Friday, February 23, 2007

Answers to Life's Questions

You asked, here's the answers*:

Q: Did you already gain 30 lbs? If you did….you are my hero…it didn't look it at all!
-- Jen the riddler

A: This is why I love Jen. She has the ability to ask distracting questions and then lie, boldly to your face. The sad fact is yes, I have gained 30 lbs. You did not notice as you were too busy keeping the furry blender that is Petey from biting important parts, like your eyelid. Also, possibly because I was kind to you and did not parade around without my pants on. You would not have survived the exposure to that much cellulite

Petey says: I am not cuddly! I am dangerous and debonair. **

Q: when are you going to find out what the two in your tummy are? -- F.Fanny

A: H and I are hoping for human. We have doubts. We also fear that they may come out wearing masks and capes like little mini mexican wrestlers. I am having an ultrasound on 3/8/07. If los luchadores are so inclined, they will flash us and we will find out. Being that they are my offspring, we figure the-running-around-naked shouldn't be a problem. Getting them to stay still is another story. My personal hunch: Girls

Los luchadores estan luchando en la barriga!

Q: Are you planning on getting a new job after the babies come? Or quit working altogether? I am curious...I'm assuming you won't be making that drive anymore! What about Howie? -- Damanda

A: My plans post-baby involve becoming a one woman milk factory and washer-woman. I figure this is all that I will have time for immediately after the twinilisciousness begins. I am hoping to swing some form of maternity leave until maybe mid October and then see where the finances fall. Driving to the Bronx everyday makes me want to jump out of a moving vehicle and beat people who are in the wrong lane for the goddamned george washington bridge and really, how many times have you crossed this bridge and yet, you still don't know which lane to be in with your enormous SUV and new jersey plates.... Um, yeah. So that's probably not going to continue on.

As for H, if he doesn't work, we don't eat. As much as he would love to be Mr. Mom, until he begins his sympathetic lactation, he's the Metro North's bitch.

That brings up some other questions which are not directly attributable to anyone in particular, but have been asked of late:

Q: How do you know they are identical?

A: *for genetic nerds only* They are monochorionic diamniotic, which makes me very happy as I don't need to sit around thinking about who's strangling who with which cord. *For non-genetic nerds* They share one placenta, but have their own amniotic membranes. This means they came from the same egg, but can't directly touch each other. They can, however, kick each other in the head through the membrane.

Q: Are you really planning on nursing two babies? Have you lost your mind? Is that even possible? Why, WOMAN WHY?!?!

A: Yup. I'm poor, boobie-juice is free and I always wanted to learn how to juggle. Also, I'd like the monstrosities I've been carting around for the past 15 or so years to have a purpose other than excruciating back pain (as fun as that is). It's supposed to be possible. I will let you know.

Q: When are you due?

A: This is a fun question as it changes with my mood. I will be 40 weeks on August 2. Twins usually come earlier. Apparently, 38 weeks is post-dates for twins. I'd like to hold out until 37 weeks which will put me around July 13, which is coincidentally the 7 year anniversary of Howie and my first date. Creepy, huh? If you had told me then that I would be blogging about the twins I was having with this particular lost boy, I may have slapped you silly. Provided I could see straight enough to do so.

Feel free to ask me more questions about my uterus and it's contents. I find the whole thing bizarrely fascinating and you all know I have no shame. Perhaps with the next U/S pics, I'll post a belly pic so you can see the ins and outs of this freakshow.

*Sorry susan, I couldn't get the answers hidden. well, i didn't really try. but I added some funny pics for you instead....

** Petey is waaaay fatter than this now. This pic was from his former kitty-porn modeling days. Now he's a dirty lay-about who doesn't even feign interest in catching the mice in my basement. Unless they come bearing hairbands or twistie-ties.


Lacey said...

so do you think you will have the babies the natural way?...lord it's scary enough having one the natural way my dear....god is mommy D doing with all of this..?...L

Rebecca said...

OMG! You should have them on 7-7-7! then they can have the coolest birthday EVER!!!! and share with maggie the blue haired wondergirl.