Thursday, April 26, 2007

At least this time I didn't go before the Academic Integrity Board

Yes, another F on my permanent record. Goddamn! I can't even pass the freakin' sugar test! And much like Evil-ution, I will have to retake the test and it will be much more painful the second time around. However, I can be pretty sure that this time, I won't be forced to attend 8am lectures in Kennedy with the round headed freak sitting behind me and flicking things over my shoulder. Small victories here people, small victories.

Anyway, so I failed the initial glucose screen and my doctor asked me what I had eaten the day previous, just to get a typical day's menu:

2 bowls of cereal
fat free yogurt and banana
2 cups of decaf coffee
microwaved bean and cheese burrito (while I was deciding what to have for lunch)
can of black bean soup with sour cream
blue corn tortilla chips
mini dove chocolate egg
bowl of chili with more sour cream (I dropped the container at lunch time and it cracked, I therefore have to eat the entire container asap)
3 corn muffins (blame that one on H. he ate three and I was not going to be outdone)
baked apple crisp with neopolitan ice cream

The doctor looks at me and says "so, were any vegetables harmed in the making of this diet?"


I may go off the deep end if they put me on a diabetic diet. By the way, for those of you playing the home game, I've gained 50 pounds. No, I'm not kidding. I'd like to think it's all belly, but my tits and ass beg to differ.

Woe is me. woe. woe. woe. I have to go in to Quest at 7am on Monday and drink the lovely orange drink and then sit there as a hostage for 3 hours while they periodically pincushion me to make sure I'm not over sugaring the babies. I also think that I should get dispensation on my blood glucose levels being that there are two babies.

anyone have more excuses I could use for my tonnage?

oh, and many people have queried why crazy diana is crazy, but I can't tell you. See, that's the enigma that is crazy D. Just go with it people. Ride the flotsam.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Is it my fault she's crazy?

at the request of crazy diana, who does not want to sit next to H in hell either, 
this post has been removed.

We apologize for any insanity it may have caused.

You can forward your psychiatric bills to the following address:

H & J
7th Circle of Hell
First Row
Middle Seat

Thank you, that is all

Friday, April 20, 2007

Even my uterus is irritable

We had a fun little trip this week to Vassar Hospital to check out the fancy maternity unit. I also got to ride in a wheelchair from the ER and an excellent shot of muscle relaxant.

Here's the back story:

Tuesday night I had just some vague ick. Nothing specific, I was just more uncomfortable than usual. I didn't really do much during the day, but I did take a few trips up and down the stairs so I figured I was just tired.

I woke up Wednesday morning... well, starting at 2am really and I still had cramping and just a vague, "this is not good feeling". I was up pretty much every hour or so to go to the bathroom. Trust me, this is excessive, even for me :)

Around 8am I finally broke down and called my OB. I went in to the office when they opened and they hooked me up to the fetal monitor. I figured that I would just lay there for a half hour and they would tell me I was crazy and to go home. So, yeah, that didn't happen. As I was laying on the table, I had three contractions. in about 45 minutes.

The weird thing about it was that it was sort of fascinating to have this feeling of being squeezed like toothpaste and watching the numbers shoot up on the display. After the doctor came in and reassured me that my cervix was fine, they decided to do a fetal fibronectin and send me to Vassar anyway.

Ugh. I had sent H to work and my mom was actually calling the doctor's office wondering what had happened to me (I called her before I called the OB and she hadn't heard back from me in over 2 hours). Thankfully, she only works a few minutes away so she came to pick me up and drive me to the hospital. I continued to have irregular contractions in the car and even walking in to the ER. That was fun.

When I got in to the ER, I told them I was having contractions and I think due to my ginormous size (pictures to follow soon, I promise) they plopped me right into a wheelchair and brought me upstairs.

They monitored the babies' heart rates and my contractions for another few hours and then finally decided to give me a shot to stop the contractions. The babies' were great the whole time; good heart rates, good movement. They actually were kicking so much, they were moving the belts. The contractions actually weren't so bad, but I didn't want them to progress and wind up delivering 2 pound and a half babies.

After the shot, they checked the babies again and they were just as bouncy as before so they sent me home. I got home and poor H had finally made it home. It took him almost 4 hours to get from his office to the house.

We called him when they were discharging me and he was just on the road up to the hospital. We told him to go home. He was less than pleased. But mostly because it took him so long to get to me and he couldn't really get in touch with us to find out what was happening. Plus it probably didn't help that I lost my shit on the phone with him as I was walking back to the house to wait for my mom to take me to the hospital. So he had a pretty shitty day and didn't even get a wheelchair ride or a turkey sandwich.

I continued to have some mild blech feelings for the rest of the day, but by Thursday I was feeling much better. From what I can figure, the pressure I was feeling was probably due to the fact that both babies were smashed as far down into my hips as possible. All this room in the gigantor belly and they are wedging themselves into the tiniest space I have.

Last night I had an U/S appt and the babies looked good. Not that they were helpful to the tech. The were breech and transverse across each other and facing my back so it was difficult to get a good shot of either of their faces, but I saw little feet and a hand waving and wiggling little fingers. The right-side baby continued to moon the camera the entire time. The only shots I have of her involve her butt. She's also the one who likes to kick me in the ribs. what joy.

After the U/S, I saw one of the doctors. She told me I had done the right thing by calling when I did and that it's very likely to happen again. Double joy. My new instructions are to count up the contractions and if I get more than 6 in an hour, call in and they will most likely send me straight to the hospital.

So that's the drama. Now I am doing even less than before, if that's even possible. There's two days worth of dishes in the sink and I am not dealing with them. I did manage to take a shower and wash my hair, so that was a plus.

I just figured I'd update the troops in case anyone was wondering what happened to me :) But we are all OK now, so don't worry.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Aaaah Saturday

There's something about Saturday. Even when you aren't going to work everyday, you wake up and know it's different. Even Petey sleeps in. I got up this morning around 8:45 since the babies decided it was time for their morning calisthenics. I even managed to get the coffee out of the freezer and into the machine before Petey came strolling in and jumped in front of the coffee pot (Obviously, he must be fed before anything else happens in the kitchen. This is a major tenet of the Cat-Human Peace and Friendship Treaty. What did you think happened to the Ancient Egyptians?)

Now I am sitting in my living room with a cup of coffee in my very lovely Sedona Coffee Pot cup with the newspaper and 45,000,000 coupons that my mother brought me yesterday. It's like nirvana.

However, I'm not sure my neighbors appreciated gigantic pregnant girl in her pj's weeding her front garden bed with the newspaper in her hand. I have a feeling I looked like one of those funny garden decor items that consist only of a woman's giant ass. Oh, well, too bad. I have 3 tulips with buds in the front and an easter lilly poking up. Maybe by June it'll be warm enough for my flowers to come in.

happy weekend!

Monday, April 09, 2007

OFFER: one spider cat

oh, the Petey has been a very very bad boy today. Starting at 6:45 when H left, he hopped on my belly while I was laying in bed and began breathing in my face. i ignored him. so he jumped onto my dresser and started knocking things off of it. i ignored him. so he climbed on top of my jewelry box and bopped my rings around. i yelled at him and then attempted to go back to sleep. so he went into the bathroom, climbed into the bathtub and began yowling for the echo effect. I gave up and got up. I tried to eat breakfast, he tried to lick the cream cheese off my bagel. I put my dishes in the dishwasher, he climbed in the kitchen sink. I sat on the couch, he jumped on the kitchen island to harass the defenceless daffodil sitting there. I got up to yell at him, he jumped in my seat. I tried to read the paper, he sat on the paper. I turned on the TV, he jumped on top of the fish tank and attempted to open the lid. twice.

does anyone want a 14 month old 13 lb black and white male cat with no testicles and with a personality disorder?

on another note I had a lovely visit from f.fanny today. we had a very exciting outing of lunch and a grocery store run. We dished about all the gossip we've missed on each other's families and friends and then poor f.fanny made the mistake of picking up the "what to expect" book that lurks on my coffee table. She may never be the same. She kept turning pages and saying, "no! Do you have XYZ?!!" to which I would have to reply, "Yes, sometimes twice"

Of course, while she was here, Petey was a perfect gentleman.

Seriously, now he's back to taunting the fish and licking his own butt. also, there are cat hair rhinoceroses floating around my living room. I am assuming it's his winter coat coming off, but as he hates the kitty brush and will only run around the room, pausing periodically to bite it when it appears. I am helpless against the cat hair.

I promise there will be more belly photos soon. H must be around to take them and upload them and, well, he's working like, well, like I used to. He didn't leave until 7 tonight and likely won't be home much before 10. yick.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

just zonked

i am almost too tired to type. i went to the doctor today. she was very pleased to hear I had stopped working. apparently I look that bad. I even showered. and put contacts in. yikes, I must be scary.

Otherwise my appointment went well. I have another next week and an U/S for fetal growth the week after.

Right now I'm off to the sofa. maybe I can sneek in a quick nap before mom gets here. she's taking me on an outing to the grocery and to play bridge. can you stand the excitement?

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

synchronized swimming

I think I will enroll my two-some in some good ol' fashioned esther williams esque swim classes as soon as possible. Based on the kicks we've been seeing today, I think they may have a future in the world's creepiest olympic sport.

Today I did not get an outing at all. I did take a shower on the advice of some who've been here, done that, and got the T-shirt to prove it (plus a plethora of pics of a pretty cute duo. thanks eva :) and I found a bra to put on. It's the '64 B-movie Bra, but it's holding the original twins up for now. I may still have to resort to hiring midgets on skates. I also managed to get a load of laundry done and work out my insurance snafus.

Wow, that's so boring, it made me yawn. I already lived it once. But in somewhat related news, H rearranged all the living room furniture this weekend so that the recliner faces the TV and the front windows. Now I am truly on my way to becomeing the crazy cat lady of the block. Petey and I spent some time today staring at the fish tank and marvelling at the vast number of pedestrians that pass our front gate. I guess it was nice outside today and people felt the need to trot about on their errands. Petey thought they looked tasty and suspicious (the fish and the peds. both)

I'm actually a little surprised at how fast the day seems to go. I thought I would be more antsy, but I'm pretty happy to sit here and read blogs for a few hours, knit a little, watch a little TV and make a few phone calls. I'm sure this will end soon and I will be trying to carve my way through the plaster with a soup spoon, but for now I'm just going to be happy that I don't have to go to work.

Tomorrow I see the doctor again. The good news is that my leg is pretty leg like now. The bad news is that the doctor I'm scheduled to see tomorrow is the least sympathetic of the group. It might be that she's a woman and therefore thinks I should suck it up a little. I am inclined to agree, but I really really REALLY don't want to go back to work. I will not be showering tomorrow. or wearing makeup. I may only wear one sock. If I concentrate hard enough, perhaps I can give myself an eye twitch. That should do it.

If that doesn't work, I will tell her that Petey and I will be beginning practice sessions for our new olympic sport. It's ingenious and only slightly creepier than synchronized swimming. I'm not quite sure what to call it yet, but it incorporates my skills in dropping food out of my mouth and catching it with my shelf o' boobies and Petey's uncanny ability to lick his own ass at a moments notice. He can even do this on the kitchen counter while you are trying to spread peanut butter on your banana and precariously balance rasins atop which will only end up on your boobs anyway. It's disgusting, but you can't look away.

Monday, April 02, 2007


Really? No comments? I tell you people I'm trapped in my house and there are NO COMMENTS?!?!

I think I've been home too long. I'm starting to talk to the cat. OK, I always talked to the cat, but he looks like he's starting to understand. Not that he cares. He's still a cat.

Help me people. really.