Shhhhh....

I'm laying on my bed while the girls watch tinkerbell. They seem to have stopped fighting over who gets to wear the purple fairy wings. Please don't tell them i'm in here. It's so hot in my house & the only room that isn't a sauna is my bedroom due to new ceiling fan. I'm sure up for Mother-of-the-year with the television brain rotting & lack of supervision, but it's monday, 80 degrees & raining and I just don't care.

reading

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Twintuition

I knew Z was sick when C told me to please sleep with her sister who needed me AND sat quietly in the doctor's office while Z got checked. If you know C at all you know this took serious self control to reign in her usual chaos.

sadly it was her level of concern for Z and not Z's complaining that made me call the ped. I trust the twin-bond way more than Z's complaining...

getting stood up

I'm here at work on a beautiful saturday morning to ostensibly see patients who NEED TO HAVE GENETIC COUNSELING RIGHT!!! NOW!!!.

except my 10am decided to not show up. but I can't leave as I have two more scheduled after her.

I had such a day yesterday with the powers-that-be about scheduling patients and not having enough open appointment slots and not returning phone calls in a timely fashion that I almost told them to shove very very far.

My job is becoming more demanding than my children. And that is saying something.

Download Needed

please back up all systems onto external drive if you'd like to continue running this operating system.

I have way too much on my plate right now. And my brain is not up to full running capacity. I don't know if it's clogged with pollen or just running too many programs or what. But seriously I can't remember a damn thing.

And this covering a second shift on saturdays is turning out to be a way bigger hassle than it was last time. I suspect it has less to do with the patient load and paperwork than it has to do with my ever decreasing storage space.

Seriously, has anyone invented a backup disc for the human brain? I am in sore need of one.

I will not discuss the whining and general malaise of the short people. I think they have a cold now, and it's not allergies. Although, tomato tomahto really. It's still rivers of snot. and the battle of the hair barettes as snot likes to stick hair to your face in oh-so-attractive fashion.

Perhaps if I find a way to blog from my phone better. I actually think of 108 blog posts during the day, but I'm often hanging laundry or washing dishes when this little gems poof into my head and therefore far far from the laptop. which has unionized with the other electronics and therefore is constantly 'on break'

it finally happened

that blissful day people have told me about but I feared would never come.....

my children have been playing togehter without my needing to interfere or negotiate for over an hour.

I cleaned my bathroom, did a lpad of laundry, sent some emails & now I'm updating my blog!

surely I have jinxed it. since sam just ran by and bit me unprovoked

grumble

I just got off the phone with chase who charged me $10 for overdraft and $1.50 in finance charges when I paid the damn overdraft the next fucking day! What is the point of overdraft protection if I have to pay multiple fees? and I had the money in my savings acct. But will they let me link my savings to my checking? Noooooo. how would they periodically scam money off of me if I had a savings link. I do realize that in the grand scheme of life $11.50 is not the end of the world, but what the fuck do I spend time clipping coupons and reading the goddamn grocery circulars for if I have to pay absurd fees? and also, what good is a text telling you that your account is about to be in overdraft if it comes the day AFTER the mother fucker has posted? Just like the street signs in jersey "You've just missed Exit 4. Nah Nah" Fuck you too!

Don't you wish you had an appointment with me today to discuss your abnormal ultrasound results?


p.s. Clearly I need a drink. or eight. and to NOT wake up to "DOC! WHERE ARE YOU DOC HUDSON?!? WHY ARE YOU UNDER ZOE'S CRIBBY?!?! ZOE!!! ZOE!!! HELP ME FIND DOC!!! OH NO!!!! HOW WILL DOC GET BACK INTO MY CRIBBY?!?! MOMMY AND DADDY!!!! DOC IS UNDER ZOE'S CRIBBY!!!! OH WON'T SOMEONE HELP ME!?!?!?!?!" at 6am. followed by a morning worth of "I'M TIRED! I NEED TO WATCH SOMEFING ON TV!! WHERE IS PINK BLANKET?! I NEED MY CARS TO WATCH ME EAT BREAKFAST! NO!!!! I HATE APPLE JUICE! WHY IS THERE NO ORANGE JUICE?! WHY ARE YOU A TERRIBLE MOMMY WHO DIDN'T BUY ME ORANGE JUICE?! GO TO SHOPRITE AND GET SOME! NOW!!!!" I actually ran out the door when the babysitter showed up. which made Chloe cry. more. as if that were even possible.

sigh

I am sitting on the couch typing on my phone. my back hurts too much to get up & get my laptop & I fear if I walk into the bedroom & actually hear what's going on over the baby monitor, it may lead to homicide. H is not home yet & won't be for another hour. I forgot to buy myself milk @ the store after work today. i've had a headache since I got up... late. the babysitter forgot thay she was supposed to come today (instead of friday) and I don't have a single one of the ingredients for a sidecar. perhaps i'd be able to shake up a vodka martini, but I scammed an anti-inflammatory off my mother & I'm not quite sure if i'm ready for that hang-over. so. sigh. that is all

potty trained?

yeah, so apparently i'm the only one who's potty trained. i'm oretty much trained to order people onto the toilet once an hour and dispense m& ms. does this stop z from pooping in her pants? no.

is it possible that I am washing more laundry than when they were wearing just cloth diapers?

at least sam uses the litter box. most of the time

storyhour fail

in our defence, the librarian is terrible. she is never on time, doesn't engage the kids AT ALL, and insists on passive agressively chastising me for dressing the girls alike & then commenting on how people can't tell even fraternal twins apart - with multiple examples. Like we have patience for that. Then she insists on starting story hour by having the kids get out of their seats to feed a fish to the pelican puppet. 'Cause we're all going to sit nicely after WE ALL GET UP AND JUMP AROUND A PUPPET! WHO THEN SITS AT HER FEET TO "LISTEN" TO THE STORY!" Sorry, but am I the only one who sees where this is going to end?

Perhaps she enjoys re-shelving the entire children's section.

overheard

When asked what they are going to be for halloween, C had this to say (in one breath):

"we going to be wadybugs and daddy is going to be a scawy spider and I will stomp on him and go grrrrrrr!"

You may think that I have sped up the video. But no, sadly, this is their normal speed.

why?!

why does every activity end with a melt down, thumbsucking, blankets & DVR'd sesame street?

this is the only time I don't hear shrieking. please tell me I'm not alone & that my children are not being better served by muppets.

Tuesday morning (in numbers)

loads of laundry washed dried and folded - 1
times zoe threw all the socks from said laundry on the floor - 3
wardrobe changes for zoe - 3
people who pooped on the bedroom carpet - 2
times chloe sat on the potty - 8
times chloe peed on the potty - 1
times chloe peed her through her tinkerbell underwear, pants and socks - 1
pairs of tinkerbell underpants left - 0
tantrums thrown by zoe re: lack of tinkerbell underpants - 2
episodes of curious george watched - 3
catboxes cleaned - 1
ungrateful cats - who knows, can't find him
donuts eaten - 1
locksmiths H will need if he comes home at 10pm again - at least 2

Ahh... Friday

I am sitting at my desk after sending a patient off to get her blood drawn when I look down at my right arm and realize I have pancake batter dried to my right forearm. And not just a dribble. A whole damn mess of it.

so professional.


Construction continues at the "house of screaming children" (as I often like to answer the phone. Ala IHOP) They have discovered that my bedroom is not actually connected to the rest of the house by anything other than gravity and good intentions. And they found a mess of papers and odd bits from 1850-ish. Newspapers, school books, a fountain pen and an unfinished letter to a cousin who had come to visit and since returned home.

Things I have learned, but do not surprise me:
1. my house is damn old
2. it should have fallen back into the earth many many years ago
3. the 3-day job is reminding me of that trip on the SS Minnow
4. it's going to cost me... about double the original estimate
4. Z does not like to sleep at Grandma's house
5. I did not pack enough cookies

They now think they will be done painting by next tuesday. next tuesday people. as in 4 more days in the future. Wherein me and the peanuts (and Sam the Man) stay at G-ma's with Michael. Who has no job. and will not. stop. speaking. ever. Yesterday Z told him to "shut up and be quiet!" at least 4 times. Z does not mince words.

C wants nothing more than to pet Buttons the 14 year-old de-clawed cat. Buttons would rather have his back claws extracted. He spends his time alternately hissing and growling at her. Does this deter C? Nope. She stands there and says "Buttons is my friend, he loves me" The girl is afraid of lint on the floor, but a cat showing all his teeth and spitting at her is her friend. who loves her. She has the full on crazy. And trust me, that kind of nutty does not come from the platypus side of the fam. That's for damn skippy.

Now Z on the other hand. She's one of us. We all would like to tell Michael to shut up and be quiet. with a few extra expletives.

Please send wine. and duct tape. or a shovel to bury the evidence.

Feeling better today

mostly b/c I am at work. The whining started before they actually woke up with C yelling (in her sleep at 5am) "No Do-Do! Don't take my cookie!"

I hope H is having fun with them today. I am working tomorrow too which they are not bound to like, but I am thinking is necessary if we all expect to survive the week.

I wish I knew what all the crabbiness was about.

jumping on the couch

....is preferable to beating them with the broom after they threw their dinner plates on the floor. right?

Terrible Twos or Terrible Mother?

I am waiting for the pot of coffee to brew while the girls watch elmo in grouchland for the second time today. by request. I tried to sit on the floor and get them to play little people, but I couldn't stand the whining and fighting over the little elmo and grover.

I'm too tired to do it today, but I'm finding, increasingly, that I am too tired to fight with them on most days. The whining is wearing on me. Or the caffeine is wearing off. the past two days we went swimming at g-mas and they crabbed out there too.

Don't get me wrong, I still wouldn't go back to that first year where everyone screamed in my face for no apparent reason. But I'm starting to feel like all they do is scream in my face. Now they apparently have a reason. It just doesn't seem like a valid one to me.

I don't have the strength to post about potty training just yet. suffice to say that Z has added whining about M&Ms to her repertoire.

coffee's done

what's more fun?

listening to C yell "wake up Do-Do!" & "Daddy? You help me and come in the window?*" while they are supposed to be napping?

or

enduring Sammy's silent judgement as he ponders the futility of my mopping the floors.

It's a toss up, really. Both have their merits in the race to fully and finally divide me from my sanity.

(and fyi, H, I did not plug in, but am sending this from my phone in an effort to avoid twi-crack at naptime. seriously, I need a church basement meeting with bad coffee to kick this. It's a disease people!)


* what the hell?! When did anyone ever come in through her 2nd story window, let alone to 'help' her? She's a nutter.

Seeking Sleep Solidarity

Will someone please tell me that the screaming will eventually end?

The girls will be 2 next weekend. I work part time and leave them either with Daddy for one day and a babysitter and grandma on the other.

Last weekend H and I went away for 48 hours. That is how long we were gone. They stayed at home with grandma and reportedly did not ask one time where H and I were. They took naps for grandma and went to sleep no problem. Saturday morning, Z woke up early and G-ma let her come downstairs so that she wouldn’t wake C, but otherwise, routines were maintained.

So why then, did the last four nights of bedtime involve screaming and crying and hyperventilating and gagging, culminating last night in me yelling and drugging them with benadryl at midnight? C would not get into the crib without screaming. They would both cry for about 20 min and then stop, take a presumed nap (I don’t know what they were doing, no video monitor, but they were quiet) only to start up with the hysterics in another 20min. Seriously, this went on in a vicious cycle until 12am.

Mistakes I may have made:
1. We left while they were taking a nap. Poor planning, I know, please don’t lecture me on the importance of saying goodbye. Just tell me they will get over it before college applications come due.
2. H would go back upstairs after they started screaming again. They would sit on his lap, demand songs and calm down until he mentioned going back in the crib. Cue screaming.
3. They watched the Little Mermaid on the advice of G-ma (“It has sea creatures. They love sea creatures”) and are clearly traumatized by King Triton yelling at Ariel and breaking her statue (and yes, they have told me repeatedly that “ariel daddy breaked the spatue! That not nice!”) (also, can you tell that no one ever yells at them. Seriously, this is the part of the movie they have issue with. Not the freakish octopus lady. We love her.)
3. I have one of those twilight turtles that only stay lit for 45 minutes while they are supposedly falling asleep. This has never been a problem before as they are always asleep way before that, but the last few nights they’ve been begging to turn the stars back on.

I am mostly looking for support here and maybe a “been there, done that” Anyone who lectures me on the above mistakes will be hunted down. I am resourceful. And vengeful. Don’t make me feel any worse. Which could possibly be mistake #4 in that my children are horribly spoiled and it’s entirely my (well, and g-ma’s) fault. I think they are honestly afraid and possibly having nightmares, but I’m pretty sure there’s nothing I can do about it other than changing the subject when the freaking little mermaid comes up, and trying to replace it with elmo or curious george or blue clues or something else that has no angst or yelling.

And I’m really freakin’ tired. So if you have no advice, please send caffeine. And also, I may never go away again. So not worth it. Alas, I have a wedding in San Diego in October. May God have mercy on my soul.