Ho Ho HO!

Yes, this is Santa and yes, he is sitting in my living room! Our local FD drives Santa around on the fire truck and he comes in, brings a small gift and takes a family photo. No mall, no lines, no crying.





It rocked.





Afterwards, my mom took this shot:

Even Petey got in it. The best part about twins is that you can hide behind them. :) H is off for the next few days and that means a lovely holiday for me. less diapers and less crying. Woohoo!!!

Happy Merry to Everyone!

The Secret of Nim

Nim is what we call the pacifier. I don't know why, I think my brother made it up when we were kids. I also call Andes candies "childworlds". I have many issues.

The secret of nim is that is just doesn't taste as good as thumb. Perhaps a better title for the post is "The Great Thumb War" as I now spend all my free time (hahahah!) pulling little thumbs out of mouths and sticking in nims. I feel like sisyphus but i'm pushing two boulders. Life is grand.

I think that I might be winning the nap wars, however. I decided that I wouldn't want to take a nap if my pants were wet, so today I tried changing them about a half hour before I wanted the nap to start (or thought it should. I am the nap nazi apparently) and then put them in the crib to watch the mobile. The crazy shapes mobile plays for 15-20 minutes and both times they fell asleep for a solid hour. This made me do the dance of joy. and then I fell asleep. well, I feel asleep for 10 minutes during the afternoon nap until the phone rang and Petey realized I was napping on the bed. Then he came over and yawned big fish breath yawns in my face and proceded to lick the skin off my inner wrist. So, yeah, no more napping for me.

And you may be wondering how it is that I am posting at 9pm. Have I run away? Am I hiding inthe basement? No, I am sitting on the couch and I'm home alone. well, I'm never alone. I have twins and a mental cat. But H is still out at his company holiday bash and I got the girls bathed, fed and in bed by 8:15. And they went right to sleep. Chloe fell asleep while I nursed Zoe and then she fell asleep on the boob. I stuffed them both in sleep sacks and snuck out of the room.

We are still swaddling them, which I now is probably weird, but they like it and have a hard time falling asleep if their arms aren't in. This could be due to the fact that they like to sleep like sardines and flailing arms could lead to a rousing round of "Slap your Sister"

We went for our 6 month check up yesterday and of course, here are my questions that I was too dumb to ask the doctor. Not that I would trust his answer. What with my high view of the medical establishment...

1. Which is more evil; thumb sucking or pacifyer?
2. Is it ok that they only gained 2 lbs but grew 3 inches in the past 2 months? Did I unwitingly give birth to giraffes?
3. How much should I be feeding them? They are nursing 5-6 times a day and eating ~2T of rice cereal and a serving or two of bananas a day.
4. I realize that they were premies, but they really haven't rolled over with any consistancy. I know they can roll from front to back and from side to side, I've seen them do it. They just don't care to do it regularly. Should I make them roll more?
5. Why am I mental? Have I been hanging with Petey too much?

Any thoughts would be appreciated. And anyone who reads this before 2pm tomorrow, send some good vibes to Susan who is going to have a baby at the above mentioned time. (Should I ever be foolish enough to have more children, I am absolutely planning my c-section. What a wonderful thing to not have to listen to crashing heart rates while an anesthesiologist takes his sweet time numbing your nether parts) Based on her persistant heartburn and her last u/s that estimated a good solid 10lb of baby, we are all excited to meet the tiny sasquatch! Plus I'm sure she'd be thrilled to know I just blogged her, but she'll be incommunicado and quite sleep deprived very shortly, so I think I'm safe. :)

Work Stinks!

I'm at work today. And I'm offsite from where I normally work, so I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I finally managed to access my outlook remotely here and realized that my next patient isn't scheduled until 3pm. Ouch. Which means I won't leave here until 4 or so. Which also means my mom will be stuck with twinsanity until close to 6. This will not make her happy. I think I won't tell her. :)

The working thing is ok, if not a little trying. I think I used to care more about how I managed my professional life. Perhaps that's because I didn't have much else going on in my personal life. I mean, I had my friends and family and I had H, but I didn't have to take a break every 2-3 hours and hook myself up to felipe the breast pump. That may have something to do with my lack of focus.

Speaking of breast pumps (sure, why not, it's my blog I can speak of whatever I shall choose and today it's breast pumps) I'd like to personally congratulate any woman who works full time, or even part time for that matter, and manages to pump enough breast milk to feed her baby. I may be easier with only one baby, I wouldn't know, but I can tell you that pumping enough for two is a serious pain. There's so much stress to get enough out to feed them during their day at daycare. And I don't know how you would do this without an office. I'm neurotic enough that someone is going to walk in on me and Felipe in our tryst. I'm not even such a modest person, can you imagine if I cared if anyone saw my boobs?

As for the two of them, they are just little clams at daycare. Well, at least C is. This morning when I dropped them off, she started smiling as soon as we wheeled in the door (you know I need the stroller to get them from the car to the classroom. They are heavy in those things!). Z on the other hand, had a sour pus the whole ride in and wouldn't look at me when I was leaving. Could she possibly understand that I'm leaving? I find it hard to believe, but I guess they are almost 6 months now and it's possible...

Other milestones in babyland: sleeping through the night, or a close approximation thereof!

We've been doing our nightly bath-boob-bed routine for a few months now and in the last two weeks or so, both girls have been going to sleep as soon as we put them down (somewhere in the neighborhood of 8-9pm) and sleeping almost all the way through to 5 or 6am. This sounds really cool. In reality, it is less so, the reason being that C may wake up looking for her pacifier around 2:30am and go right back to sleep once you give it to her and Z may do the same around 4. However, this means that you, the adult with the height and mobility to get to the crib and find the errant nimmie, have been upright twice since going to bed. Now, H is on night patrol, but somehow, now that he doesn't have to give them bottles, he has gone completely deaf. Completely! Which means I wake up and punch him until he gets up, out of bed, walks around hte bed, finds the crib (cause it's small and we have such a huge bedroom... HA!), locates the crying baby and shoves the right pacifier in her mouth, I might as well get up and do it myself.

But it's the principle really, so I usually just shove him repeatedly. Plus, when the babies cry, Petey runs in the room and jumps on me so I can't get up. I'd like to say I'm making that up as an excuse, but, he's a wierdo, and it's true.

Oh, and one more baby update. They are seriously into bananas. Not ones that I've smashed up, but the organic ones that gerber puts in those nice plastic, non-recyclable containers. sheesh. Apparently whatever gerber does to make them delish, it also makes babies poop. all. the. time. I changed three rounds of poopy diapers. in a row. yesterday. ugh. this from babies who previously pooped once a week. so much poop. in technicolor. ugh times two.

that's what I should re-name my blog. ugh! times two...

Big Girl Food!!!

We started cereal this week. well, I don't know that any cereal was ingested, but it made a lovely fashion accessory. Chloe seems to be getting the hang of it. Zoe cries when she sees the spoon... We'll work it out I'm sure. I'm not stressing about it, I know they are getting enough nutrition from the nursing. I just thought it might be good for them to start to understand the ways of the utensil. C tends to be more interested in food in general. If I'm eating, she follows where the food goes i.e. plate to mouth. Z doesn't seem to care. Here's some pics of our foray into foods:

Still on Vacation...

I totally appreciate the free feeding advice ;) I feel like they need to wait a little bit longer and be able to sit better. They can sit up in the high chair, sort of, but they do still have the tongue thrust thing. I just didn't want to starve them. I think I'll wait until they are up to 8oz on the night bottles since it's the only way I can really gauge how much they are eating. Chloe will just have to continue begging for table scraps.

I will have some super cute pictures to post when I get back home next week. We are going to a wedding tomorrow and the girlies have the cutest dresses to wear. Including hosiery and matching shoes. I know you all can't wait to see that!

Happy Halloweenie!!!

C as Thing 1 and Z as Thing 2.

We are enjoying our vacation to virginia beach. It's a little cold, but we took walk on the beach today with the babies in carriers. They seemed to enjoy themselves, well, C slept in the sling, but Z took in the waves and sand and then fell asleep.

They are up to almost 7 oz on their middle of the night bottle. and today while we were out to lunch, C was watching me eat hushpuppies and licking her lips... could they be ready to start rice cereal?

If anyone has advise or suggested reading materials to start the twins on food or if it seems waaay too early for food.... i'm all ears

food fights

I've been meaning to write something about this for a while, and I realized that I don't have the time or the mental energy to make it as coherent as it should be so i'll just give you what falls out of my head re: feeding starving little monsters.

I always intended to breast feed. When I found out I was having twins, it didn't even occur to me that it might be more difficult. I figured I have two babies, I have two boobs, seems even to me. And all the books and pamphlets they give you tell you it's the most natural healthy blah blah blah thing. I just figured it would be easy. A baby would cry, I would whip out a boob and all would be right with the world.

Then the girls showed up 6 weeks early with teeny tiny mouths and no suck reflex. They were on tube feedings for the first few days. The first time I tried to nurse in the NICU, Susan was there and I'm pretty sure I traumatized her. My boobs were enormous and the babies' mouths were miniature. They couldn't latch and they couldn't swallow. Not that it mattered, nothing came out anyway.

I rented the hospital grade pump and pumped religiously every 2 hours to make milk come in. I have a log book that I track all the feedings and diapers in and the first few weeks would make anyone cry. I was nursing each baby for however long they would stay on. Then we would supplement them with bottles of mostly breast milk (but sometimes with formula if I couldn't manage to pump enough) and then I would pump for another 15 minutes or so.

All I did was feed babies. Then they hit a few growth spurts. I was nursing them upwards of 10 times a day. each. and everytime I had to feed one, I had to find and clean a nipple shield since this was the only way they would latch on. They would also use the nipple shield (with me in it) as a chew toy.

I cried all the time. I felt totally useless and like I was doing something horribly wrong. I had consults with the lactation lady who tried to convince me that the girls had neurologic difficulties that were keeping them from effectively eating.

Around 6 weeks I decided that this was ridiculous and they were going to have to learn how to eat from boobs free from shields and without getting bottle supplements. Within a week they were nursing like babies. H gave them bottles in the middle of the night and I stopped waking up at that overnight feeding to pump. I would just wait until the morning.

They've gained 7lbs a piece since birth and they are down to 6 feedings a day with two long stretches at night. I still fight with them on a daily basis, especially C, to get them latched on and comfy to eat well and it still hurts when they decide they'd rather use me as a chew toy or pretend I am a giant bendy straw.

My point in posting all of this is not to say "poor me, my life is so bad" or to complain about how much more work it is with twins blah blah blah.. It's to point out that it's not easy. We're here at 4 months and we still don't look like the picture on a glossy brochure, but we are making it work, mostly through determination and stubborness (on all our parts). I wish I would have known that it would be this hard. I would still have worked just as hard to get it together, but I might have felt like less of a failure.

Now we just have the guilt of sending them to daycare twice a week to get over. I'm starting part-time work in November and I'm riddled with guilt over being the worst mother ever because they have to go to daycare twice a week for 6 or 7 hours. please someone slap me. I know how stupid I sound. But really, how could you leave these two?

Petey is jealous, so here's a shot of him too. On my new kitchen rug. which he has claimed for his own. even during bathtime. so helpful...

shots

well, the shots went well. the day of the doctor's appt, we drugged the girls up with baby tylenol an hour or so before and they took the shots like champs. Just like last time, they howled when the needles went in and went to sleep as soon as H and I picked them up. Then they slept the rest of the day.

so sounds good right? sure. that day was cake. The next two days were crab-tastic. Zoe may or may not have had a low grade fever on friday (the jury's still out on whether or not she was just sweaty) and both girls were figdety and cranky.

Today was H and my anniversary. 1 whole year. We went out to brunch at the place we had the wedding and marveled at the difference a year makes. Then we came home and hung out with the girlies for a while and managed to take a nap. All four of us. Managed to sleep at the same time. during the day. which never never ever ever happens. it rocked.

After getting the girls into bed H and I sat on the floor in the living room having wine and cheese and our slices of wedding cake, which were just as stale as last year. You see, our wedding cake never made it to the reception. There were many reasons given, but I'm pretty sure it just didn't get finished in time. Anyway, long story short, we wound up with "stunt cake". The cake we cut and fed each other was scapped up from a local bakery window a half hour or so before the reception. How long it was sitting in the window, no one knows. It pretty much tasted like cardboard.

After the wedding my brother was in charge of getting all the stuff back to our house since H and I went straight on our honeymoon. In his infinite wisdom, he took the entire three layers of stunt cake and put it straight into my deep freeze. Not in a box. Just cake on a shelf. Where it sat until about 2 weeks ago when H and I decided we needed the space in the deep freeze for food. So he cut two slices and put it in a container. We tried it again tonight. just for fun. it still sucked. but we had a fun time looking at the pictures from the wedding and laughing about how bad the cake was.

Next year we are thinking of going away overnight. wouldn't that be fabulous? perhaps we'll leave the munchkins with grandma. won't she be thrilled :)

Today is also the girls 4 month birthday. I meant to take a picture of them to post up, but the nap interceded and it was good. totally worth it. I'll take the pic tomorrow.

Now I have to go off and pump for the 2am feeding. then it's bed time for me. sorry for the extremely boring post, I lack creativity these days.

I really should be sleeping...

Due to overwhelming demands... here are some new pics:

here are the girls sporting their snazzy cloth diapers. You can see what chubbs they are now. We are headed to the doctor tomorrow for our 4 month shots (yikes) and I had them weighed by the county health nurse two weeks ago and they were both 10lbs 7oz! What fatties! Hard to remember them 6lbs smaller.... but here's a shot:

This is from when they first came home. Same positions too; Z on the left C on the right.

Amazing what three months can do. If I get a chance tomorrow I'll post up the stats from our doctors visit and let you all know the horrors of immunization.

just some pics

here are some pics of the girly girls:


In the top shot Z is on the left and in the bottom, it's C.

Here's a quick list of things they have been up to in the last few days/weeks:

smiling
laughing
blowing bubbles (more Z than C)
grabbing blankets, shirts, necklaces
and.....
sleeping!!!!

while they aren't exactly sleeping through the night, per se, they are going 4 or 5 hours in between feedings. So last night they ate at 12:45 and then again around 6am. This is "through the night" as far as I'm concerned. H gets up at 6 anyway to go to work and I usually get up then as well to get some stuff done around the house while they catch a few more hours of sleep.

All that night time sleeping makes for crappy daytime naps, but who cares?! as long as I can sleep a few hours at night, I'll play the "hold-me-rock-me-stick-my-nimmie-back-in-while-I-slap-my-sister" game all day. well, at least until H comes home. then they're his problem :)

one pic to hold you over

here's zoe laughing:

grumble grumble

just used all of morning naptime writing up post in pics of our day yesterday. damn pics won't post. something about needing a photo hosting site. so i uploaded the pics to flickr. but i am not smart and babies are waking up and I don't really know how to link everything. grrrrrrrr

will eventually figure it out. now it's time to get on the hamster wheel of feed the baby burp the baby change the baby rinse repeat.

Naptime...

would be awesome...

anyone got a suggestion on how to make twins nap in their crib? should I even care about this? Or should I be greatful they even sleep? C is in a bouncy seat in the living room. Z is in the crib periodically squeeking. I am stuffing turkey sandwhich and checking email.

I am also working on a photo essay entitled: "This is Our Day" Unfortunately I don't know how to work the timer on the camera, so there's no shot of me trying to wrestle both of them on for tandem nursing... but you can use your imagination on that one.

also, when does the breastfeeding get to be fun and bonding and less like wrestling tiny strong midgets? and also, ouch.

still standing

sort of.

the girls are doing great... I am starting to feel like a person again. but just barely.

Mostly because we've gotten them to sleep 4 hours at a time at night. They are only waking up once for a 2am-ish feeding and then again around 6 when H gets up anyway, so life is not so bad. But it's hard to get used to going to bed at 10pm while your husband does the dishes and preps up the bottles.

I feel pretty guilty, but I gotta tell you, by 9pm I'm shot. These girls keep me going most of the day and we live in a small ass house that gets out of control very quickly. I know everyone says let your house work go and trust me I haven't touched a vaccum in months, but just straightening up after two babies (who don't even move on their own) is exhausting.

I also have some myths I'd like to de-bunk here, but I feel like they are posts that are still brewing and no one likes a half baked rant, so I'll sit on it for longer.

On fun baby development front, both C and Z are starting to really respond to people and to objects now. They smile and stick their tongues out at you. And they are entranced by the mobile and shriek when it ends. this morning I read a bunch of board books to them (Sandra Boynton and Dr. Suess) and they were fascinated. This is probably due entirely to how ridiculously I read them, but what the hell, they thought it was absurdly funny.

Right now they are napping in bouncy seats while I pay bills and check email. The amount of gas they have has not decreased, but farting seems to cause less screaming so that's a bonus... I take what I can get here.

Here's a shot from a 2am feeding. Don't we look like we're having fun?

big shots for big girls

well, the shots went surprisingly well yesterday. Both girls screamed for the minute they got the shots and then promptly went to sleep on H's shoulder and stayed asleep until the tylenol wore off. at which point I nursed both and drugged them right back up with more tylenol.

Today brother Fi is here and they've been angelic. sleeping in between all feedings and going for a good 3 1/2 - 4 hours in between. Heaven. Now if they would only keep that up... I have a feeling it's short lived and due mostly to them being tired from the vaccinations.

It's 11pm and I am headed to bed. H and Brother Fi are watching tv and babies. I think I will shut the booby bar for the night and let them have their bottle feeds overnight. maybe I will get some sleep... highly doubtful.

tomorrow is my birthday party. I will be 30 on Monday. Oy. I will officially be in my 30's with two kids. double oy.

A Scream A Minute

we are the house of farts these days. and for the first time ever, I'm the least gassy. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't scream all day and night. oh and did i mention the hiccups? So much fun

I bought mylicon (which gets spit back at me 90% of the time) and gripe water, but neither seems to be doing all that much. I'm exhausted, and I think H may just stay on the train one night and see where it takes him.

Tomorrow we are headed to the pediatrician for our 2 month shots. That should make my day so much more fun. The doctor suggested tylenol before the appointment. He's under the impression it will make them sleep. Ha! fat chance! I'll let you know how it goes. I have much fear and trepidation.

argh

anyone have any bright ideas on how to deal with two babies who don't like to nap? I don't know where they get this from, I personally love to nap. I'll do it anywhere. not these two. Right now I have two seconds while C sleeps in the sling and Z makes eeking noises in the crib. I just stuffed 1/4 of a bbq chicken into my face, cold, using my hands as it's 4pm and all I've eaten today is a bowl of cereal.

help!

oh and if you really want a fun story, ask susan about tailgaiting at the police concert last night with me and felipe the breast pump. Nothing says "good times" like a woman pumping breast milk in a parking lot, except for maybe a woman pumping breast milk riding down the palisades parkway at 70 mph. Hot stuff I'm telling you.

feeding frenzy

no time to blog. must feed babies. babies eat every two hours. there are two of them. must feed babies. boobs may never speak to me again. when will babies stop eating every two hours? must feed babies.

so cute, so tired

sorry for the lack of posting, but you can blame it on the lack of sleep. H was home with me for the first month, but he went back to work this wednesday and my mom's been here to help me out. but i'm still exhausted. Mostly I wanted to thank everyone for all the emails phone calls and gifts. I will get around to answering everyone. maybe. by 2025.

let's see, quick updates while H is on baby patrol and I am supposed to have 5 free minutes to check my email and fend off the cat. (Petey hates typing)

• Babies are each over 6lbs


• Breast feeding going well (obviously based on weight gain) with shields... most of the time... we are still battling some latch issues which I hope will get better as they get bigger.


• They are eating every 3 hours or so. On roughly the same schedule with a few extra feedings here and there as they request. And by request, I mean shriek loudly.


• Petey is now a guard cat. whenever I put a baby down, he sits nearby and stares at her until I put the other one next to her or pick her up. When I am nursing them, he sits in the nearest window to keep out intruders. it's pretty funny.


• I've taken a shower almost everyday this week.


• My c-section incision has just about healed but I am still not quite up to my old freakish strength. We won't discuss my bathroom issues... it's not pretty. This is what happens when you get 90% of the way through a vaginal delivery and the babies change their minds. I wish the little darlings would have told me how wedged in there they really were. I could have been saved a lot of heartache... not to mention my ass

So that's about all I can think of to mention. I bought a baby sling (commence laughing crazy diana) to try and deal with C's intense need for being held. all. the. time. even while sleeping. I don't have the vaguest idea how to use it even though I've watched the instructional video twice and once with H. I put her in it, but i just think she looks all mashed up. The end of the video suggests going to a la leche league meeting for help. this may have to happen soon as i think I'm too sleep deprived to understand even video instructions.

anyway, here's a pic of unbearable cuteness from their one month birthday:

Try to handle all that cuteness. By the way, these little froggy sleepers have already been outgrown.

just a quick update

don't have a lot of time or brain cells these days, but here's what's note-worthy:

had weight check yesterday by visiting nurse -- chloe 5lb 4oz and zoe 5lb even. both girls are now 19 inches long and chloe's head circum is up 2cm and zoe's up 1cm. I credit these minor differences to the fact that chloe had just eaten and zoe's poor head was ginormous at birth due to huge bruise from suction (more on that later)

cloth diapering is actually going really well. we had some wicked diaper rash for a few days, which may or may not have been a result of my taking antibiotics for the world's worst UTI. I will not feel guilty if this is the case as drugs were necessary. At least I've quit the percoset (under duress :)

breast feeding is going... well, it's going. we are fully on breast milk. all feedings but two are directly nursing and the two overnight feedings are pumped breast milk supplemented with formula to boost the calories as per NICU recommendations. Apparently we should keep this up until 6mo. That's actually ok with me as I get a little break at night. H gets up and does the changing and bottle feeds and I just have to function long enough to turn the pump on. glamorous, I know

as far as the actual nursing goes, well, it ain't a comercial for the ease of breast feeding, I can tell you that. The babies have small mouths and well, we've all read about my monstrous mamaries, so there's some issues there. The lactation ladies in the hospital gave me nipple shields which seem to help as it gives them something manageable to latch onto. However, it gives them some wicked gas. At least I'm blaming the gas on the use of silicone shields and not on genetics. you be your own judge of that. I'd like to get them off the shields and we've been practicing without them a little. It's getting mixed reactions. Zoe is game and will give au natural a shot. Chloe just looks at me like, "really? you want me to put all of this in my mouth? have you gone mad, woman?!"

House is fully sided with new gutters and windows. they are coming back next week to install gutter guards and shutters. It looks like a new house. ok, not new, but like an old house that's less crappy :)

petey has stopped biting out his fur and is back on eating regular old meow mix at nights and staring at babies with curiosity and some moderate disdain. right now, I have the front windows open (for the first time ever!!!) and he is in heaven.

Petey is going to be pissed, though when I close the windows in a few as we are going to take the babies on a little walk around the block for some fresh air. Not sure if this is sanctioned, but the air outside has got to beat the old ass air in here. I mean, some of the air in here may be over a century old. spew.

so that's the news that's fit to print. no picures today as I'm too tired to seek out the cord for the camera and upload any. tough noogies for you. oh, and I'll take any suggestions on the breast feeding conundrum. how bad should I feel about the shields and how anxious should I be to get past them? I kind of feel like, if it's working for now... thoughts?

HOME AGAIN HOME AGAIN

we are all finally home. chloe joined us in our tiny house on wednesday just in time for fireworks, torrential rains, and seven thousand workmen installing siding and gutters.

We should be thankful to the NICU that these two sleep through anything.

now if i could just get some sleep...

Unbelieveable Cuteness

I promise to write up all the gory details of how Chloe and Zoe made their arrival about 3 weeks ahead of time, but I just haven't processed it all yet.

Both girls are doing really well. They are still up at the hospital hanging out in the NICU gaining some weight and charming the nurses. Hopefully they will come home this week!

In unrelated news, here's what H and I accomplished last week in between schlepping tothe NICU at all hours:

• new car
• new windows in the house
• new siding on the house (happening today)
• 1 million more loads of baby clothes in premie sizes
• 2 million pictures of the two cutest babies on planet earth

I made H go to work today since the girls have top quality baby sitters for the next few days and I can finally go to the bathroom on my own (I told you it was a gruesome delivery). He already used a week of leave watching me pee and driving me to the NICU at midnight because I can't sleep if I don't tuck them in. Oh, and the crying. sometimes rational, sometimes not. can't tell the difference.

But, like I said, it was worth it. I still can't believe they are mine.

It was worth it...

Zoe Mae and Chloe Jane

4 lb 12oz and 4 lb 8oz

June 21, 2007

swollen & self-loathing

sorry for the long absence. What can I say? I am a crappy blogger. And also, my internet connection was a little spotty. And I'm feeling sorry for myself. So it's a trifecta of discontent here at Chez Platypus.

Where should I start...I had my u/s last monday and the babies are pretty freakin' big. Baby B (on the right who likes to kick me in the liver) was a little over 4lb . Baby A (on the left who head butts me in the bladder) was harder to get a read on. She was coming up 3lb 9oz. Now, that's not such an accurate measurement as it was almost impossible to get a head circumference. Why is that? Well, perhaps it is because her head is jammed as close to my cervix as is possible. With baby B trying to head butt her out of the way. So if I had to make a guess, I'd say they are both around the 4lb mark.

That gives me 8lbs of baby ramming their little baby skulls into me in some weird race to be first. this does not bode well for my future...

It also doesn't bode well for me feet. sadly my feet are worse. "no", you say, "it cannot be?! They have already defied the logical limits of foot swelling". Well, they hadn't and now they are worse. If I didn't tell you they were feet and they weren't positioned at the ends of my tree stump like legs, you would be hard pressed to identify that anatomical part.

So U/S Monday night and by Tuesday morning I was begging to be seen in the office again to show my feet and plead my case for foot amputation. I had gained 14 lbs since my visit the week before. Let's see that figure again. 14lbs. That's a lot of water folks. But fear not, my OB had some wonderful advice:

Stay off them.

Like I'm here running on the treadmill and doing jumping jacks.

So now I have been confined mostly to bed. Which gets me to the self-loathing portion of today's post. WHY ME??? I'm not good at laying around doing nothing. And my bedroom is small and boring. I have a TV, but TV is boring I can't really watch more than an hour at a time when I'm not all cranky and swollen and being licked by the cat because he knows I don't feel well, but doesn't understand that licking my feet does not make them feel better. Even the internet is boring. I've read every magazine, took parenting and breast-feeding books out of the library and watched almost every movie I can stand.

I guess the good news is that my blood pressure and everything else is normal. I had an NST yesterday. That's a fun little test. I lay down in a recliner and they strap two heart rate monitors for the babies and a third to measure contractions. I am old hat at this. This is what we do on our trial runs to the hospital. But now there's an extra component. I have to push a button every time someone moves. Do you have any idea how many times I pushed the damn button in 45 minutes? I asked the nurse if I could perhaps push the button when I DON'T feel movement. She thinks I'm a loon. They will definitely never hire me to do their genetic counseling.

In an effort to gear up in case the little doll-babies decide to show up early, H spent the whole weekend working like a maniac to set stuff up. He is a saint, seriously. Here's what he accomplised in two days:

• went to babies r us WITH MY MOM and finished off the necessities from the registry
• went car shopping WITH MY MOM
• mowed the lawn and weed whacked the forest growing along the fence in the driveway
• did two loads of baby clothes and two loads of our laundry
• put all of these clothes away
• washed and hung two more loads of baby blankets and our quilt on the line because I didn't want them to go through the drier
• organized baby gear and put it away in either our bedroom, the nursery or the basement, frequently involving 2 flights of stairs with large plastic toys, mattresses etc.
• cooked all of our meals
• ate them in bed with me so I wouldn't be lonely
• did one million loads of dishes
• went to the grocery store and ran other errands including renting me extra movies to supplement my netflix
• and woke up with me every time I started crying that my feet hurt. he would get up, get me cold washcloths to put on them and then put lotion on my poor stretched skin to keep it from stinging and burning. seriously any man who would touch those feet is a prince. or mentally insane. jury's out on that one.

I think that by yesterday he was so happy it was Monday just to get away from me and my whining and list making. Last night he cajoled the financial planner in his office into coming up to the house (from manhattan where this guy lives and works) so that we could talk about life insurance for the two of us and get started on making up wills to have in place before the babies come.

H is awesome.

That's pretty much the news that's fit to print. If anyone wants to see me, they can pull a chair up in the bedroom and marvel at my girth. Otherwise, I'll be here. Gestating. and swelling. At least I have a/c. and my very own H.

Because, H is awesome.

oh, and today he's designing the thank you cards for the shower. so I can write them tomorrow and people will stop complaining about what an ungrateful wretch I am.

Yes, H is totally awesome

A Meme for Monday

Here's a meme i stole from stacie at the twinkies... I am low on creativity, but high on fluid, so enjoy...

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Probably coming home from crazy chorus tour to taiwan and getting ready for reunion. Which means I was drunk. or hungover. or both...




Five Snacks You Love:
cookies, banana with peanut butter and raisins, hummus and pita, chips and salsa, chocolate in all forms.


Five Songs That You Know All The Lyrics
well, that would be great if I knew the names to any of the songs I know the lyrics to. But I probably know at least some lyrics to every song. how's that? even some in weird languages you've never heard of about fat boys munching cheese...


Five Things You Would Do If You Were a Millionaire
Nothing. I would do nothing. I would pay people to do it for me. I wouldn't even wipe my own ass. (although these days, hiring someone for that may be worth the dough...)



Five Things You Like To Do
read, swim, knit, scrapbook and um, sit still.


Five Things You Would Never Wear Again
At the present moment I'm afraid that'll be most of my wardrobe.


Five Favorite Toys
mostly my palm tungsten fancy shmancy color screen fabulocity. I can't go anywhere without the palm. If your info/event is not in the palm, it doesn't exist. Plus I can make lists. we all know I love lists.

Yeah, so I can't even follow the directions and fill out five things for each one. oy. the fluid must be going to my brain. But feel free to tag yourself if you so desire. I can't possible play tag. I can barely wipe my own ass people.

I have a sono tonight. any guesses on how fat the duo is now?

Foot Update 2007

Thanks for the foot pics ladies :) I am pretty sure I've got you both beat though. I am planning on begging the OB for an intervention this week as I'm only 33 weeks and I don't think I'll make it another month or so if I can't get some of the swelling down. I'll keep you posted.

Today I am at my mom's and headed over to a friend's baby shower. I just spent the last half hour or so sitting in her recliner with icepacks on my ankles and now I am slugging back a quart or so of water. It's not pretty.

On an unrelated and somewhat normal note, I went to the movies at the actual movie theater last night. I had to sit in the handicap aisle so I could stretch my feet out, but I made it through the end of the movie and even through most of dinner afterwards. We went to see Knocked Up. Now, I'm sure it was funnier given my current status, but I highly recommend it for a good laugh.

Although, I'm pretty sure all that sitting in the theater and restaurant are directly related to the 3am crying that my feet induced. Poor H. He may never sleep again.

Yes, boys and girls, those are my actual feet. I know you are jealous and wish that you too could have Miss Piggy feet. Actually, even my toes are swollen. They look a lot like vienna sausages.

The funny thing about it is that they don't hurt until I try to stand on them. Today I can't do much. I managed to watch two movies and balance my checkbook. Oh and eat. I can't stop eating... I can only hope it's going all to the babies.

I'm feeling kind of guilty about all my complaining. I sort of wish I was enjoying this more. I mean, I'm actually really excited about having the twins and meeting them and seeing if their personalities match up with how they are now. I can tell that one is way more active than the other and they like different books and songs. I really wish I could get a decent video of my belly jumping around, but it seems like whenever I call someone's attention to it, they stop. That also figures.

Thanks to everyone for the fear inducing comments that my feet will get larger and the itching isn't going away. Yeah, thanks a lot... I guess I'm just starting to get nervous about feeding and changing and cleaning up after two babies at once. Especially if my feet are enormous and if I have to have a c-section. And we all know how I deal with lack of sleep. It's not going to be pretty.

But how bad could it be? I mean, I took orgo, biochem and genetics with hideous fly-lab in the same semester. That was truly horrific. Yes, I know I had a nervous breakdown, but I'm not entirely sure that was from the workload. It may have been from the drinking. Which may have been caused by the workload. Or it may have been caused by my tragic love life... I'm going to go with blaming it on a certain boy and the cheapness of beer in Ithaca. right? that sounds right to me...

Now I am off to request some books from the library. I've gotten some suggestions about books for breastfeeding and just generally dealing with two babies at once. Hopefully I can check them out for free first, plus the library is only around the corner so I can walk there.

that is if I can find shoes to fit on my feet. I have retired my flip flops to petey. Why fight the inevitable?

Dromedary V. Pachyderm

Apparently, Petey wears flip flops. this is the only explanation I can come up with for the mysterious disappearance of one of my flip flops. the other he has dragged under the crib where I cannot possibly reach it. He truly enjoys sharpening his little claws on the soft, oh so comfy, and totally non-enviro-friendly, foam rubber that constitutes my most favorite and coveted reef flippys that jen the riddler and I bought in our carefree days when we could just up and fly to Miami for a long weekend, because, what the hell, we had extra vacation time... Aaaah the good ol' days...

Sunday we had a lovely baby shower. here's a shot of me (and twins) with their gifts. They had a rockin' good time and ate three pieces of icecream cake.

Photo of icecream cake not included as I ate it all

we had a doctor's appt yesterday where I pleaded again for mercy for my poor swollen self. Apparently the swelling is now made it's way from my piggy toes to my hands. I wake up in the morning and cannot even make a fist with which to punch H for doing this to me in the first place. So unfair!

The doc told me to suck it up. well, she was kinder than that, but it was the gist. I also asked her (Ed. note: Reader discretion advised. you are about to find out way more than you ever wanted to know about my nether parts. Or maybe you did want to know. According to tuckiliscious there's an internet market for everything) what's the deal with the itching. I am itching. all night long. and we aren't talking belly scratching here people (although that itches too). Apparently I'm retaining water there too which is causing some very delicate skin to stretch. Great. Any day now my transformation to the elephant woman will be complete.

Now, I did not just post that to gross you out. (That was the purpose of the butt cyst post... i'm working on pics for you kathryn, but do you have any idea how hard it is to photograph your own ass?) I'm actually curious to see if anyone has either had this problem or heard an urban legend about the woman who had to move to the sewers for the remainder of her pregnancy, lest her husband kill her for keeping him up all night with the scratching and swearing.

anyone? anyone? bueller?

right, so I'm also taking commentary on cloth diapers. I got my order from the diaper service and now I am just waiting for the twinlets to arrive and start pooping in them. I ordered premie sized from the service, but they said I can call and switch them out for newborn size should the little monsters decide to hang out until they weigh more than 6lbs a piece. Any advice on cloth diapering twinfants?

oh, and if anyone feels the need to comment on my long run on sentences, I say, Fie! to you. You try lugging around two bowling ball sized babies and not sleeping while a cat plays hide the twistie tie in the blankets and see how fan-fucking-tastic your grammar is.

Fear not my faithful readers, we did not actually have to go to the hospital yesterday. I toughed it out with about 12 hours of irregular (and annoying) braxton-hicks type fun. The contractions abated, for the most part, around 6pm last night and today I feel a lot better.

Not that I've done anything. I was planning on sleeping in this morning, but Petey had his own daily to-do list that involved playing with an errant twistie tie on the bed using my legs as hidey spots to pounce on said twistie. While H was in the shower. Then he decided he must must must jump repeatedly into the crib which he have put together next to the bed. This could have partially been my fault as the third time I tossed his twistie tie off the bed, I may or may not have thrown it in the crib. my eyes were closed. I cannot be responsible.

But now that he knows he can get in the crib this is a thing of joy and much planning. currently he is not speaking to me in retaliation for the yelling and kitten-tossing that crib jumping incurs.

Right, so back to what I have accomplished. Well, I've managed to not get dressed for the past two days. Yup, it's 2:30pm and I am in my nightgown typing this bad boy from bed. I read the paper and 2 million blogs. and took a nap.

what's left on my to-do list? make a grocery list and sort through coupons. take a shower. get my nails done.

what a life of leisure I lead, I'm sure you're thinking. I also find it funny that I'm clipping coupons and paying someone to paint my nails. the sad truth is that I haven't had a pedicure since my wedding and I can no longer reach my feet to even take off the hideous polish that's there, let alone clip my talon-like toenails. It's becoming absurd.

So that's about it for Friday. I did however, read a hilarious post on Crazy Aunt Purl's about her enormous purse woes. For kicks I got off the bed and got my ginormous bag (courtesy of f.fanny) and will now list it's contents. Feel free to comment back with your own wacky purse (or in Brother Fi's case, man-purse) antics.

In my bag:

• big red wallet
• palm pilot
• cell phone
• wireless earbud
• 3 napkins from different fast food establishments
• reciept for panera lunch
• driver's license (floating freely. don't ask, I don't know why)
• reciept from AC Moore
• Burt's Bees lipstick
• prescription sunglasses in large orange case
• 7 Splenda packets
• blue pen
• packet of facial blotting tissue
• black makeup bag (contents of which strangely do not include makeup. But does have:
• protein bar
• blister bandaid
• inhaler
• 2 different lip glosses
• 2 chapsticks
• 2 lollipops
• 4 crayons from TGI Fridays
• pill case of assorted drugs (tylenol, allergy pills, aciphex, zantac, and what i think are 2 xanax)
• 3 sugar packets
• 3 more splenda packets
• 4 bandaids
• purple pen
• mechanica pencil
• roll of tums
• mini tape measure
• swiss army knife
• hair band
• trial size hand lotion

Well, I gotta tell ya, I'm a little embarrassed and no, I will not tell you what's in my wallet. that's a whole other list of insanity. Please let someone be as crazy as me... I know for a fact that f.fanny carries her dog in a purse. that's got to be worse. right?

Careful Observation

The time stamp on this post is 5:43am. I've been up for a little over an hour. I really don't do either side of 5am all that well, but I'm getting tired of watching the sun rise.

Here's the disclaimer on this post. It'll most likely be graphic and somewhat grouchy. it's 5am and I'm tired of "watching" things.

#1. Watching my feet and ankles swell and deflate. Tired of that. Also tired of none of my shoes fitting and feeling a bit cliched as I shuffle, (not walk... can't actually walk) barefoot, around my house with what feels like water filled socks on.

#2. Watching the clock to count my contractions and try to discern what is an actual contraction vs. baby movement vs. just plain old uterine grouchiness. Basically the entire area of my torso is a battlefield right now.

I feel this bizarre need to quantify both of these rather irritating phenomenon. Perhaps it's a way of distancing myself from the atrocity of becoming a fluid filled sack of muscle spasms. I had a very similar (and equally disturbing to onlookers) reaction to my two most painful quasi-surgical experiences. And since it's still not 6am, I am going to subject you to both of them.

#1. After a lovely church led outing to a local "action" filled amusement "park", I sustained 2nd and 3rd degree abrasion burns to my right leg, left arm and face as well as two torn ligaments in my right ankle. I was 13. They poured liquid bandaid on the burns without cleaning them and sent me home with the advice of "take a bath" when I got there. The next morning, my mother took me to the doctor where they poured hydrogen peroxide on the wounds and used a surgical scrub brush to clear out the gravel and debris. I watched the whole thing and repeatedly pointed out spots that they had missed and should go back over with bubbly foamy peroxide and a plastic scrub brush. The nurses were a little afraid of me.

#2. In college I drove the world's coolest and possibly filthiest Ford Thunderbird, affectionately known as BOB, the luxury vehicle (as he had power window AND door locks). The excessive amount of driving that I did in this car I'm sure led to a very large and very grotesque Pilonidal Cyst. Check that link out. Isn't that disgusting? By the time I got around to having it checked out (the first time) it was roughly the size of a grapefruit. Again in the doctor's office, I had that bad boy lanced while I bit on a washcloth. No, I'm not kidding and no, this did not take place in the old west. They packed the wound with gauze and sent me home to soak in an epsom salt bath and remove the packing. My mom came in the bathroom with me to help get the gauze out of my ass. She was trying to do it slowly so that it would hurt less. I grabbed the side of the tub with one hand and the gauze strip with the other. That bathtub still has fingerprints in the porcelain.

When it happened again a few months later, I went to the emergency room, laid down on a gurney and had an intern stick a needle roughly the gauge of a bendy straw into the same spot to drain off more fluid. This time I had no washcloth. I do, however, have a lovely scar along the base of my spine. In case I'm every horribly disfigured in an accident, but my ass survives the fire.

What's the point? Other than grossing everyone out? I guess it's that I'm not that big a baby. But this shit is killing me. I can't walk. I can't sleep. I can't sit comfortably. I can't even lay down. My feet constantly swell and deflate, but never to the size or shape of actual feet. Plus I have this truly fantastic, low lying pressure as if someone were repeatedly head-butting my cervix. Which kicks off the charming cascade of irregular contractions, trip to hospital, shot of terbutaline, shakes and heart palps, ending nicely in coma.

So if you don't hear from me for a day or two, that's where I am. Either in the hospital or in a coma. don't worry, I already woke up H and asked him to work from home today. He responded by asking me if he needed to put pants on now and then rolled over and turned off the alarm.

Protein Shakes

Protein shake is not a food. It a food supplement. Does anyone else want to call brother Ed and tell him this? I have spent the last few days trying to convince him that he needs to actually consume and chew food if he'd like the lining of his stomach to become one continuous piece again.

Over the weekend he called me up to ask me where your appendix was located as he was convinced he had appendicitis. Turns out he is only consuming protein shakes.

arrrggghhh!!!!

But don't worry, between the protein shakes and the 4 hours a day in the gym, he's really buff. And isn't that what's really important?

No, he's not on a diet. he's just lazy. I'm on the phone with him now and he's making fun of his friend who went on a fruit cleanse fast. How that's different from protein shakes, I'm not sure. I suggested he just go out and buy some ensure, start a competitive shuffleboard league and complete the cycle of life.

By the way, he has a college degree. From a well known university. Does anyone want to give him a job? Perhaps if he had a job he would eat food instead of drinking protein shakes. But probably not.

In unrelated news, it's 11:40 am and I've already eaten a yogurt with peaches and walnuts and a bagel with cream cheese and I'm hungry again.

Brother ed suggested a protein shake.

moneymoneymoneymoneymoney

hooray for me!!! I got my first disability check this week!!! We will not comment on how small it is, but at least we got some money!!!

the reality is that it won't last long. The first check is for the first week in May and since I only get paid out on 13 weeks of disability, I will run out of free money sometime around the second week of August. But at least we won't starve until then!!!

I know my finances are very boring, but I was excited. Plus I got to take a walk to the bank yesterday to deposit my very own check. so that was a double bonus. Money AND a walk to the end of the block.

Wow, life is exciting here.

today I am toying with the idea of going upstairs to tackle some of my scrapbook from Italy. I figure I only went on that trip last june, so I don't have to feel so bad about it sitting around in a paperbag and not in the lovely scrapbook I purchased for it. Plus I can't really justify starting my wedding or honeymoon albums when I still have the worldwind driving tour of the boot to finish up.

I know, hold on to your seats, this ride is really on the edge.

In knitting news, I ripped out the one gigantic pink mitten I had made myself this winter. (don't ask, I clearly have gauge issues) and started on a really simple baby blanket. I am also in the midst of a rather complicated baby blanket on size 3 needles which may cause me to go blind. I think the pattern is a little too hard for me. The color switching is not something I ever learned so I'm sort of making it up as I go along. With not so hot results.

Now back to your regularly scheduled nap.

Last night H asked me when it was time for the next belly shot. I told him the time was two weeks ago and don't worry, I took one myself in the bathroom mirror. Something tells me he doesn't read the blog...

So I see that everyone was too traumatized by my giant belly to comment on my last post. Fie on all of you then!

Things are pretty quiet here on the upstate front. I am low on inspiration so I think I will post up a meme that Lacey sent me via email. I won't tag anyone specifically, but feel free to tag yourself. hows that for lazy?

Things you may not have known about me.......... in convenient 4 bite portions.

4 Jobs I've Had:

1. Music and Drama director at summer camp.
2. Dishwasher in a plant science lab. at night. with enormous roaches.
3. Children's science museum docent. my co-worker was a boa constricter named "Spot". We sat at the front desk together frequently and greeted people.
4. Genetic educator for orthodox rabbis

4 Movies I Could Watch Over and Over

1. Roman Holiday. Something about the non-happy ending that I dig. plus who doesn't love a movie with a vespa?
2. French Kiss. Kevin Kline's french accent and the whole soundtrack amuse me to no end.
3. Titanic. If only to watch to ship and Leo sink. I blame this one on Ithaca's early last call and HBO's insistence on playing the same movie at the same time for a month.
4. Babe The Pig. C'mon, talking barnyard animals and singing mice? Need I say more?

4 Places I've Lived. Actually, I'll give you all of them. I should get some sort of tax break for never moving out of the state:

1. Fishkill
2. Bronxville
3. Long Beach
4. Manhattan
5. Ithaca
6. Carmel

4 TV shows I'm currently addicted to (Thank you DVR... I love you...)

1. LOST. but will they please get on with it?
2. Scrubs. mostly because he reminds me of H. actually he reminds everyone of H.
3. Grey's Anatomy. Even though I hate everyone on this show and frequently have to pause the replay to yell at people.
4. The Tudors. Smutty eye candy. and I only like the episodes with extra sex.

4 Places I've been on vacation:

1. Greece. Mostly the islands
2. Italy. Yes, the whole damn country. by car. including a 4am foray to switzerland. not on purpose. However, after that jaunt, mom has decided switzerland is her next overseas destination. oy.
3. Paris and the Riviera
4. Taiwan. Which wasn't really a vacation so much as a chorus tour/ bizarre psych experiment in college. Crazy Diana almost amputated her left leg to store in the overhead compartment of our double decker tour bus. yeah. you're jealous.

4 of my Favorite Foods: (this'll be fun. what does a pregnant water buffalo eat?)

1. Ice cream
2. Chocolate. in either cookie, brownie or candy bar form. oooh, or in milk. or yogurt or pudding...
3. frozen fruity bars with coconut in them
4. Burritos. but then, they always make the list.

4 Places I'd Rather be RIGHT NOW:

1. Tahiti. but only if I could teleport there. I am not making that flight
2. In a Spa. Anywhere. Having people rub things on me.
3. At any beach. with an umbrella and without other people.
4. 60 pounds thinner, not pregnant, with a frosty bev in my hand...

So there you have it boys and girls. Things you may have known, but wished you hadn't. But now the twinlets are kicking me which probably means they are hungry and I should feed them. I will force down something with protein and nutritional value, but you will all now know that I'm pretending it's a chocolate bunny filled with rum.

My Picks for the Preakness

As promised here are the snappy-shots from last night's ultrasound. H made it to the appointment (just barely) so he can vouch for the truthiness.

Here's a nice profile of Twin B. Well, the nicest we could get. They are less than cooperative at these little photo sessions:

I personally think she looks like she's wearing goggles in this shot, but it was a hard angle to get since she has her face pressed up against the side of my uterus. Delish imagery, I know. Imagine what it feels like...




Twin A didn't feel like smiling for the camera, but we got some lovely photos of the back of her head. This is the one that hangs out primarily on my right side and likes to kick me in the diaphragm causing spontaneous hiccups. You will note, however, the abundance of hair:




And for our final photo in the montage, we have both babies, head to head as close to my cervix as humanly (or fetal-y in this case) possible. Apparently, they are jocking for position on who is going to be first born. It's hard to tell from this picture, but A is winning. By her hair.





So that's what's going on inside the belly. Here's what it looks like from out here:




I know what you are going to say. "oh, that's not so bad. it's almost cute" I would like you to take a good look at my belly button.


Now I'd like you to scroll down to a shot of me on my honeymoon... 6 1/2 months ago.










Yeah, that's what I thought. Anyone feel like gouging their eyes out a la Oedipus? Petey offers to help

Happy Mother's Day

You know what's awesome? Going to the store on Mother's Day with a big giant belly and even though it's Sunday morning and the place is mobbed. Everyone smiles at you and jumps to get out of your way.

You know what's less awesome? Spending 4 hours in the triage unit at Vassar on a lovely Saturday afternoon because your uterus is feeling irritable and doesn't care that you have things to return at kohls or that your lawn looks like the australian outback.

Don't worry, everyone is fine. The irritable uterus got a smack down of terbutaline and H mowed the lawn while I passed out from said smack down. but at least I finally got some sleep.

The funny part is that I may or may not have had a follow up appt with the OB today, but I was so fogged from the drugs when she discharged me that I can't remember. Oh, well. I feel ok, so I'm not going. Besides I have my regular appt on Thursday after my monthly u/s.

So, get excited for Friday people. I have an u/s on thursday and a new computer and scanner in my very own house so H doesn't have to be in charge of uploading photos. Won't he be thrilled :)

I have only one clear picture from last month's scan of baby A, but here she is:

You can check back on Friday for hopefully two good 29 week shots. If you are lucky and I am not hideous, I will perhaps take my own picture in the bathroom mirror to post. However, any comments on the clutter situation in my bathroom will lead to your immediate ejection from the comment board. for life.

on the Petey Parker, Spider Cat, front: The petester is still eating fur like there's no tomorrow and H and I have decided to limit his food to only the hypo-allergenic dry food from the vet. This is not winning us any friends in the feline world.

"Please leave me to wallow in my hatred of you"

What happens to me without caffeine

Wow, I am a sucky blogger. You would think that since I am not working and my only job is to sit around here and gestate, I would find time to post witty and fascinating entries regarding being a uterus with feet. The problem with that is that it's not all that witty or fascinating.

let's take today for example. I managed to haul self out of bed around 11. This was after I was up when H left, ate a bowl of cereal and watched the today show for a while. the today show is like a horrific car wreck for me. It disgusts me and yet, I can't look away. Usually it's boring enough to put me back to sleep. Now that half of America is calling the local preacher to complain about my blaspheming the today show...

Right so, got up at 11. Read the paper on the front porch (don't worry, I got dressed first. But I am wearing a red t-shirt, so I'm pretty sure I look like the Kool-Aid guy) and called brother ed. Had to get off the phone with brother ed as we live on different plains of existance and there's only so much chatting we can do before I want to reach through the phone and slap him. This point was avoided today. Narrowly.

Came back inside and heated up some leftovers for lunch and chatted with mom. Then I piled some papers and the laptop on the bed to take care of some paperwork, check email, read blogs, etc.

It's 6pm.

Yeah, so thrilling. Yesterday: 2 separate 2+ hour naps and was still so tired, H had to bribe me to eat with KFC.

I think I'm due for a belly shot since yesterday marked 28 weeks and also leaves a countdown started until baby d-day. Let's see we have around 63 days left before we hit the big 3-7 and hopefully a lovely, calm, organized, planned c-section for the twinlets.

Last night H and I were talking and I said "Next summer you are going to have to teach them how to swim in the inflatable kiddie pool we'll have in the backyard" I think this stressed him out.

Blame it on H

I was going to post up a more recent belly shot today. Not that it's all that current. I think it's about 3 weeks old. anyway, digressing... I schlepped myself upstairs to the office as the laptop is kaput and plugged in the firelight all ready to upload some gorgeous shot of me and my hippo belly.

There's no picture.

H swears he moved everything onto the firelight for me to play with. He also lies. I finally got him to confess over the phone. He never took them off his laptop.

phooey.

but at least I was right.

In the meantime, here's a shot of Petey instead:


Petey Does the Dew

All Hail the Mighty Carbohydrate

yup, so glucose is my bitch. that's right, you heard me. my bitch. I aced me test and have been cleared of all heinous carb-restricted diets. This morning I had a bowl of cereal and a bagel in celebration.

woohoo. life is exciting around here.

Petey is on a fun diet himself. He has been biting the fur off of his back to give himself a hot new look for spring: The Kitty Mohawk. All the cool cats in town will soon be sporting the bare stripes down the spine in obvious deference to his royal highness of squirrel-menacing and human tormenting.

We took him to the vet since H decided that punk was not petey's best look. It's a serious bummer when even your vet thinks your cat is deranged. He doesn't have fleas. He doesn't have mites. No scabies, no kidney or liver enlargement. Just missing fur. Her suggestions were two-fold

#1 He is neurotic
#2 He has a food allergy

Since we already know #1 to have been true for sometime, we have decided to pursue option 2. I purchased a $32 bag of kitten crunchies and two cans of duck and pea pate. Let me tell you what Petey thinks of pate. Roughly what I think of pate which is BLECH and VOMIT. The stuff smelled so bad that I couldn't go in the kitchen. Seriously, it was foul. H put it in his dish and petey snorted at him.

All of this hair removal began shortly after the great nation of China decided to poison all of our pets in an attempt to take over in a risky terrorist plot. So we had to switch the petester off of his beloved nutro niblets as our store no longer carries any niblets in gravy. Unfortunately, Petey the Destroyer only dines on niblets and if there is not enough gravy, he makes his own by splashing in the water dish. Truly charming and not at all messy or a slip hazard for me who cant' see the floor on a good day.

We had been feeding him a highly nutritious diet of nine lives and friskies. If it's good enough for Morris, it must be good enough for His Holiness. Apparently not.

Being the good (and currently without research opportunities) scientist I was trained to be, I dug out an old tainted pouch of the beloved niblets (in case you are wondering, I saved the pouches he hadn't eaten on the advice of my mother who seems to think there may be a class-action suit I could get in on. this is good since I clearly need some action, class or otherwise) and began comparing ingredients between nutro, nine-lives and friskies

...At this point you should send help. Or a truckload of unfinished macrame as I clearly have too much time on my hands...

It looks like Petey the Neurotic Kitten may be allergic to soy. Who the frig is allergic to soy? Isn't soy what you give people who are allergic to everything else?? Now guess how many cat foods come in niblety form and do not include soy.

One.

Sheba.

It costs $1.39 a can. Petey eats two cans a day. That's $84 a month in cat food. Plus his weight in dry crunchy food.

This week may also be my last paycheck from my most wonderful employer.

But hey, at least I can eat bread. oy.

"Bow before me, my minions!"

At least this time I didn't go before the Academic Integrity Board

Yes, another F on my permanent record. Goddamn! I can't even pass the freakin' sugar test! And much like Evil-ution, I will have to retake the test and it will be much more painful the second time around. However, I can be pretty sure that this time, I won't be forced to attend 8am lectures in Kennedy with the round headed freak sitting behind me and flicking things over my shoulder. Small victories here people, small victories.

Anyway, so I failed the initial glucose screen and my doctor asked me what I had eaten the day previous, just to get a typical day's menu:

2 bowls of cereal
fat free yogurt and banana
2 cups of decaf coffee
microwaved bean and cheese burrito (while I was deciding what to have for lunch)
can of black bean soup with sour cream
blue corn tortilla chips
mini dove chocolate egg
bowl of chili with more sour cream (I dropped the container at lunch time and it cracked, I therefore have to eat the entire container asap)
3 corn muffins (blame that one on H. he ate three and I was not going to be outdone)
baked apple crisp with neopolitan ice cream

The doctor looks at me and says "so, were any vegetables harmed in the making of this diet?"

Ugh!

I may go off the deep end if they put me on a diabetic diet. By the way, for those of you playing the home game, I've gained 50 pounds. No, I'm not kidding. I'd like to think it's all belly, but my tits and ass beg to differ.

Woe is me. woe. woe. woe. I have to go in to Quest at 7am on Monday and drink the lovely orange drink and then sit there as a hostage for 3 hours while they periodically pincushion me to make sure I'm not over sugaring the babies. I also think that I should get dispensation on my blood glucose levels being that there are two babies.

anyone have more excuses I could use for my tonnage?

oh, and many people have queried why crazy diana is crazy, but I can't tell you. See, that's the enigma that is crazy D. Just go with it people. Ride the flotsam.

Is it my fault she's crazy?

at the request of crazy diana, who does not want to sit next to H in hell either, 

this post has been removed.

We apologize for any insanity it may have caused.

You can forward your psychiatric bills to the following address:

H & J
7th Circle of Hell
First Row
Middle Seat

Thank you, that is all

Even my uterus is irritable

We had a fun little trip this week to Vassar Hospital to check out the fancy maternity unit. I also got to ride in a wheelchair from the ER and an excellent shot of muscle relaxant.

Here's the back story:

Tuesday night I had just some vague ick. Nothing specific, I was just more uncomfortable than usual. I didn't really do much during the day, but I did take a few trips up and down the stairs so I figured I was just tired.

I woke up Wednesday morning... well, starting at 2am really and I still had cramping and just a vague, "this is not good feeling". I was up pretty much every hour or so to go to the bathroom. Trust me, this is excessive, even for me :)

Around 8am I finally broke down and called my OB. I went in to the office when they opened and they hooked me up to the fetal monitor. I figured that I would just lay there for a half hour and they would tell me I was crazy and to go home. So, yeah, that didn't happen. As I was laying on the table, I had three contractions. in about 45 minutes.

The weird thing about it was that it was sort of fascinating to have this feeling of being squeezed like toothpaste and watching the numbers shoot up on the display. After the doctor came in and reassured me that my cervix was fine, they decided to do a fetal fibronectin and send me to Vassar anyway.

Ugh. I had sent H to work and my mom was actually calling the doctor's office wondering what had happened to me (I called her before I called the OB and she hadn't heard back from me in over 2 hours). Thankfully, she only works a few minutes away so she came to pick me up and drive me to the hospital. I continued to have irregular contractions in the car and even walking in to the ER. That was fun.

When I got in to the ER, I told them I was having contractions and I think due to my ginormous size (pictures to follow soon, I promise) they plopped me right into a wheelchair and brought me upstairs.

They monitored the babies' heart rates and my contractions for another few hours and then finally decided to give me a shot to stop the contractions. The babies' were great the whole time; good heart rates, good movement. They actually were kicking so much, they were moving the belts. The contractions actually weren't so bad, but I didn't want them to progress and wind up delivering 2 pound and a half babies.

After the shot, they checked the babies again and they were just as bouncy as before so they sent me home. I got home and poor H had finally made it home. It took him almost 4 hours to get from his office to the house.

We called him when they were discharging me and he was just on the road up to the hospital. We told him to go home. He was less than pleased. But mostly because it took him so long to get to me and he couldn't really get in touch with us to find out what was happening. Plus it probably didn't help that I lost my shit on the phone with him as I was walking back to the house to wait for my mom to take me to the hospital. So he had a pretty shitty day and didn't even get a wheelchair ride or a turkey sandwich.

I continued to have some mild blech feelings for the rest of the day, but by Thursday I was feeling much better. From what I can figure, the pressure I was feeling was probably due to the fact that both babies were smashed as far down into my hips as possible. All this room in the gigantor belly and they are wedging themselves into the tiniest space I have.

Last night I had an U/S appt and the babies looked good. Not that they were helpful to the tech. The were breech and transverse across each other and facing my back so it was difficult to get a good shot of either of their faces, but I saw little feet and a hand waving and wiggling little fingers. The right-side baby continued to moon the camera the entire time. The only shots I have of her involve her butt. She's also the one who likes to kick me in the ribs. what joy.

After the U/S, I saw one of the doctors. She told me I had done the right thing by calling when I did and that it's very likely to happen again. Double joy. My new instructions are to count up the contractions and if I get more than 6 in an hour, call in and they will most likely send me straight to the hospital.

So that's the drama. Now I am doing even less than before, if that's even possible. There's two days worth of dishes in the sink and I am not dealing with them. I did manage to take a shower and wash my hair, so that was a plus.

I just figured I'd update the troops in case anyone was wondering what happened to me :) But we are all OK now, so don't worry.

Aaaah Saturday

There's something about Saturday. Even when you aren't going to work everyday, you wake up and know it's different. Even Petey sleeps in. I got up this morning around 8:45 since the babies decided it was time for their morning calisthenics. I even managed to get the coffee out of the freezer and into the machine before Petey came strolling in and jumped in front of the coffee pot (Obviously, he must be fed before anything else happens in the kitchen. This is a major tenet of the Cat-Human Peace and Friendship Treaty. What did you think happened to the Ancient Egyptians?)

Now I am sitting in my living room with a cup of coffee in my very lovely Sedona Coffee Pot cup with the newspaper and 45,000,000 coupons that my mother brought me yesterday. It's like nirvana.

However, I'm not sure my neighbors appreciated gigantic pregnant girl in her pj's weeding her front garden bed with the newspaper in her hand. I have a feeling I looked like one of those funny garden decor items that consist only of a woman's giant ass. Oh, well, too bad. I have 3 tulips with buds in the front and an easter lilly poking up. Maybe by June it'll be warm enough for my flowers to come in.

happy weekend!

OFFER: one spider cat

oh, the Petey has been a very very bad boy today. Starting at 6:45 when H left, he hopped on my belly while I was laying in bed and began breathing in my face. i ignored him. so he jumped onto my dresser and started knocking things off of it. i ignored him. so he climbed on top of my jewelry box and bopped my rings around. i yelled at him and then attempted to go back to sleep. so he went into the bathroom, climbed into the bathtub and began yowling for the echo effect. I gave up and got up. I tried to eat breakfast, he tried to lick the cream cheese off my bagel. I put my dishes in the dishwasher, he climbed in the kitchen sink. I sat on the couch, he jumped on the kitchen island to harass the defenceless daffodil sitting there. I got up to yell at him, he jumped in my seat. I tried to read the paper, he sat on the paper. I turned on the TV, he jumped on top of the fish tank and attempted to open the lid. twice.

does anyone want a 14 month old 13 lb black and white male cat with no testicles and with a personality disorder?

on another note I had a lovely visit from f.fanny today. we had a very exciting outing of lunch and a grocery store run. We dished about all the gossip we've missed on each other's families and friends and then poor f.fanny made the mistake of picking up the "what to expect" book that lurks on my coffee table. She may never be the same. She kept turning pages and saying, "no! Do you have XYZ?!!" to which I would have to reply, "Yes, sometimes twice"

Of course, while she was here, Petey was a perfect gentleman.

Seriously, now he's back to taunting the fish and licking his own butt. also, there are cat hair rhinoceroses floating around my living room. I am assuming it's his winter coat coming off, but as he hates the kitty brush and will only run around the room, pausing periodically to bite it when it appears. I am helpless against the cat hair.

I promise there will be more belly photos soon. H must be around to take them and upload them and, well, he's working like, well, like I used to. He didn't leave until 7 tonight and likely won't be home much before 10. yick.