Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Tales of an umbilicus

*warning: this post may include more information than you ever wanted to know about my belly button*

Many of you are aware of my belly button fascination. I mean, I really contemplate the damn thing to death, and not in a karmic, know thine inner self sort of way. I mean in a play with it while I talk on the phone and refuse to wear anything that rubs against it kind of way. And as you may also be aware, one of my great fears of pregnancy is the outing of my innie.

Today this fear has been eradicated.

Yes, it is a momentous day when I no longer fear the out-pouching of my poor sweet belly button. What brought about this strange and mysterious change of heart?

Today, of it's own free volition, my tiny umbilical stump fell off!

I'll back up for those of you just joining. You see, my main fear of poked out belly button is that inside my belly button (which happens to be waaaaay more innie than normal people's) remains the tiny dried up scary scabby stump of my umbilical cord. But not anymore! Not as of today.

"that's madness" you may say to yourself, "no one's belly button stump stays on that long!" I at one point would have agreed. I first discovered the belly button stump sometime in college. (Do your self a favor: if you don't know why I was deeply contemplating the inner contents of my belly button in college, don't ask. If you do remember, try to block it out again. No one needs that memory taking up valuable synaptical resources.) Back to the stump. I tried to remove what I felt must be some seriously old ass belly button lint with my finger. it wouldn't budge. so i tried a pencil. still nothing. so I got the tweezers. This is when I first knew true and searing pain. The kind of intense pain people feel when limbs are removed without the niceties of anesthesia and an operating room.

Ever since then I have lived the philosophy of "Let sleeping umbilical stumps lie" or something to that affect. (or is it effect. meh. i never know)

So you can understand my fear of ginormous pregnant belly being punctuated with hideously foul dessicated 30 year old umbilical stump. I can only imagine the panic and hysteria it would incite.

Today while in the bathroom for one of my many breaks, I examined the remnant of my precious fetal life line, as I do on almost all trips to the bathroom or anytime I change my clothes or even if I happen to be laying on the couch or reading a magazine... remember people, it's called an obsession for a reason.
Recently my belly button has stopped resembling a perfect round little "o" and has become something of a smirking tilde, a snide spanish punctuation if you will. There appeared to be something poking out of the wavy little line. "oh great" I thought to myself "it has begun". Upon further investigation, my little lost stump seemed to have moved to a more southern latitude. Fearing for the worst, I tentatively touched the tiny scab and it fell off! It actually fell off on my finger! Seriously, I almost passed out.

I regained my composure and looked further at my belly button, which now resembled a normal human belly button. I breathed a sigh of relief.

So I no longer have to fear the horrific spectacle of decayed and moldy stump navigating the way forward on the world's most rotund surface.

To tell you the truth, I think I miss the little bugger. We've been through so much together. Just try to guess how many times I've looked at my belly button nostalgically since then. I couldn't begin to count...


side note: thanks to wikipedia, I now have this little gem to focus on: "
As navels are essentially scars, and not in any way defined by genetics, they are often an easy way to distinguish between identical twins." I'm especially fond of the little snippet at the end of the article.

1 comment:

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