves and they are PBA free or whatever the hell that chemical is. We used Dr. Browns, but the girls didn’t take many bottles. Two a night until 6 months and then 2 a week until last month when they decided boobies were passé and now drink 24oz of cow’s milk from their bottles. Argh.

A place to change your nasty diaper
We have a changing table in the bedroom. It is also a dresser that I smash all their clothes into. On my dresser next to it is a basket that I have the cloth diapers, wipes and some assortment of butt creams in.
Diaper pail – ours is from the diaper service. It is just a plastic garbage can with a lid. Very high tech. ;)
Washcloths – tiny newborns have mad sensitive skin and even the “sensitive” wipes are too harsh. Get a stock of cheap-ass washcloths and a small plastic bowl. Wet the washcloth with warm water, plop in bowl, wipe butt, rinse, throw in hamper or if not pooped on (and you are like me and sick of doing one million loads of laundry), rinse out in really hot water and hang to dry for next time. Repeat for second baby with new washcloth. We made Zoe patterned washcloths and Chloe was solids.
Cloth diapers – If you don’t get a diaper service, I recommend buying a starter kit of cloth from kissaluvs or stacinator. These are both all-in-one diapers that you put on just like disposables. When you are done, you throw them in a diaper pail and wash them yourself.

I will now wax poetic about diapers. You DO NOT want to wash your own if you don’t have a washing machine. You will be doing 2-3 loads of laundry a day in the beginning. Trust me. Get diaper service for at least the first 6 months. Then you can re-assess your free time (or lack thereof). My diaper service is absurdly cheap since they operate out of Kingston. It may seem expensive, but the cost of disposables is atrocious. The girls also have an allergy to that gel stuff in ‘sposies. It pulls all the moisture out of their skin and turns them into red lizard butted creatures who scream at you. Awesome and disgusting. Also, they have new fasteners for the cloth. No more pins. If H can cloth diaper anyone can. He was very resistant in the beginning. Good thing I never listen to him.

For all your cloth diapering queries, go to http://www.diaperswappers.com/. This is where I buy all my covers. They are used, but cheaper. It’s a whole site of cloth freaks and they are chatting about everything diaper related. Some of these people are nutty. But mostly everyone is really nice and helpful.

.... so what did I leave off? or what did I include that you feel wasn't truly necessary? Also, like I said, she's checking in so any feedback would be appreciated. Like links to sites that are chock full o' info, freebies, etc. These are her first so she still has free time to surf the web and make lists.

On the home front, we appear to be sleeping pretty regularly through the night. you would think this would improve my memory. HA!

more drinking = more peeing

2008-07-14T11:54:00.002-03:00

anyone using cloth diapers have a suggestion on how to deal with the great pee-scapades that are going on here?

Now that the girls are drinking milk at 8oz clips before naps and bed, we are soaking everything. At night I'm using a prefold and 2 doublers with Stacinator deluxe fleece covers and that seems to be holding back the tide. But this is waaaay too much for during the day.

Daytime we are in prefolds with bummis super whisper wrap covers. Is there something better I could use at naptime since this is when the great pee-a-thon seems to be happening?

I'm using a diaper service and I really don't want to get into the whole all-in-one, wash your own diapers deal. I have enough on my plate keeping people fed and relatively clean.

Any feedback is sorely appreciated.

THANKS!!

Mooooooo!

2008-07-11T15:47:00.003-03:00

or, the magic of milk....

The last two nights the girls got bottles with 8oz of cow's milk before bed.

The last two nights I got 7 hours of straight sleep.

Coincidence?

Who cares, I'm not messing with a good thing. If this keeps up I may be able to leave the house in matching shoes without having to triple check that I even have feet. It may also mean that they are effectively weaned.

I think I'm supposed to feel sad about that or nostalgic or something. Mostly I feel relieved. Although the boobies are complaining today and I did nurse C a few minutes just before bed to help her relax. (C has relaxing issues. let's just say she has two modes: insane and unconscious) But after all the trials and tribulations we had here with breast feeding, I'm glad we made it a year and even more happy to be (almost) done.

Now that I've said that they'll be up 3x tonight I'm sure.

Happy Birthday!!!!

2008-06-21T23:42:00.003-03:00

What a difference a year makes....

Just how was vacation?

2008-06-14T23:24:00.003-03:00

Yup, they hated it. Especially the swimming pool.

(as an update, Z slept through last night 7:15-6:30 and would have continued sleeping for at least a little while had her crabby sister not woken her up. C had to be rocked to sleep, per usual, but was only up around 2am and then again at 6. Tonight, same deal so far. Z sleeping by 7:30 C in the glider until almost 9. sigh)

Updates on Screaming and Boobies

2008-06-13T16:20:00.003-03:00

last night everyone screamed from 1-2am. Then I gave in and nursed them. I think I will try Eva's suggestion/ previous experience and make a "no boobs before midnight" rule and then go from there. I think this is a rule of thumb everyone should follow. Regardless of your lactation situation. There is rarely a good reason for boobs before 12. I speak from experience.

On another, not totally unrelated front, I am breast pump free at work today. There are some big girls at my house today whith whole milk in a sippy cup.

I know, gasp, shock and awe. Also, how big are your boobs today.

Gi-Freakin'-Normous. Seriously, I had to borrow a safety pin to keep them contained. I thought about using it to deflate them, but I have feeling I will only spring a leak.

The Night of 1,000 Screams

2008-06-12T11:53:00.001-03:00

Or "Wherein We Teach Chloe That Her Crib is NOT Made of Lava"

Just to catch everyone up, Chloe has decided that sleeping in our bed is much preferable to her crib (which is made of fire or some other extremely painful surface to sleep upon, after 12am). I gave in on this over last week while we were on vacation (from which I have some of the funniest pictures of them dealing with sand), but since we've been home, it's only gotten worse.

So H and I decided that last night was D-day (or night, whatever, I'm tired). And since we are sleep training we might as well night wean. I didn't say this was a smart plan…

I went out to twin club dinner after helping get them into PJs. I nursed them both before I left and H was all prepped to put them to bed around 7:30.

At 7:30, Zoe was rubbing her face and sucking her thumb. She went right in the crib, grabbed her blankie and passed out. Chloe was lying on the floor sucking her thumb, but the minute her back hit the mattress she was pissed. Red faced, screaming, 'how could you do this to me?!', etc. H let her scream for 15 minutes, but, as he put it "I didn't know anyone could scream that much and derive extra energy from it. It was like the crib was fueling the anger". So he gave in and picked her up. They went back to the living room where she chewed on the TV remote until she fell asleep. Don't worry, H gave her stunt remote, but not until she had changed the channel and turned the DVD player on and off a few times. Then he tried to put her in the crib again. This time her meltdown woke up Zoe so poor H wound up taking both babies out to the living room to rock them in the glider. After around 45 minutes, they both fell asleep and he had to maneuver them through the house and back into the cribs without waking them. (Note that I do this quite frequently and let me tell you, it ain't easy to haul two dead weights through a small hallway without wacking their heads, tripping over a walker or kicking the cat)

I got home around 10:30 and H was just finishing his cold pizza, he looked like someone had beaten him. Apparently they had. At 11:30 I was headed to bed when I heard Zoe creeping in the crib. I decided to wait her out before going in there to go to bed. HA! You cannot outwait a hungry baby. She freaked and I wound up sitting with her in the rocking chair. But without the nursing. This is like poking a tiger. She was screaming and pulling on my shirt. At one point she tried to nurse through the shirt. It was a thin shirt and it might have worked, so I gave in. 4 minutes later she was in a coma. But not Chloe.

She didn't want to miss out on the all night scream-a-thon. H took her to the kitchen to get her a sippy cup with milk. She drank (reluctantly) an ounce or so. He brought her back to the bedroom and she went nuclear again. In an effort to not re-wake Zoe, I took her and held her on my lap. See above re: angry tiger. So she nursed again at 12am. After about 5 minutes, she was drifting off so I handed her to H to put back in her crib. HA! Again!

She grabbed my arm and was screaming like we were sending her to camp for the summer. And not just any camp, EVIL CRAFT CAMP where they make you macramé all your clothes and paint ashtrays.

H wrestled her away from me and plopped her in the volcanic crib. She screamed for another 15 or 20 minutes. How Zoe slept, I have no idea. But then the screaming stopped and she must have fallen asleep. I refused to get up and find out. Also I had the non-baby side of the bed at that point and I wasn't giving it up. She could have spit flaming arrows and it would have been H's problem.

Zoe was back up again at 5:30. I figured this was close enough to morning and I nursed her and put her back in the crib. She went back to sleep until 7:45. Chloe got up at 6 and managed to convince me that sleeping the next hour or so in bed with me was worth the extra sleep. She is very persuasive.

So final scores look something like this:

Babies:

2 rounds of nursing

1 baby sleeping in the big bed for an hour and a half

Parents:

1 cold pizza

1 wet T-shirt

10 toes kicking me from 6-7:30am

5 straight hours of sleep

Who's winning? I have no idea.

100th Post!

2008-05-26T11:55:00.002-03:00

and it's going to be about how I feel like the naptime nazi right now. being the holiday weekend, all our schedules are off. Yesterday C refused her afternoon nap and then had a meltdown in the bathtub. I couldn't even finish snapping her pjs on. She was so mad and screaming her face off. Then she couldn't fall alseep and wound up in bed with me from midnight to two.

this morning they didn't wake up until after 8am (dont' worry, they still had the 4am demand-to-nurse!) and Z was so hungry she actually ate her oatmeal. I know, shocking.

Now it's 11am and I think C finally stopped screaming in the crib. now she's just moaning and sucking her thumb. I really didn't want the morning nap to get pushed too far back, but a nap needed to happen.

It's absolutely horrid to stand here and listen to the screaming....

so i'll tell you what we got done so far this weekend:

Saturday we rented a truck to pick up two swingsets a friend was giving us (one for us and one for grandma's house). Since we had the truck, we carted a washer and dryer of my mom's over to the town recycling center and ran into a guy who was on his way to sell two girls toddler beds to consignment. He also had twins so we scored to brand-new looking beds for $50. Then we moved some of my grandfather's furniture back to mom's for her guest room and scored ourselves grandpa's rolltop desk. However this took all day and resulted in baby meltdown in the car circa 7pm

Yesterday we went to sears and bought a new dishwasher with food disposal system (joy and rapture) and H bought a crazy electric lawn mower. he is very excited about battery powered green mowing. I could care less, as long as I don't have to do it. Who am I kidding? I'd be happy to pay the kid down the block, but H is into his mower. During naptime (in the morning, C boycotted the afternoon nap and spent it with me in the glider watching curious george) we re-organized the basement and made a space for my laptop and printer in the kitchen (more joy and rapture)

Today H is off to the Home Despot to buy some supplies to fill in the gaps in the hardwood floor made by pulling out an extraneous doorframe (don't ask) and to re-sheetrock over the now exposed 1870 wood frame of the house. Babies love to scratch their little fingernails on this super splintery wood and we won't even mention Petey (MUCH joy and rapture)

Well, it sounds all quiet on the bedroom front so maybe I can sneak in and steal a load of laundry to wash while babies pretend to nap. Or not. someone just complained again. it's going to be a long day.

Hope everyone is enjoying the holiday and going to parades and eating hotdogs and drinking beer. Think of me and my naptime struggles while you lay about in the grass and eat potato chips...

some awesome things about twins

2008-05-24T00:16:00.003-03:00

ok, the most fantabulous thing about having twins is....

THE TWIN CARD

I play this most exalted of excuse cards whenever I don't feel like doing something. which if you are me, is most usually always.

for example...

don't feel like trekking out to a house party or other social gathering? "uh, sorry, can't make it... the twins don't travel so well"

don't feel like making phone calls at work? "oh, gee, the twins kept me up all night, I'm really not coherent enough to speak"

don't feel like taking a shower? "oh those rascally twins, no time for hygiene today. Nary a tooth was brushed"

don't feel like talking to your husband? "can't really pay attention to your woes from work, honey, those nutty twins ran me ragged today"

This works on anyone, except for other MoMs. If you play this card on a fellow club member, though, they are usually nice enough to realize that you just don't feel like doing whatever it is and most likely won't call you out on it.

Because it might be true. Or you just might be anti-social like me. But for me, it's awesome. I now have a built in excuse for being a fat lazy lay about. I used to blame my mom ("oh, sorry, I can't drive you all to the party, my mom won't let me"), now I can transfer it to my kids.

little positives here people. little baby steps. since no one sleeps through the damn night and nursing is the #1 nightlife choice for the 9-12 month old set.

Why oh Why...

2008-05-07T12:36:00.002-03:00

...does the village still have a fire whistle that goes off from the firehouse RIGHT BEHIND MY HOUSE everytime someone burns toast?

and why oh why do the good citizens of Fishkill feel the need to burn toast at 5:30am when I have babies who have basically slept all night and are in no danger of waking before 7?

There is a God. He is laughing at me. I would go outside and shake my fist, but it's nap time and I'm afraid he'll set the bell off again.

grrrr.

But, they SLEPT! a little crankiness in the early evening, but by 9pm all was quiet on the bedroom front.

and they've been down for a nap for an hour and 40 min.

i am typing as quiet as possible, but I fear I will not finish my coffee. and decaf is worse cold.

almost human

2008-05-06T22:06:00.003-03:00

last night Z took a "nap" from 6:45pm to 7:30. She then refused to go back to sleep until 9:30. But she did finally go to sleep and then C got up at midnight. H put her back down after a few minutes of cranking. She got up again at 3am to nurse. Z got up at 5:30am to nurse and went back to sleep. C got up at 7, nursed for 2 minutes and was so happy to be in my bed, she grabbed onto my shirt and fell back asleep. Z got up for the day at 7:45.

So I have two babies who "sleep through" but on slightly different schedules.

And I wonder why I look like I do?

Here's some pictures of people who look waaaay more well rested than me. I think that's juice dripping off Z's face, but it could be drool. I know, I'm a bad mother letting her drool all over herself... we won't even talk about the horrors I put her through yesterday, but her head-bump is going away.

bad bad blogger

2008-05-05T15:27:00.002-03:00

i don't get a lot of computer time these days. but that's because there is a lot going on around here.

I had a physical therapist come out to the house to give us an evaluation. Turns out that I'm not crazy and the girls are a little delayed in their motor skills. but not enough to get us any free services, just enough to make me feel bad and give me a new job of SAHPT. so in addition to keeping house from falling apart, cat from shedding everywhere, babies from starving, falling, rolling into stuff they shouldn't and/or being too filthy, I am now in charge of increasing gross motor skills.

which in reality means a lot of tummy time while I cruelly move toys out of reach. and you can just imagine how much they love that. so there's never any crying here.

which leads me to the great sleep fiasco of 08. no one wants to sleep in a crib. well, that's not true, I think H may opt to sleep in a crib soon. Friday night I hit my breaking point. I slept the whole night with C on my arm and when I tried to roll over or even move, she would scream.

So saturday she learned how to sleep in her crib like a big girl. it took her 45 min to fall asleep while H sang to them and then she screamed from 3:30 to 5:30. yes, two hours of shrieking. Z slept through the whole thing not 2 feet away. Petey did not. he was pissed. he kept licking me and batting at my arm as if to say "get up and get that thing to shut up" but I refused. H went to the crib every few minutes when she would spazz really badly. She was a very tired girl yesterday.

But last night I put them to bed myself. I just sang until they both were quiet. C was sleeping, but Z was still awake when I left the room. and she slept until 7am! not a peep. C got up at 3 to nurse and went right back into her crib no complaints and got up at 7 as well.

A few more nights like that and I might be human.

So it looks like we have "sleepign through the night" in the near future and possibly crawling as Z is up on her hands and knees and rocking back and forth. She also has a nice gash and egg abover her right eye as some stupid mommy thought it would be a good idea to practice crawling on the changing table. Needless to say, Z face planted onto the metal hinge on the table top.

That should look awesome for the baptism pics on saturday.

Sleep chronicles, part 2

2008-04-11T14:10:00.004-03:00

I am a wimp. I admit it. here. freely. to the whole wide web. I have given in to babies and have been sleep trained by them. They clearly have read more books on the subject. There must be some hidden messages in Moo Baa LaLaLa that tell babies how to wear down poor pitiful mothers so that they will, after only a week or so of training, submit to your will.

'Crying it out' in our house should really be called 'puking it out' as that's what they do. Z specifically. and I am tired of changing pjs and sometimes crib sheets.

I also decided that this cannot possibly go on for ever. They are 9 1/2 months now. C shows little to no interest in nursing during the day and I'm pretty sure that once she discovers the true functionality of the sippy cup, I will become obsolete in her world. She is also working on crawling... right now she looks like a little green army man with epilepsy, but she'll get there. When she does, I will have to tie a rope around her to find her. Z may hang in there for a few more months, but I have a feeling both babies will be self-weaned by the fall, if not sooner.

Of course, now that I've said that I'll be back complaining in august.

But since they are really only getting up twice a night and it isn't likely to last much longer, I've given in and I let them nurse for the two minutes they want and snuggle in bed with me. I'm trying to soak up all the 'baby' I can these days. They are looking more and more like big girls and I know I'll miss the baby days in the not so distant future.

And NO, this will NOT make me want more. I said I will miss those days, not that I've had a complete frontal lobotomy. I have pictures, this blog, and a paper journal to remind me of what it was really like.

a basketful of babies

2008-04-10T23:05:00.001-03:00

sleep chronicles part 1

2008-04-01T14:20:00.002-03:00

they refused to go to bed last night until H came home. at 8:30. I gave them a bath at around 7, put them in their pjs, nursed them both. They weren't the slightest bit tired. so we read some books on the bed and sang some songs. still not a yawn. I put them in the crib. Petey left the room as his ears are more sensitive than mine. I gave in and took them to the living room. I put them onthe floor and put all the toys away. Then I sat on the couch and read a magazine, ignoring them. they rolled around and sucked their thumbs. When H finally got home, they cracked up laughing and he put them to bed one at a time, with nary a complaint.

Chloe got up at 12:30 for a quick snack and a cuddle and then there was not a peep until 6am. At 6 they both nursed and got clean diapers. No one would go back in the crib. I made a baby sandwich and we all fell back asleep until 8:45.

So needless to say there was no morning nap. by 12 there was freaking. crying and sobbing and eye rubbing and yet, hungry for lunch. I fed them yogurt through the blubbering.

Now they are napping. let's hope I get a good two hours out of this as it's likely to be the only nap they take today.

Do you think they really could be waiting for H to come home to go to bed? Or is there something fundamentally wrong with how I place them in the crib? Oy.

Babies who won't sleep

2008-03-30T21:52:00.002-03:00

am I the only one who has this model of baby? If I had known there was an option for the "sleeping baby" model, I would have ordered it. I certainly would not have ordered TWO of the non-sleeping model.

They are 9 months old. I feel like they should be able to sleep more than 4 or 5 hours at a time. They eat three decent sized meals of solid foods and nurse 4-5 times a day. They have a nightly ritual with baths and pjs and nursing that's been going on for months.

So why did bedtime begin at 7:15pm and end now-ish at 8:45? It's not even really fully over as I can still hear someone periodically shriek from the crib.

I have dear dr. ferber's book and the man would probably be a genius had I had only one baby. even one of the non-sleeping models. But I simply cannot let one baby cry for several hours while the other one is inches away. It gets on her (the other baby's) nerves. And by that I mean, causes her to join in the cacauphony of screams. Which makes me want to run away. literally. I feel like a terrible mother as I am at the point where the crying doesn't make me feel bad, it just annoys me.

I can't move them out of my bedroom since the other bedrooms in the house are upstairs and there is no way on god's green earth that I am going to be dragging my fat ass up the stairs 4 and 5 times a night. I don't even want to do it once a day. There are weeks where I don't venture to that floor of the house at all :)

So I'm tired. and I have no quality of life as I live in fear of bedtime. The whole day could be great with laughs and giggles and fun and when 6:00 rolls around I go into a mild panic about how to get them to go to sleep and leave me alone. so I can have 5 minutes to myself. until petey parks himself on my lap.

Apparently I'm not allowed to have no one touching me.

Sleep, glorious sleep

2008-03-28T18:18:00.001-03:00

we are starting sleep training and night weaning. pray for us. or fear for us.

Big Girls Don't Cry

2008-03-26T20:43:00.003-03:00

Babies who look cute for Easter DO NOT like having their pictures taken:

In case you wanted to guess, C is on the left and yes, she has gel in her hair as she woke up looking like a rooster. or stegasaurus. Z is on the right and is apparently annoyed that the photo shoot is taking so long. I told her to talk to her sister.

Break-out Babies

2008-03-18T00:04:00.001-03:00

Tell me this doesn't look like they've just recently escaped...

Or that C is trying to steal Z's toy. 'Cause that NEVER happens here...

So Long...

2008-03-03T23:18:00.001-04:00

My grandfather passed away yesterday morning. To say we will miss him is an understatement.

Pretty pretty Princesses!!!!

2008-02-29T17:06:00.002-04:00

I know everyone with boys is jealous now! I also challenge anyone who says they "always know" to tell me which baby is which. Just try :)

update

2008-02-24T22:01:00.002-04:00

We went to visit my grandfather yesterday. He has made a somewhat miraculous recovery and they are talking about sending him directly home, not even to a step-down rehab center. We are not really sure what happened. Even the doctors are shocked. I'll just say thanks again.

Can't sleep

2008-02-23T05:18:00.003-04:00

sleep is never a problem for me. I can sleep anywhere. When H and I first met he played on a dart league and I used to go and sleep in a booth in the bars while they played. I've slept through babies screaming and through major construction.

Tonight I can't sleep.

My grandfather is dying. Not in the "we're all going to die; he's 90, etc" sense, but in the very real sense of dying. Minute by minute. His kidneys are no longer functioning, his heart is failing and he's had at least one stroke. Second by second his life is ending. I can't sleep through it.

My grandfather is a patriarch in the true sense of the word. If it weren't for him, my entire extended family would have parted ways long ago. He had four children and four wives. I'm not sure who caused more trouble. His investments helped me buy my house and take 6 months off with my babies. He paid for my room and board my first year at college to make sure I went away to school. He bought me my first car. and my second. He bought me my first diamond earrings and ring. He never missed my birthday, although sometimes he'd remember in October. He had a fantastic garden and grew the biggest squash in westchester county. He would always stop for a hotdog and as late as last year bought me ice cream cones whenever I drove him to the doctor. He basically built my mother's house and just a few years ago, she came home to find him underneath her kitchen sink, fixing the drain. He was 86 and was tightening the pipes by hand. That year he also built her a pool deck.

He told great stories about his younger days. Most of them involved him getting arrested or beating someone up. A few months ago he lamented to H that he could no longer make a good fist, so how on earth was he going to punch anyone. We didn't mess with him. He once pulled the phone out of the wall while my mother was on it. She was a teenager and she talked too much. She still does. He kept us all in line. One year at Christmas my aunt complained that she should get a larger gift since she was the oldest. My mother threw a fit and didn't speak to her sister the entire year. The next Christmas, he gave everyone their gifts and told my aunt hers was more since she was the oldest. She got an extra dollar.

He taught us all how to behave and how to be respectful. You didn't enter without personally greeting him or leave without saying goodbye. He danced at my wedding and complained that I couldn't keep up. He stuck around to see the babies. Actually, we blame him for them being twins. When we told the family last Christmas that I was pregnant, he said, "Good, it should be twins. It's time for more twins in this family". I told him that was a terrible thing to wish on someone. Three weeks later, I had an ultrasound with an extra baby. He thought it was very funny. When the babies were born and they were in the NICU, he made my mother drive him the hour to see them. When they got to the hospital, she offered him a wheelchair since the NICU was in the back of the building and not an easy walk. He made it in on his own two feet and held both babies for almost an hour. We gave him a picture of him holding the two tiny bundles and it's sitting on the table next to his recliner where he spends most of his time these days. He told my aunt that they keep him awake at night; he can hear them crying. So for Christmas this year I gave him a picture of them laughing. It's sitting right next to the first one.

When he dies, there will be a lot of blame being passed around and I'm sure my mother and her siblings will come to blows about who should have done what to help him. But I know he lived a hard life and he's tired. He's been too tired to fight for a year or so now. I don't want him to go. I feel like there are so many things that I want to ask about his life. Stories that no one else will know now. He was the youngest of 10 children. His father came from Italy and carried an anvil in his arms up the train out of the city to start the iron works. His mother was the sister of his father's first wife and she came over to raise her sister's children when she was ill. She married her brother-in-law and had a baby 6 months after her sister's last child. No one talked about it. There was a set of fraternal twins, but I don't know which sister's children they were and I don't remember if they were girls or boys. I wish I could go to the hospital tomorrow with a notebook and write everything down. But it's too late. And I feel guilty that I haven't seen him since Christmas. I feel that I should have done more. Mostly I feel like I ran out of time. There couldn't be enough time to thank him for everything he's done for me. If it weren't for him, I might not have gone to college, I wouldn't have bought this house and I most likely wouldn't have had twins. If I tried to thank him, he'd just shrug it off anyway. As far as he's concerned, that's what you do for your family.

So in honor of my grandfather and his last few days here with us, here are some photos of the man who taught me what family was:

Thank you.

2008-02-21T17:49:00.001-04:00

Happy 8 Months to C & Z and a happy 2 months to JT (as he is affectionately known at our house).

So far 8 months is fun. However, I have noticed that it is creeping up on my 1 year anniversary of not working. (No, I’m not counting my 2 day a week gig as a real job. I have almost no responsibility and I don’t have to go there everyday). Upon this discovery, I’ve also realized that I’ve hit a new low in SAHM-dom.

I am DVR-ing Oprah.

This leads me to the next more important reason for this post:

The BonTon Pact of 1997

Wherein Susan and I vowed to immediately end the life of the other were she ever to be seen wearing a plus sized sweatshirt with animals or flowers appliquéd to it.

I wish to make a few additions to this pact. I should just call S on the phone since she’s really the only one responsible for putting me (and anyone who can see me) out of my misery, but I am preserving the sanctity of nap time.

1. Should either of us ever call Oprah to give us a makeover…
2. Should I ever require Oprah to give me a makeover…
3. Should I been seen wearing maternity clothes after my children can walk and speak…

…Immediate end of life should ensue.

There, I feel better. It’s hard being this frumpy for this long. I gave myself a year to focus on the babies and not worry about what I look like, but god almighty, I’m starting to scare myself. That said, I will now make another vow, right here on the internet that you can all hold me to:

By my 31st birthday I will go through my entire closet and eliminate every article of clothing that does not fit and flatter whatever shape I happen to be at that time.

This may not seem like such a big deal if you never seen my closet. If you have, or if you have been unlucky enough to try to go through it with me (poor f.fanny may never recover) you understand what an undertaking this would be. It WILL happen. I WILL, by next fall, be less hideous than I am now. It may also involve a haircut. I know, but drastic times…

Sippy Success!

2008-02-12T23:33:00.003-04:00

Both girls drank an ounce or so out of sippy cups. I had to help them hold the cups up to their mouths at the right angles, but they drank... water! can you believe it? I barely can.

I have to work tomorrow and H will be home with the baby girls. Good luck to him, I hope it's not too ugly. But now I'm going to sleep. The girls have reverted back to getting up twice a night to nurse. ugh. so tired.

Food Fights Revisted

2008-02-11T22:05:00.000-04:00

So after much advice both here and from my twinny group, here's the gastronomic update:

Z ate both her breakfast and dinner today. For breakfast we had bananas and apples with a tiny bit of oatmeal mixed in to make it a little thicker. For dinner it was squash and avocado mixed with 1/4c of oatmeal made with formula, but it was pretty lumpy.

So perhaps it's just that she wanted something with a little bulk to it and I've been making everything super smooth.

Also, just in case you cared, they both had gigantic poops today. Poops that could have been made by a much larger child. I'm not sure where all the poop came from. I was a little scared.

I made a batch of bananas and carrots today to feed them for the next week or so. C loves the hand blender so I usually let her chill in the kitchen in a seat while I do it. She's a wierdo

Petey Parker Spider Cat

2008-02-07T23:38:00.000-04:00

In case you were wondering what Petey has been up to lately:

There's napping:

Recycling:

Guarding boxes:
And baking biscuits:
As you can see, being Petey is extremely time consuming and would explain why he is currenlty retiring up to his room (also known as the nursery. since no babies sleep up there, Petey has claimed it for his own) for a few hours of napping. But don't worry, he'll be bright eyed and bushy tailed just in time for eyebrow licking while babies try to nurse in the middle of the night.

The Great Digestion Debate

2008-02-07T23:19:00.000-04:00

We've been doing solid food for a while now and I have some questions. I posed them to the twin club, but I thought I'd get some sage advice here as well.

C will eat most anything, but Z is a bit more discerning re: texture, temperature, color of spoon, etc. They eat two "meals" and I'm wondering what exactly I'm supposed to be feeding them. For "breakfast" they have fruit and sometimes yogurt (well, no yogurt for z. if it's not hot she's not opening her lips. one. bit) and for "dinner" they have two vegis and oatmeal (since neither will eat rice cereal). Is this normal? Should I be giving them cereal twice a day? It tends to bind them up and we had a fun night of screaming while not pooping on Monday that I'd like to never repeat. (You really don't know fun until you've physically removed poop from your baby's butt because she can't do it herself. Ask H. )

They seem to be otherwise happy and still nursing ~5-6 times a day. In other related weirdness, they will only eat cereal if it's mixed with formula and not just any formula, but the premie formula. I tried switching them to plain old similac and no one was having that. Z went on a bottle strike while I was at work and forget eating food mixed with new formula.

Oh and no one will drink from a sippy cup. The sight of the sippy cup makes Z cry and C uses hers as a teething toy. When I put them in their mouths to show them that there's liquid inside, they gag and look at me like I've offended them. I've tried putting plain water, sugar water, formula and breast milk in the sippy cups. Same looks of insanity. What should I do about this? Any thoughts? C knows exactly what to do with the cup; she grabs both handles and stuffs the spout into her mouth, but doesn't want to suck on it. Only chew it. Z wants it to go away and tosses it off the highchair tray. repeatedly. Will they ever learn to drink from a cup? Or will I be sending Z to school with a paper mache boobie in her Dora the Explorer lunch box?

*beware of picture below as it contains graphic images of obvious child neglect. Wherein I put my twins in walkers so that I can get the bathtub ready for them without listening to screams from the other room. I know, what a horrid parent I am.*

This was the other night while I was getting the bath together. Z scooted herself backwards until she could reach out and grab C's hand. They did this repeatedly and are totally fascinated with each others faces and hands now. Today I had Z in my lap and C was in her bouncy and they kept touching hands and cracking up. It's really freakin' cute.

* C is on the left and, yes, that is a phone book under her feet since the height doesn't adjust any lower and she is just a touch too short. thankfully, neither has really figured out how to move the walkers around too much. I fear the day of mobility*

Who's right?

2008-02-04T23:40:00.000-04:00

Extra Points to anyone who know's who's who and if they are telling the truth with their T-shirts.

Routine

2008-01-31T21:00:00.000-04:00

In response to Kerri, I am pretty sure that Z sounds just like baby stewie in her own head. Also, I believe that Petey plays a role in her mad schemes. And in response to Kat, my babies are made entirely of peanut butter. it's a cheap source of protein so I can afford to spend money on organic avocados and other baby food crap.

Someone over at the twin mommy club I belong to posed the "What do you do with your twins all day" Here's my response in case any of you are just consumed with needing to know what it is exactly that I do all day long... Today was actually a really good day. No one screamed in my face. For the whole day. WooHoo! Anyway, here's what we do:

5-6ish: Feed babies and hopefully get H to change them before he goes off to work. Fall back asleep while telling self to get up and do things like laundry.

8ish: Finally haul self out of bed to giggling babies who are slapping each other in the crib. Get them up and start getting breakfast together. I get them into high chairs, heat up frozen fruit cubes and shovel it into babies faces. Or around babies faces. Or near their faces. After they eat, we head back into the bedroom to get clean clothes (and diapers). Once they are cleaned up I nurse them both and they usually take a nap as it is now close to 11am.

11-12 glorious glorious nap time!!!

After naps I change them again and we journey out to the living room to either chill out in bouncy seats or play on the play mat with some toys. Usually they will nurse again around 12 or 1 and then again between 3 and 4. I try to put them down for a nap after that second afternoon feeding, but sometimes (usually) this doesn't go so well and they just crash out in their bouncy seats. Today, however, they both slept from 3 to 5.

Dinner happens around 5 or 5:30 and consists of a delish mash up of vegis, oatmeal and formula. I shovel this into C as fast as possible (she would prefer a funnel) and then spend 10-20 minutes negotiating with Z. Who moans and or cries the whole time. while still eating. she is an odd duck. Usually at least one baby poops.

Then it's bathtime. C is very into getting as much water out of the tub as possible. Z just enjoys being naked and kicking her feet around and lifting her butt up in the air. They get into their PJs with the heavy duty fleece diaper covers and I nurse them and plop them into the crib. Sometimes they go right to sleep. Sometimes we play "shake, rattle and roll" for a little while. We are still swaddling them with one arm out a piece since they've started sucking their thumbs and frankly it keeps them quiet at night. They usually konk out around 8pm, but the last two nights we've bumped that up to 7-7:30.

Then C is up sometime around 4am. Sometimes I feed them both. Sometimes I let Z sleep. It depends on how tired I am and if she's really soundly sleeping.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Just in case you all were interested. which I know you are, because, seriously, this shit is fascinating...

Under Pressure

2008-01-30T21:09:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to formulate a post about the pressure to be the perfect mother. I'm not quite sure what I want to say, but it's so unfortunate that I feel a lot of times like I'm not enjoying them as much as I should becuase I feel this pressure to be doing the "right" thing. For example...

Playing:

I friggin' hate eduational toys. There are no educational toys for a 7 month old. they are babies. They want to chew on shit and see stuff that lights up and plays doofy melodies... they don't want to learn french or calculus. they want to chew shit. well, mostly C. Z wants to take over the world.

walkers/exersaucers: toy of satan or fun for twins who chew on everything? In order to eat dinner, or make baby food for the ravenous teething twins, I occaisionally have to stick them some where other than on me. The bouncy seats are no longer cutting it, but the girls still haven't mastered (or don't care to) the art of sitting. So for a few minutes a day they get plopped in a walker or exersaucer. C chews on whatever is in front of her. Z attempts to dismantle hers while moaning her evil plan to her henchmen. I lock the basement door and put a chair in front of it. I don't know why, their little feet barely reach the floor... but I took a header down basement steps at my 1st birthday party, and well, we've seen what that does ;) Anyway, does this make me "worst mother ever"? I hardly think so, but if I read one more dumbass book that equates these toys to burning your child with cigarettes, I may lose it.

Or how about teething rings? Why can't I freeze them? C wants to eat the fridge. Or the cat. If he were frozen. My mother found a teething ring in her fridge that was most likely Ed's if not mine. It's probably made of liquid lead. C loves it. no, that's an understatement. they are eloping next friday.

Television: See above re: walkers. Sometimes we are needing some Noggin' around here. Like this morning when I had to pump and babies did not want to chill on the play mat or read Don Quixote in the original Spanish. So we had a double no no: babies in walkers watching telelvision. Child protective services should have just walked on in and skipped the pleasantries. I mean, what an unfit mother I must be to allow my children to stare blissfully at big-eyed bugs on Miss Spider while I hook myself up to have a rendezvous with Felipe. So. They. Can. Eat.

Food:

Food is one of these areas where I feel like I need to make sure they are getting the right nutrients in the right balances and that more of it gets in then on them. Like if they eat bananas too many days in a row, they will be missing some key ingredient in oh, say, sweet potatoes that will make them Mouth breathers instead of Mensa members. this is absurd. There is no way that my mother could have possibly put this much thought into my food intake. The woman can't remember where she put her cell phone down after hanging it up. (this happened twice today). I'm reasonably intelligent. And look at H. he's pretty damn functional considering the bizarre inedible food product his mother likley served. (I reference the rosh hashana brisket/stewed cauliflower/corn on the cob debaucle of '03)

then there's the organic, free-range, hormone free hoopla. I know for a fact that my mother didn't buy organic vegetables when she made her baby food. Granted, there may have been fewer pesticides, but then again, it was the late 70's, so it was probably worse. People were less concerned or less aware of the crap on their food. I wholly buy into the organic fear mongering. I can't afford gas some weeks, but I am buying organic locally grown apples. At least I've down graded my own dairy from organic to "hormone free". Personally for myself I could give a shit about bovine growth hormone, but I went through puberty early and lord knows I don't need them with boobs at age 7. I have enough problems on my hands with identical twins, at least one of which may be an evil scientist.

The thing is that I feel like we are all driving ourselves crazy. You have to do what works for you and what's best for your life and your family. Do I think it would be better if I didn't have to rely on gadgets to keep my children from screaming so loud the dogs across the street bark? Yes. Is it likely to happen? Um, sure. If I cloned myself and hired a chef and housekeeper. I am doing the best I can with what I've got. I've got two well attached babies who are growing almost perceptively and need attention. We read books, we sing nursery rhymes, we eat two meals a day of organic fruits, vegis, oatmeal and yogurt. They have started taking naps in the crib in the morning and they go to bed every night by 8pm at the latest (we are working this up to 7 as I think they need more sleep and frankly I need less cranky babies at night). But that pressure is still there to measure up to some unatainable goal. I have gotten myself off the hook lately by thinking "maybe that would be possible if I only had one baby..." but I have a feeling there's only so much one woman can do.

Unless you are my mom. Who literally is a super hero. When I was a kid, she brought me roses after a show and signed the card "Super Mom" as a joke. Except it's true. Tonight she came by after work to watch them while I went to the doctor. Then she stayed to help feed them dinner. Then she gave them both baths and while I nursed them to sleep, she put away the bath stuff, did my dishes and cleaned my kitchen. Then she went to play bridge. But she called me from the car to say she couldn't remember who's house the bridge game was at. At least she could find her cell phone.

Why am I not sleeping?

2008-01-28T23:24:00.000-04:00

I am tired. really tired. babies are waking up several times a night with hurting teeth. But I'm not asleep. why? because I am trying to have recapture some semblance of a normal life. Normal people don't go to bed at 10pm. But then normal people don't have teething twins.

Giving Thanks

2008-01-25T16:10:00.000-04:00

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the girls’ birth. Mostly this has been coming up since I’m now working at the hospital where they were born. Mostly because of the hand soap.

When you go to the NICU, you get an education on hand washing. They are very strict about it. And the smell and feel of that soap is something I will never forget. Now that I am working here, every time I go to the bathroom, I have a NICU flashback.

I am incredibly grateful. That is the understatement of the year. There are no words to express how I feel about the fact that my two tiny little peanuts who didn’t even tip the scale at 5 lbs, now eat cereal and fruit like it’s going out of style and have learned to turn the mobile on and off in their crib.

They are scooting themselves around on their backs and almost rolling over and sitting up (sounds like puppies, right?) and in those first few days they couldn’t even eat. C sometimes forgot to breathe.

One night while they were still in the NICU, a night or two after I had been discharged, I woke up panicked and made H call to check on them. C had stopped breathing for a few minutes, but ‘don’t worry,’ they said. ‘She only needed a little mild stim and she came right back’. Which part was scarier, that she had stopped breathing or that if she had been home, I wouldn’t have known what to do? How did I know she needed me?

I chose my OB/GYN based on proximity to my house and where they delivered. Before I was even pregnant or planning it. I did my research; I knew the NICU reputation, before I knew I was having twins. I stopped working at 24 weeks and went on restricted activity not much after that. I stuffed myself to make sure they could gain enough weight (ok, that part was fun). I did everything right. They still came 6 weeks early. 3 weeks before I had anticipated them (being they were multiples and likely to be born early). They even switched their birth order. They had their own agenda.

I am not going to obsess about food intake or milestones or even poop anymore. I’m retiring the log books. I am just going to be happy and grateful that I have two beautiful, healthy, (if you don’t mind some snots now and then), happy and funny baby girls. Last night I literally got down on my knees to thank god that they are here and they are who they are.

And I’m buying scented hand lotion to keep in my desk drawer so I can stop tearing up every time I wash my damn hands.