Wednesday, February 28, 2007

A Rush of Blood to the Head

Increased blood volume and flow is one of those things you read about and think, "Hmm, that's kind of neat" until you are sitting at your desk one day with your feet up on your paper shredder to control the size of your ankles and your earlobes start throbbing.

It is literally making my earrings move. visibly. I just checked in the mirror.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

One Hundred and One

ways to torture marc. Although I loves me some tuckiliscious, sometimes it's just too easy.

----- Original Message -----
Subject: RE: RE: police

done, Its an internet print out ticket so I will send you some info when I get home. will be fun.

as long as you don't mind me lactating :)
rock on!

too gross for the morning. yuck.

why? don't you drink coffee? ;)

leave me alone. i don't know the three of you

we know where you live. and we will be bringing our boobie-juice and poopy diapers to your living room to try out your scotch-guarded sofa... just you wait....

At which point he calls in the big guns and Cc's the wifey:
She is harrassing me. I want to seek an email restraining order.

I'm sure I've just opened up a world of trouble... Anyway since marcus aurelius is waaay more creative than me (hell i'm only creating LIFE over here people, cut me some slack) he has magnanimously suggested the following for blog titles. I will post them below and you can vote for you favorite in the comments. You can also vote for me {sniff sniff} and I'll leave it as is. However, I'm sure I'll lose. Here they are:

bubble of double






An Extra Bun in the Oven

The PregaDoble

Nene Nene

Two in the Flue

Stop the Insanity

Double Trouble






Jeanne's Beanies


Two Flew into the Cuckoos Nest




Monday, February 26, 2007

Too Many Boobies?

Is there such a thing? Actually, there may be. When you have to derail your Sunday afternoon plans to play legend of Zelda in search of a bra that doesn't make you cry (complete with magic flute... it was an interesting day), then, yes, you have boob issues.

(note: I warned you people this wasn't going to be pretty. and yes, I am compiling your most burning twin pregnancy questions into a post that Susan can use to quiz herself with, but these things take time)

Back to the task at hand: holding up the world's most enormous and currently useless anatomical structures.

We all know that I was never lacking in the booby department, but things have gotten out of hand. I mean, it's almost funny when the girl in the maternity store (maternity store ffs!) tells you that if you want a bigger size, you will have to order it online. I mean, it is funny. Until you get home and take a good look at the red raw half circles created by your underwire pushing on your belly and vice versa.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Seriously. Bueller?

crickets .

Yeah, that's what I thought.

On a less horrific note, it appears that the babies like H better than me. surprise surprise. But whenever he puts a hand on the belly they all jump around. for me, again with the crickets. sigh

as an almost post script, my esteemed colleague's suggestion for evil-bra-of-death-medieval-torture-device? Take it off. Commence laughing.

Friday, February 23, 2007

genetic nerdiness makes me tired

and psychotic. I am writing up chart notes from yesterday and while consulting my trusty age-related risk table, I remember that I am having twins.

Therefore, the overall risk that at least one of them has some hideous chromosomal anomaly at birth is roughly 1/234.

This disturbs me. I had a negative first trimester screen which gives me a 5% false negative, however, is that additive due to the fact that they are twins? Should I be demanding my amnio? Do i really want to have a needle shoved into my abdomen not once, but twice and possibly give birth to the next members of the Blue Man Group?

This is why you should be able to drink in pregnancy. or take a sedative. or possibly sleep for 5 straight hours without waking up to pee. if you need me, I'll be hiding under my desk. with a pregnancy wheel, my handy dandy risk table and my copy of Smith's checking out dysmorphology's finest specimens. What I won't have is a bottle of Jack Daniels or multiple pairs of shoes to sit on. Otherwise you could shake your head and say "been there, done that"

Answers to Life's Questions

You asked, here's the answers*:

Q: Did you already gain 30 lbs? If you did….you are my hero…it didn't look it at all!
-- Jen the riddler

A: This is why I love Jen. She has the ability to ask distracting questions and then lie, boldly to your face. The sad fact is yes, I have gained 30 lbs. You did not notice as you were too busy keeping the furry blender that is Petey from biting important parts, like your eyelid. Also, possibly because I was kind to you and did not parade around without my pants on. You would not have survived the exposure to that much cellulite

Petey says: I am not cuddly! I am dangerous and debonair. **

Q: when are you going to find out what the two in your tummy are? -- F.Fanny

A: H and I are hoping for human. We have doubts. We also fear that they may come out wearing masks and capes like little mini mexican wrestlers. I am having an ultrasound on 3/8/07. If los luchadores are so inclined, they will flash us and we will find out. Being that they are my offspring, we figure the-running-around-naked shouldn't be a problem. Getting them to stay still is another story. My personal hunch: Girls

Los luchadores estan luchando en la barriga!

Q: Are you planning on getting a new job after the babies come? Or quit working altogether? I am curious...I'm assuming you won't be making that drive anymore! What about Howie? -- Damanda

A: My plans post-baby involve becoming a one woman milk factory and washer-woman. I figure this is all that I will have time for immediately after the twinilisciousness begins. I am hoping to swing some form of maternity leave until maybe mid October and then see where the finances fall. Driving to the Bronx everyday makes me want to jump out of a moving vehicle and beat people who are in the wrong lane for the goddamned george washington bridge and really, how many times have you crossed this bridge and yet, you still don't know which lane to be in with your enormous SUV and new jersey plates.... Um, yeah. So that's probably not going to continue on.

As for H, if he doesn't work, we don't eat. As much as he would love to be Mr. Mom, until he begins his sympathetic lactation, he's the Metro North's bitch.

That brings up some other questions which are not directly attributable to anyone in particular, but have been asked of late:

Q: How do you know they are identical?

A: *for genetic nerds only* They are monochorionic diamniotic, which makes me very happy as I don't need to sit around thinking about who's strangling who with which cord. *For non-genetic nerds* They share one placenta, but have their own amniotic membranes. This means they came from the same egg, but can't directly touch each other. They can, however, kick each other in the head through the membrane.

Q: Are you really planning on nursing two babies? Have you lost your mind? Is that even possible? Why, WOMAN WHY?!?!

A: Yup. I'm poor, boobie-juice is free and I always wanted to learn how to juggle. Also, I'd like the monstrosities I've been carting around for the past 15 or so years to have a purpose other than excruciating back pain (as fun as that is). It's supposed to be possible. I will let you know.

Q: When are you due?

A: This is a fun question as it changes with my mood. I will be 40 weeks on August 2. Twins usually come earlier. Apparently, 38 weeks is post-dates for twins. I'd like to hold out until 37 weeks which will put me around July 13, which is coincidentally the 7 year anniversary of Howie and my first date. Creepy, huh? If you had told me then that I would be blogging about the twins I was having with this particular lost boy, I may have slapped you silly. Provided I could see straight enough to do so.

Feel free to ask me more questions about my uterus and it's contents. I find the whole thing bizarrely fascinating and you all know I have no shame. Perhaps with the next U/S pics, I'll post a belly pic so you can see the ins and outs of this freakshow.

*Sorry susan, I couldn't get the answers hidden. well, i didn't really try. but I added some funny pics for you instead....

** Petey is waaaay fatter than this now. This pic was from his former kitty-porn modeling days. Now he's a dirty lay-about who doesn't even feign interest in catching the mice in my basement. Unless they come bearing hairbands or twistie-ties.


I finally got blogger to fix up this bad boy. Unfortunately, I can only post from work, I can't view (don't ask, something about "Blocked by websense") so bear with any formatting stupidity. I will try to work out any of that over the weekend...

So as the inaugural post, please feel free to ask me insane questions in the comment section and I will work at answering all of them.

For today's little update: I've already gained 30 pounds and have decided that I must be growing a twin in my ass. Either that or I will soon be budding a clone like the hydra. that's hot. And people wonder why Howie wants to sleep in another room...

Friday, February 09, 2007

By Popular Demand

I bring you (at the great insistence of Crazy Diana) one insane blog regarding the gestating of my twins.

I hereby vow to post absurd belly pics and wax poetic about my future ability to parent/wrangle a whole house o' babies.