Friday, March 30, 2007

Thank You, Ms. Bryant and your Angelic Associates

I know you've all be waiting on the edge of your seats for the next installment of "A Boob Story"

(Can you tell I'm trapped at home with way too much TLC to watch? That's a whole other rant, but let me just say how I laugh and scorn these people with only one baby! HA! you know nothing of my fear and dark premonitions. Fie on all of you. Fie on the whole of TLC!)

Back to the boobs: I recieved my shipment from Lane Bryant dot com and was promptly dismayed. One didn't fit at all. I mean, couldn't even close the damn thing. On the online model it looked so comfy. Of course, her size was decidedly not 38DDD and she definately did not have preggo belly pushing up on the bottom band. The second was the goddess nursing bra that every raves about on the internets.

I don't know who these internets people are, but apparently they are streaming live from 1965. This thing is horrendous. It's stiff cotton with pointy cups. POINTY CUPS! Because, let me tell you, what you need when you have boobs that are larger than some people's asses, it for it to be pointing directly in front of you as if to say, Hello. I am Jeanne's Freaking Ridiculously Oversized Boob*.

As I have no other options and the stabby stabby pain in my ribs is decidedly boob related, I cave and wear this monstrosity. H tries to be kind and tell me that it doesn't look as hideous as we both know it does. He actually tried to convince me that it looked like a fancy lace bra under my shirt. I had to lay down from all the laughing.

My mother takes pity upon my soul and agrees to take mini-mis-marked bra back to the Lane Bryant down by her. Unfortunately the lady in the store tells her that she can't return it there since they don't sell that torture device in this store. But being the angel she is, and given the fact that my mom can chat a blue streak, the lady advises her to buy the world's largest swath of material ever to sport hook and eye closures. I took it out of the bag today and actually laughed. My grandfather was in the car. He asked me when I was planning to start jumping from planes.

I am now wrapped in rapture. They are lifted. They are somewhat separated (hey, let's not get greedy. In order to separate them, I'd need another rib cage). The straps are wide and plushy.

I have no idea how much this thing costs, but I just got our taxes back and we're getting some money back. I think at least $2K should be set aside for boob related costs. H wanted a new sofa. let's see who wins...

*Fight Club reference totally for you, H


Kathryn said...

You might need a new sofa just to fit the growing boobs! (How's that for a comment!)

pokettiger said...

My twins are going to turn a year old in May and I still can't find a bra that will fit me right. Starting to feel like a freak of nature with a very odd body.

Rebecca said...

So here's the deal. At this point, my recommendation is to get some Bravado nursing bras. They're stretchy. They're comfy. They won't hold em up but then, by the end of my singleton pregnancy, it would have taken a forklift to keep the F+s up. Since I have no clue what size they were once I passed DDDDDDDD. Anyway. Bravado.