All Hail the Mighty Carbohydrate

yup, so glucose is my bitch. that's right, you heard me. my bitch. I aced me test and have been cleared of all heinous carb-restricted diets. This morning I had a bowl of cereal and a bagel in celebration.

woohoo. life is exciting around here.

Petey is on a fun diet himself. He has been biting the fur off of his back to give himself a hot new look for spring: The Kitty Mohawk. All the cool cats in town will soon be sporting the bare stripes down the spine in obvious deference to his royal highness of squirrel-menacing and human tormenting.

We took him to the vet since H decided that punk was not petey's best look. It's a serious bummer when even your vet thinks your cat is deranged. He doesn't have fleas. He doesn't have mites. No scabies, no kidney or liver enlargement. Just missing fur. Her suggestions were two-fold

#1 He is neurotic
#2 He has a food allergy

Since we already know #1 to have been true for sometime, we have decided to pursue option 2. I purchased a $32 bag of kitten crunchies and two cans of duck and pea pate. Let me tell you what Petey thinks of pate. Roughly what I think of pate which is BLECH and VOMIT. The stuff smelled so bad that I couldn't go in the kitchen. Seriously, it was foul. H put it in his dish and petey snorted at him.

All of this hair removal began shortly after the great nation of China decided to poison all of our pets in an attempt to take over in a risky terrorist plot. So we had to switch the petester off of his beloved nutro niblets as our store no longer carries any niblets in gravy. Unfortunately, Petey the Destroyer only dines on niblets and if there is not enough gravy, he makes his own by splashing in the water dish. Truly charming and not at all messy or a slip hazard for me who cant' see the floor on a good day.

We had been feeding him a highly nutritious diet of nine lives and friskies. If it's good enough for Morris, it must be good enough for His Holiness. Apparently not.

Being the good (and currently without research opportunities) scientist I was trained to be, I dug out an old tainted pouch of the beloved niblets (in case you are wondering, I saved the pouches he hadn't eaten on the advice of my mother who seems to think there may be a class-action suit I could get in on. this is good since I clearly need some action, class or otherwise) and began comparing ingredients between nutro, nine-lives and friskies

...At this point you should send help. Or a truckload of unfinished macrame as I clearly have too much time on my hands...

It looks like Petey the Neurotic Kitten may be allergic to soy. Who the frig is allergic to soy? Isn't soy what you give people who are allergic to everything else?? Now guess how many cat foods come in niblety form and do not include soy.

One.

Sheba.

It costs $1.39 a can. Petey eats two cans a day. That's $84 a month in cat food. Plus his weight in dry crunchy food.

This week may also be my last paycheck from my most wonderful employer.

But hey, at least I can eat bread. oy.

"Bow before me, my minions!"